For Lewis on your 16th Birthday -

Lewis,

Every single year I sit here on your birthday asking myself how we have ended up here again so soon, wondering where the weeks and months have gone since the last time I sat here, in compete and utter disbelief that my baby boy, the one who made me a Mummy, has grown so fast. I’m not sure that will ever change, be that today, in ten years time, or when you stand in front of me as old as I am today. I will always, always see you as that beautiful little boy who stole my heart.

And yet the truth is, at sixteen, you’re not so little any more at all, not even close. Taller than me, without a single trace of those chubby cheeks or that wonky smile, you have grown so much this year, despite my desperate hopes for time to slow down just a little.

It turns out that fifteen has been a big year for you Lew, far bigger than any of us could ever have imagined it to be, and you have learned so many important life lessons in such a small space of time. You’ve learned the importance of knuckling down and working hard to achieve your goals, the importance of good friendships and making bonds to last a lifetime, how things can happen in life, completely out of your control, which may leave you feeling disappointed and a little bit lost, but it’s how you deal with them that really matters.

You’ve learned to be more resilient, more determined, more focused on what’s really important and, mostly, to embrace every single moment in life because you just never know how much you’ll miss something until it’s over.

And me? You’ve taught me so many important lessons this year Lewis, learning to choose my battles more wisely when it comes to moaning about your bed being unmade or your curtains being closed, to put my faith in you as much as is possible but to still bear in mind what I was getting up to at the same age, to always make sure you know I’m here for you even on the days you don’t want to talk.

I’ve learned to try and be less weird when you’re talking on your headset, to avoid stepping on your wires at all costs, that having your Mum sing in the car, or indeed at any time, is super annoying when you’re a teenager, as is humming, tapping and dancing like a maniac around the kitchen.

I’ve learned that teenage boys eat a hell of a lot of food, and being hangry is the root of all evil, that there are days when you’re just not feeling it and giving you some space is never a bad thing. I’ve learned that when you hover around the living room trying to make idle conversation it means you usually want something, be that permission to go to a party, a lift to a party, or money to take to a party. I’ve also learned whatever happens at these parties stays at parties, and quizzing you about it will always, always result in silence.

And lately I’ve learned that when you take away the pressure of school, the distraction of friends, and the lure of parties, you are still happy to spend time with your family at home. And, honestly, despite everything going on outside of these four walls, the last month has been utterly blissful having you here each day. I’ve felt as though we’ve had you back to ourselves for the first time in years, just enjoying time together as a family of six without having to share you with your Dad or with school, with football or mountains of homework.

And I have cherished every single second of these bonus days just chatting, kicking a football around in the garden with the kids, helping me cook, watching tv or talking about our plans for when all of this is over.

Because I’m not stupid Lew, I know that when lock down ends you will rush back out to your friends, and to your Dads. and we’ll go back to snatched conversations over dinner and text messages in the week. I know that when all of this is over I’ll have to let you go off to college, the start of a new era, and swallow every bit of sadness that you have your own life to live that perhaps doesn’t involve us quite as often as we’d like.

And so I’m hoping that all of the wonderful moments we have shared together this year will soften the blow in the months ahead, that remembering all of the fun we had, and the memories we made, will see me through when I long for these days and our time together. From sailing on a gondola in Venice to surfing in Newquay, eating crepes in France to watching the sunset in Guernsey, Rip Riding in Wales to zip lining down canyons, basking in the sunshine in Cyrpus to jetting off to New York, it’s fair to say you’ve had an incredible year.

And although I have loved each of our travels, New York will always remain a real highlight. Not only because it was a dream come true for both of us, but because sharing it with you made it even more special. I will never forget the look on your face as we watched the basket ball in Brooklyn, or sang New York, New York together on The Ride. I’ll never forget your gasp of amazement as we stepped out of the lift at the top of the Empire States building, saw the Statue of Liberty for the very first time or walked the length of Brooklyn Bridge.

I’ll never forget the sight of you clapping along as we watched a musical on the West End, or the wisdom in your eyes at Ground Zero. I’ll never forget how we zoomed around our bikes in Central Park, nor your evil cackle as you and Gaz sped up and left me behind at every hill, how you didn’t care when I linked my arm through yours or asked to pose for another photo together.

And I’ll never forget how I spent the whole five days just pinching myself that, despite all the mistakes I’ve made in life, and all the times I’ve beat myself up for doing this whole parenting thing wrong, I finally got to make your dream come true just like you did for me, sixteen years ago.

We are so lucky to have you Lew, all six of your siblings, all four of your parents, and it has been an absolute pleasure to watch you grow. You are kind, funny, clever, handsome, and the best big brother this lot could ever have hoped for. I am so excited to see what the coming year has in store for you and whether I am by your side or watching from the sidelines, just know I’ll be championing you on, wishing you nothing but the best, and pinching myself, for the fifty billionth time, that you are all mine.