For Lewis on your very last day of school

Lewis,

From the very second I dropped you off for your first day of primary school, eleven long years ago, I have thought about this day. I will never forget that gut wrenching feeling of letting go of your hand and watching you walk through the classroom door knowing that one day you would walk out of there for the very last time. Over the years I have thought about this moment more than you could possibly know – when you moved up into juniors, when you left primary school altogether, when the weeks and months seemed to whizz by in a blur through years eight, nine, ten. And it’s funny because as much as I thought about it often, imagining the day you would leave school after all of these years, I never for one moment thought it would be like this.

I always imagined your last day of school would be a result of weeks of excitement, of meetings and assemblies, of sitting proudly through your leavers assembly, clapping until my hands hurt on awards night, shopping for your prom suit, and supervising reluctant revision. I imagined how I’d get up early that morning, making you a bacon butty as a special treat, blinking back my tears as I straightened your tie for the very last time and told you how very proud I am of you.

I imagined you standing at the front of the house that morning, smiling somewhat begrudgingly as I took a photograph to mark this milestone, filled with emotion as I remembered how little time had passed since you stood in the exact same spot for the first. I imagined I would watch you walk away, your blazer now two sizes too small, and feel a sense of loss for your school days; how I would wait until you turned the corner before finally allowing my tears to fall, knowing that we had closed the door on another chapter.

I imagined in the coming weeks I would stand at that door on countless occasions, waving you off for your GCSE’s, telling you “Just do your best” and pacing the floors until you returned home to tell me how it went. I imagined the day of your prom, how handsome you would look in your suit that had crippled my bank balance to buy, and how I would burst with pride seeing you drive off in a limo with your friends as you flashed a cheeky grin from the window. I imagined GCSE results day and how I’d sit staring at my phone just waiting for it to ring, shrieking with delight when you told me your results, knowing that all of your hard work had paid off to secure your place in college.

I imagined so much for you Lewis, and I know you did too. 

At no point did I imagine that on a Thursday morning in March, nine weeks before the end of term, we would receive a text from your Headteacher to say school will be closing at twelve noon, that you would be asked to empty your lockers, collect your belongings, and leave, forever. At no point did I imagine that all of the plans you had in store would be changed, all of the things you were so looking forward to would be cancelled and, despite five years preparing for them, you would no longer be able to sit your GCSE’s.

I won’t lie, as I sit here now, tears streaming down my face, my heart breaks for all of you and the unfairness of this situation. Whilst I know that health is paramount, and the situation is completely out of our hands, I can’t help but feel heartbroken for all of those moments you have been cheated of, all of those milestones you’ll never meet, all of those occasions you had been looking forward to every bit as much as I had. And it feels desperately unfair right now, I know.

And so I guess what I want you to know is that however sad you feel, and however disappointed you are, that’s okay. It’s okay to feel a little shell shocked, to feel cheated, to feel angry. It’s okay to feel nervous about what this means for your college placement, to feel worried about the severity of the current situation. It’s okay to feel emotions you can’t quite put into words, to wish with all your heart that you could just go back in time and do it all over again, to drink in every single moment before it was cut short so abruptly.

I can still remember my last day of high school like it was just yesterday, sitting in the same hall as you did today beside my very best friends, breaking our hearts that as of that moment, everything had changed. And yet the truth is, although things inevitably did change, the things that really mattered to me didn’t.

The friends you have made along the years will be your friends forever, regardless of whether you see them every day or once a year. You’ll still hang out together, laugh together, kick the football around the park together, reminisce about that one time in Science when you couldn’t stop laughing, share memories of the Ski trip, of your favourite teachers. You’ll still look back on the last five years and realise just how much you learned in class, not just academically but about yourself and life in general; you’ll still realise that every single one of those experiences, whether good or bad, shaped you to become the person you are right now at fifteen. You’ll still be the exact same person you were this morning tomorrow, just a little wiser, a little tougher, a little more understanding that sometimes life doesn’t work out quite how you planned but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

The truth is, despite what you may have been led to believe, GCSE’s are not a definitive measure of who you are as a person, it’s not all about proving yourself on paper, or showcasing all that you know. Regardless of whether you sit those GCSE’s or not, of whether you get top marks or barely scrape through, you will always be my proudest achievement in life for so many more reasons than numbers on a page.

So although things are strange right now, and although this wasn’t how it was supposed to end, it doesn’t have to take away from your new beginning. Because in the coming weeks, or months, whenever that may be, when I stand at that door and wave you off for your first day of college, blinking back tears and bursting with pride, I know you will still achieve anything you want to in life, be anything you want to be, and go wherever your heart takes you.

I was so proud of you today Lewis. Always have been, always will.

Love you, Mum xxxx