For Lewis on your 18th Birthday..

Lewis,

Of all the birthdays I’ve sat here and cried over – your first birthday, hitting double figures, becoming a teen – this one has hit me harder than all of them put together, there’s no doubt about it. Eighteen, a grown up, an official confirmation that you are so far away from that beautiful little boy, our very first rainbow, who made me a Mummy all those years ago. And, as lucky as I feel to sit here and look back on all the years we have shared together, I can’t help but feel completely heartbroken that your childhood has passed us by so fast.

It’s crazy really because I look back now at the day you were born and your Dad and I were still so young, just five years older than you are today, still trying to find our way, setting up home, coppering together to make sure you had everything you ever wanted even if some days it never felt like enough. I often think that as you grew, so did we, going from two clueless kids to a responsible Mum and Dad, learning the importance of true love, of commitment, of putting someone else’s needs before your own and protecting them at all costs. I had such idyllic plans for your life Lew and I hope you know I fought so hard to make those dreams come true, I guess sometimes life has a plan of its own and it just so happened that this was the case for the two of us.

Your life hasn’t always been easy Lewis, and I hate that that’s the truth – losing the little brother you had so wanted, losing the family you so deserved, losing a piece of me as I struggled to stay afloat for all of those years – and yet somehow we made it through and that’s entirely down to just one reason. You. When you stood beside me at Joseph’s funeral and squeezed my hand as tightly as you could, when you silently soothed away my tears when your Dad left, when my heart and dreams were breaking, when I just didn’t have the strength to keep on fighting, you were right there giving me all the very best reasons to keep going. And together we did, just you and I, until eventually in time we became a three again, and a four, and a five, and a six. I’m the first to admit I made so many mistakes when it comes to you Lewis but the path we walked made us both the people we are today and for that reason, I don’t regret a single minute of it.

On your eighteenth birthday we don’t have the same glossy photos I share with your siblings, nor the extensive video footage from birth until present day. What I do have are just a handful of videos taken on pixelated mobile phones, grainy photographs taken on low quality digital cameras, and the rest are simply memories which have blurred through the passage of time. There are so many moments I remember, and so many more which I don’t, but the ones I do still remain as vivid as the day that you were born, with the cord twice around your neck, your skin completely grey, and without a doubt the most beautiful little baby I have ever seen in my entire life.

When I look back on your childhood I’ll remember the day you gave us your first laugh, completely out of nowhere, whilst me and your Auntie Jennie were dancing around the living room at your Nanna and Grandads to “Don’t stop me now!”, I’ll remember your first steps at just nine months old, how your hair refused to grow leaving you bald at eighteen months old and how, when I look back on photos, you were literally a clone of Karl Pilkington.

I’ll remember your infatuation with Bradley Bear, fuelled by our many holidays to Haven, your obsession with the Red Power Ranger and how it was the best day of your entire life when you got the Megazord for your birthday. I’ll remember how you spent hours drawing pictures of footballers and designing new kits and the time you wrote to Alex Ferguson to suggest a new team kit for Manchester United and how he wrote back to you and said he’d bear it in mind.

I’ll remember how excited you were for “Baby Joses” to arrive and how you would sit in the double buggy in preparation, you in one side and your teddy in the other. How long after he had gone you claimed to see him in our home, telling us he visited you at night (alongside the witch!) and how you’d proudly tell others you had a little brother who lives in the sky in just the same way that Eva, Megan and Harry do these days. I’ll remember how on the rare occasion when you looked sad it literally broke my heart in two, it still does. 

I’ll remember how much you loved the most random of pop stars – Matt Cardle, Leona Lewis, James Arthur, and how I got us tickets to watch James Arthur in concert at Blackpool Winter Gardens and we ended up sat behind a woman with the worlds largest head. I’ll remember your greatest love of all – Michael Jackson – and the countless occassions I’d have to walk with you round Tesco dressed head to toe in a full Thriller costume or rocking a single diamante glove.

I’ll remember our first solo holiday to the farm and how we fed the pony Kit Kat Chunkys and were convinced we had killed him when he disappeared to the stable the next day. I’ll remember how we would have water fights in the shower at bath time and snuggle up to watch a film at night, how you were the best company I could ever have asked for and together was our favourite place to be. I’ll remember how you could never fall asleep without touching my ear.

I’ll remember how much you loved to play Scalectrix with Grandad, how he taught you the most inappropriate of songs and how one time you sang “Who ate all the pies” to a rather rotund gentleman at the car garage and how your Grandad howled with laughter when I told him. I’ll remember how you had the cheekiest of smiles, how your eyes would light up with mischief, and how even when I really wanted to be angry at you, you would have me laughing with just one silly face or song.

I’ll remember how much you loved to eat sausage and mash, Yorkshire puddings and chicken nuggets, and how if there was a hot chocolate fudge cake on the menu you’d always find the room to cram it in. I’ll remember our weekend at WWE Smackdown and how, as we queued for the arena, you excitedly told the man in the queue behind us “Wrestling is my life!” and everyone had laughed much to your confusion.

I’ll remember the first time you met Gaz and how you had peeked from round the doorway clutching your WWE wrestling figures before showing him some of your best moves and how, when we’d asked if you’d allow him to come and live with us, you’d replied, “Only if he brings his X-box”. I’ll remember the day I told you I was pregnant with a little sister and you asked if we could find someone who was having a boy and ask if they wanted to swap, and how when we said that wasn’t possible you said fine but let’s name her Jennifer Lopez.

I’ll remember the day you became a big brother for the second time, to a baby you could finally hold in your arms, and how you’d rushed into that hospital room with the biggest grin on your face and it was hands down the happiest moment of my entire life. I’ll remember telling you I was pregnant with Megan, and again with Harry, and how every time I’d ask to have a word with you you’d roll your eyes and say, “Oh god, are you pregnant again??”.

I’ll remember how you stole the show on our wedding day, how handsome you’d looked in your matching suit stood next to Gaz, and how when I walked down the aisle you had looked at me with such love and absolute conviction that finally, everything was going to be okay.

I’ll remember how much you loved Coronation Street and Hollyoaks and how you’d watch them the minute you got home from school on the planner and talk about them as though they were your real life friends and family. I’ll remember that time we were talking about how one day you’d be all grown up and have a girlfriend and you’d told me, “I’ll know how to kiss them too because I’ve seen them do it on Hollyoaks!”.

I’ll remember the day we did Go Ape for the first time together, how I forgot to attach myself to the safety harness, and the look of horror on your face as you screamed “Muuuum! You’re not clipped on!”. I’ll remember the nights you’d come in from wherever you’d been and sit with me to watch SAS, or some reality TV show I’d got you hooked on, and how I lived for those moments amongst your busy social life.

I’ll remember the times of frustration when I’d say right that’s it, I’m telling your Dad and you’d say “But Mum, I thought you were my best friend?” and you knew in an instant you’d win me round. I’ll remember how excited the children were when you’d come home from school each day, or from your Dads house each week, and how I’d find you cuddled up on the couch together, Harry nestled into your shoulder, and all those years of heartache would melt away.

I’ll remember the Sunday mornings you’d come into the kitchen, rough as toast, looking for some kind of hangover cure, and how you’d tell me about your night with such ease, the good the bad and the ugly, leaving me laughing until my sides hurt and cringing in equal measures. I’ll remember how you’d place your hand on my shoulder and say “Thanks Laura love” when I handed you a bacon butty, your face cracking into a smile like a mirror image of my own, and how those moments felt so precious in an otherwise whirlwind of daily life.

I’ll remember the feeling of pride when you got your GCSE results, when you passed your driving test this year, when you worked really hard in college and started your apprenticeship as an electrician. I’ll remember that buzz of excitement you had on the first day you got stuck into work, coming home covered in dust, an array of random wires in your pockets, a whole host of stories to share and disasters for us to laugh over. I’ll remember that lump in my throat as I watched you jump out of a plane for your very first sky dive and how I knew it was just the start of a lifetime of adventures for you, and endless worry for me!

I’ll remember the holidays, the Christmas days, the ordinary days; the days I’d look at you and wonder how I ever got so lucky to have a son as special as you are. Don’t get me wrong Lew, you infuriate me with your inability to make your bed or open your curtains, with your stubbornness, your laid back attitude, and your ability to wind me up with the flick of a switch, but when you hug me that little bit tighter at bed time, ring me ten pints in to tell me you love me, or text me when I’m away to say hi, to say I miss you, I feel so incredibly lucky to have the bond that we do. And I guess that’s the crux of it Lew because although there are so many people who are lucky enough to have a son, very few have the relationship that we do.

Perhaps your life may not have panned out the way we had planned 18 years ago on this day but how lucky you are that it led you right here. Four loving parents, six brothers and sisters, a whole host of family and friends, and a life so abundantly full of love and happiness. Even in my wildest dreams, there is nothing more I could ever have wanted for you than this.

Happy 18th Birthday Lewis, we love you all the stars in the sky.

Mum

xxxxxx