Happy 40th Birthday To Me!!!
For the last few weeks I’ve felt so emotional about turning 40, not because I’m concerned about getting old (believe me, the lines on my face and the grey in my hair remind me of that daily), but because I guess I just felt as though I haven’t done enough to be 40, that I didn’t fit the picture of how I imagined I would be when I was a proper grown up, twice over and then some.
I always imagined that by 40 I’d have my life together, I’d have at least mastered the most basic of tasks: how to boil an egg, switch a tyre, sew on a button, change a lightbulb. I imagined I’d be of an age where I’d be clued up on politics and global warming, that I’d be able to hold my own in a conversation about interest rates and the housing crisis, rather than sitting there hoping the topic might switch to last nights episode of TOWIE or Love Island.
I imagined I’d have mastered things like the art of public speaking, of folding shirts like they do in the department stores, of whipping up a souffle, the perfect roast potato, the ability to throw together a birthday cake at short notice. I imagined I’d have finally found a hair colour I loved, have weekly French manicures, waxes and brow tints; I imagined I’d spend my weekends sipping on a nice chianti whist watching a sub titled movie, switching my grotty fleece dressing gown for a stylish kimono.
I imagined I’d be wiser, more educated, more eloquent in the things I want to say. I imagined I’d be more stylish, more put together, more confident, more successful. I guess I just thought that I’d feel different, more grown up, and it turns out I don’t.
I’m still the same awkward kid who gets scared of the dark, who worries about anything and everything, gets irritable when I’m tired, or cold, or hungry. I’m still the same gangly teenager who talks way too much when I’m nervous, who laughs far too loudly at completely inappropriate situations, who still hasn’t learned to think before I speak. I’m still far too dramatic, sarcastic and stubborn, incredibly impatient and, let’s be honest here, more than a little bit whiny. And I still can’t make a decision to save my life!
But at the same time I know more about love and loss than I could ever put down on paper. I know how it feels to fall in love, and to fall out of love, to take a leap of faith and learn to trust again, to have hope again. I know how it feels to wake up every morning beside the one I love and know that, no matter what life throws at us, we’ll get through it as long as we’re together.
I know how it feels to live every single day without my child, how it feels to have my dreams shattered, my heart broken, my whole life turned upside down in an instant. I know how it feels to say goodbye, when I’d only ever imagined that sweet hello, how it physically hurts to live with so much regret, so much remorse, so much “what if”. I know how it feels to live my life for the two of us, for the seven of us, to learn how to put one foot in front of the other and move forward, taking Joseph with us, not leaving him behind.
I know that there is so much more to living than simply existing, that life is full of challenges and set backs and the most important thing is to just keep going, to keep on surviving. I know that I wasted far too much time longing for the past, or worrying about the future, that I forgot how to live in the present. I know that with a little self belief and a lot of determination, there is nothing in this world I can’t do, that I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for.
I know that life is far too short and figuring out what’s important is the real key to happiness. I know how lucky I am to have two wonderful, loving, and supportive parents who believe in me even on the days I don’t believe in myself. I know that good friends are worth their weight in gold, that true friends will be there for me, no matter how many months or years pass, that best friends will tell it like it is, even if it’s not what I want to hear.
I know that it’s okay to make mistakes but it’s equally important to learn from them, to apologise when I’m wrong, to forgive myself and others, to know that unkind words don’t always make for an unkind person. I know that you can never love someone completely if you can’t love yourself first and foremost, that we cannot go back and change the past but we can start today and change our future.
I know that it’s okay not to be okay, that I no longer have to hide my flaws or hide my feelings, that I can wear my battle scars with pride and still be just as worthy as those without. I know that my good qualities outweigh my bad, that I’m not perfect but I’m learning, that for the first time in my whole life I am more me than I have ever been.
And I know that of all the things I have achieved in my forty years, none of which I ever give myself enough credit for, becoming a Mummy to five beautiful children is more than I ever allowed myself to believe was possible, and I am grateful, every second of every day, that they are mine and I am theirs.
Life has not been easy, I know that too, but sitting here today at forty years old, I may not be the grown up I thought I’d be, but I’m everything I was supposed to be, and I am so looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for all of us.
Turning 40 is a big deal, in a great way! You have done a lot, and been through a lot! Celebrate the highs and remember the lows and just enjoy the day with your loved ones!
Happy 40th birthday! Being that age myself (full disclosure!) I feel that I’m loving my 40’s more than my 30’s. Let’s not discuss my 20’s, because those were GREAT!
Happy Birthday! Oh how I wish I was 40 again! I have a 7 year head start on you – life is still pretty good (though the knees are starting to ache!!)
A fabulous post with fabulous photos. Happy birthday!
Happy birthday lovely lady! I’m also turning 40 this year and feel the wisdom is brings with it is amazing. Here’s to making this decade our own x
Oh happy birtday sweetheart! 😀
Happy Birthday! I’d pay good money to see you whipping up a souffle right about now 😉
Happy Birthday!!
What a beautiful, gracious post. You’re doing great! Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! You have a beautiful family. Keep up the great work.
Happy birthday!! I love all these photos!! Cheers to more fabulous years ahead!
Happy Birthday! 40 is a wonderful age because of all the valuable lessons I’ve learnt along the way
Happy Birthday!! I turned 40 a little over a year ago. I wasn’t really excited for it…haha, but it has grown on me. I have an amazing career, a townhome, etc. Just need the wife and kids now! haha
Happy 40th! I turned 40 just over a year ago and feeling great for it. I still get asked for ID when buying wine, haha.
I love your honesty! At what age do you think we actually get it together? Lol
Happy Birthday, I turned 40 last year. It was funny as when my mum turned 40 I thought it was soooo old. Now I am here I don’t feel old at all. Heres to the best decade.
Aaaawwwww….it’s perfectly fine! Whatever you haven’t learned by now or done or achieved , there is still a new day….which is tomorrow. You still have a chance. I believe you.
Happy Birthday and welcome to the 40’s club……..I am half way through mine #eek
Happy 40th! Don’t be so hard on yourself you grew a beautiful family that’s a lot to be proud of!
Happy birthday Laura! I’ve just turned 40 too. What an exciting time in your lives 🙂 From where I’m standing, you seem to have your life together. You and your husband look so besotted with each other it’s really lovely to see. What if you can’t boil an egg or change a tyre? Someone else can do it for you, right?