Life after Loss: a grateful heart

ByLaura Dove

The last couple of weeks have been tough, I’ve been feeling all kinds of emotions, none of which I can find the words to explain exactly how so. I think if I was asked for one word to sum up how I have been feeling, I would simply say, sad. 

I’m sad that for the last few weeks I have scrolled through social media, or looked out of my window, and seen all of the children heading off to high school on their very first day, knowing that my son is not.

It’s hard for me to imagine that tiny little baby who I held in my arms all dressed up in a shirt and tie, his blazer sleeves trailing by his finger tips, a rucksack almost as big as he.

It’s hard to imagine how I would have straightened his collar, kissed his cheek, told him to have a wonderful day and watched him walk away with his big brother, another milestone passed.

It’s impossible to imagine a moment such as that without feeling a familiar lump in my throat, the dull ache in my belly, the longing to know, even for just one moment, what he would have been like.

And whilst I have gone about my days as normal, a smile on my face, laughing and joking with the children, I have struggled with that sadness, battling between the feeling of wanting to wallow in it for a moment longer and searching for a point where it doesn’t hurt quite so much.

For a long time I saw our loss as something that was just devastating and tragic, something that had destroyed our lives in a number of ways. When we lost Joseph there was such an out pouring of grief that any joy at meeting him, any pride at how utterly perfect he was; that this beautiful little boy was finally here in our arms, was completely over shadowed by the sadness that he wasn’t ours to keep.

Back then, if you had asked me to describe how I felt about Joseph I would have told you, without a moments hesitation, that I felt cheated. I would have told you just how much I missed him, how my heart ached with the weight of our loss, how every second of every day pained me to accept that he was not here.

I would have told you that I felt sorry that I couldn’t save him, that we didn’t get to take him home, to watch him grow, that in losing him we lost the future we had planned and the life we had known.

And it is only over recent weeks I have realised that rather than feeling sorry, it is far easier, and far healthier, to feel grateful.

And I am grateful; for that indescribable feeling of joy when we saw those two lines on a test, for the first time we saw him on a scan, for the first time I felt those gentle kicks. I’m grateful for the happiness we felt at learning we would have another son, how adorable it had been for Lewis to kiss my belly and exclaim, “Joses!”.

I’m grateful for the days we decorated the nursery, for our excitement at picking out all of those outfits we had hoped he would wear, the months we spent agonising over his name, lying awake night after night imagining all that he would be.

I’m grateful for the moment he came silently into the world, for the precious hours we spent together, for every single second of holding him in my arms, drinking him all in, making memories to last a lifetime. I’m grateful that we were blessed with a baby so beautiful, so perfect and so utterly precious as he.

So whilst I’m sorry that we had to say goodbye, that hearts were broken and dreams destroyed, I will always be grateful that he was mine, that moments were shared and memories made. I am grateful that right now, eleven years down the line, I am everything I am supposed to be and exactly where I am meant to be.

There’s a beautiful quote I read this week which resonated so loudly with me,

“Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.”

~Mandy Hale

And with four beautiful babies in my arms, I’m ready to move forward with a grateful heart, finally letting go of some of that sadness, learning to accept that, although life has undoubtedly been tough and there will still be days when our loss is all consuming, it is possible to be happy, to enjoy every moment, and to find peace in a life after loss.

Trying to keep a grateful heart | Gratitude is not usually the first thing you think of when you consider the death of a baby, but this mum is striving to apply positive thinking to her life as she struggles through life after her son was still born 11 years ago. Third trimester baby loss hit the family hard, but this is hope she is taking the time to feel grateful for the things she now has www.fivelittledoves.com

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161 Comments

    1. Thank you Heather. It’s been a long time coming, I think I’ll always have days when life is hard, but finding gratitude is a starting point. xx

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  4. This made me cry! Im so sorry for your loss but equally amazed at how strong you are! You are right to find joy in the things you have. It sounds like your baby Joseph was perfect and lovely and you are very blessed to have carried him and held him in your arms. Big hugs to a brilliant mum xx

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    1. Thank you so much. I’m determined that our loss won’t take away any more from our family. It’s okay to move forward and be happy, I think sometimes it just feels very hard to do. xxx

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  6. I can relate to alot of what you are saying , especially the qoute.
    I lost a baby ( one of a twin) 12 years ago. My eldest son has a life limiting condition and I can tell you that quote helps me too.
    There is no greater loss for us parents than that of a child ,oh but even if it were only for a moment ,our child was here. Our child will always be. This touched me so much. Sending you love . Xxx

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    1. I am so sorry to hear that, how devastating that must have been, and how hard it must be for you and your son now too. The quote really did change the way that I thought about Joseph, I have been so incredibly lucky to have these four beautiful children in my arms. Much love to you. xxx

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  7. Oh darling as always these posts of yours bring tears to my eyes and a knot in my stomach I can imagine how difficult the start of school must be for you, but what a lovely positive spin for all the things you are grateful for too. Sending lots of love your way xoxo

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    1. Thank you Talya. I think I’ve finally reached a point where I don’t want to feel sad anymore, I don’t think he would have wanted me to either? There is always something to be grateful for. xxx

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  9. You’re so strong Laura. Joseph lives in your heart, and in the heart of SO many people. So many people. Thanks to you. You’re a beautiful soul, and it’s ok to be sad. And then be grateful. And maybe one day, just be sad again. Hugs. #KCACOLS

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  10. I can’t even begin to imagine how it must have been for you and your family to lose a child. It must be devastating. I’m glad you have managed to look forward, and find happiness after all that you went through! Continue focusing on the good! God Bless!

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  11. I never thought about gratitude this way. I can only begin to imagine how immense your loss has been, but I wish you all the best and may you find comfort and release in being thankful.

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  12. Your words are so beautiful. I’m so very sorry for your loss but you’re a strong person, that’s evident from writing this post. It’s inspiring that you’re still able to focus on positives and be grateful

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  13. Such beautiful words. I am so sorry for your loss and I cannot even begin to imagine the heartache u must be feeling. I appreciate you sharing this post with us and I’m sure this will help others who have experienced this pain a little bit of closure. Xx

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  17. I an so sorry for your loss. This post is so beautifully written, I hope it inspires readers who need help getting through their grief and find what they can be grateful for.

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  18. What a heartfelt and beautiful post you have written to all of your children. I can’t imagine what it is like to lose a baby at such a stage, the heart ache and sorrow it much bring 🙁

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  19. This is absolutely beautiful, and the fact you had the courage to write something that can’t have been easy for you makes it even more so. Wishing you all the luck in the world on your journey. <3

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  20. Oh Laura, I don’t even know what to say. You write so beautifully and so full of emotion. I can’t bare to think about what you’re going through. Sending lots of love your way. Thanks for joining in with #ThatFridayLinky

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  21. Laura I literally have no words for how beautiful this is. I love that there is so much happiness in this post about something that is so sad. You are an inspiration and the strength you have is amazing. You are a brilliant mum and your 5 babies are lucky to have you xx

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  22. I have no words. This is such a beautifully written post. You’re such an inspiration that you can see positive in times when the sadness becomes so consuming. #ThatFridayLinky

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  25. Ah hun, i can not even begin to imagine how you feel but the way you have written about the loss of your son is so moving.

    The quote you have within this post is pretty amazing, i think if a lot of people did this, life would be so different.

    You are a very strong lady and a great mummy x

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  26. No one can possibly know what it has been like to walk in your shoes since that tragedy. The sadness of this aside, this post was so great to read – just to see and appreciate how you are evolving, as time progresses, to your family’s and your benefit and to know that there is still so much to be grateful for.

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  28. What a lovely quote – I can’t imagine how hard it must have been / be for you, I’m glad you have found some peace x

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  29. I am sorry for your loss. And I am glad you found a way to show gratitude in hard times too. That’s really inspiring. Sending all the love to you❤️

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  30. Such a powerful post Laura, I hope it was cathartic to write because sometimes just writing down what we are feeling can be just as healing. Lots of love to you and hoping that you’re able to start looking towards a happy future while always keeping Joseph close to your heart x

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  31. Oh Laura, that was beautiful. I love that quote, too and if you can it is a wonderful one to live by. Sending much love your way as always. xxxx

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  36. This is a very beautiful piece of writing. It’s so valuable to share the fact that you will always grieve for the life that your son couldn’t lead, I think a lot of people don’t understand that. The quote about happiness is very striking and true. Thank you for sharing this. #Stayclassymama

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  41. I can’t even imagine how you managed to compose yourself and focus on a grateful heart than the sorrow that you must have and maybe still feel. I too would have felt cheated

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  42. I admire so much about this post but most of all I admire your bravery. To go through what you have been through and come out the other side with positivity is so brave. When you want to feel sad and angry you have chosen to change your emotions around to be grateful. Time is a great healer and your baby will always be there in your heart and thoughts. Take care and love to you and your family x x

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  43. As always, such beautiful and heartfelt words. I’m so sorry for everything you have been through but I so admire the strength and grace with which you write about it. Those milestones must be so difficult.
    Gratitude is something that I try to focus on in my darkest moments too. I had a miscarriage with my very first pregnancy and it completely devastated me. I’m still very much affected by it. I have always written about our experience and spoken publicly about it and I like to think that even though he or she is not in my arms, that little baby has made a difference in the world by helping raise awareness and supporting others. I so admire you for having the courage to write about your feelings and I know they will be providing support for others who have been through similar. Much love x

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    1. I’m sorry about your miscarriage but I totally relate to that, these babies have made a huge difference in our lives and that is to be celebrated. Gratitude is so hard to achieve at times, especially when tragedy strikes, but when you do find it, it is the best coping mechanism I have come across. xxx

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  44. You have wrote so beautifully about your son and you left me with tears in my eyes. I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through and I know how hard it is to move on when a part of you is not there anymore. I think that seeing your loss as gratefulness for having him in your life makes you such a strong person!

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    1. Thank you so much Joanna. I never feel very strong but then I see how far I have come and realise I must be. xx

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  45. beautifully written! I’m glad you have taken that amazing quote to heart and that you will embrace life for all it is. Losing anyone is hard, but even more a child!
    The best gift in the world is the time you have with others no matter how long or how short, but to remember the good and loving times you’ve had with each and every person you’ve come across. I’m glad that you found beauty in sadness!
    Keep loving those around you and soaking in the time you have together! …And for the ones we’ve loved and lost, know that they are our angels and that they want us to live on in happiness until we meet with them again.

    thank you for sharing your story!

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    1. Thank you so much Eloise, you’re so right. Joseph would have wanted us to go on and have a wonderful life, I think its’ important to remember that. xxx

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  46. This post is so beautifully written, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It must be so hard not having your child go through all of those milestones with.

    It is so important to talk about loss and you’ve written a beautiful post which I am sure others will be able to relate to.

    Keep being strong! xx

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    1. Thank you so much Olivia, I think writing about it is hugely therapeutic for me and I do hope it can help others. xx

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  48. This is so beautifully written Laura and I love the quote, it is so fitting. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to go through but can imagine how each missed milestone must always bring such sadness. It’s brilliant that you are choosing to be grateful and think of the good things.

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  49. That’s so hard. I cannot even imagine how difficult it must to have been to go through that. I am happy for you that you have been able to keep going. And you do have a beautiful life worth living.

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    1. Thank you David. I am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful life with four amazing children, being grateful is an amazing survival mechanism. xx

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  50. Oh my gosh I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I love that you are keeping on going for the life you have. This brought tears to my eyes to read. X

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  52. What a beautifully written post, we can’t even begin to imagine what its like. However it sounds like you have found peace and its great that you can look back with fond memories now xx

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  53. What a beautiful and personal post. It must be incredibly hard to lose and forever think about how things could’ve been. You’re very strong to think about the positives and being grateful now to try to move forward x x

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  54. I can’t begin to imagine what you have been through and I’m not quite sure I have the correct words for it! I am so so sorry for your loss, you have written such a beautiful piece that I’m feeling very emotional!! The quote you shared that resonates with you is also a big eye opener and something I think we would all benefit in remembering!

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  56. Such a heartfelt post. It is tough to come to terms with any loss but that of a child is the hardest, even though they would want to carry on and be happy

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  57. Thank you so much for linking this up at #SharingtheBlogLove Laura. I think I commented earlier without seeing you’d linked up. It’s a truly beautiful post, I love that quote, and I’m in awe of how you’ve taken it to heart and lived it.

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  60. This is such a beautiful post – your strength and love shines through. Although I am sure it felt overwhelmingly hard at times. Thanks so much for sharing your story – I feel privileged to have read just a tiny bit of it #twinklytuesday

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  61. What a beautiful post Laura. I can only imagine the pain you must feel when your beautiful boy would have been hitting milestones. But you write so tangibly about the gratitude you have, to have had your perfect boy in your arms for that short time. Thank you for sharing this. It was a privilege to read. #FabFridayPost

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  62. What a beautiful and inspirational way to look at it Laura. I can’t imagine what you go through on a daily basis but I’m glad you are surrounded by happy children and supportive family. Thanks for linking up to #StayClassyMama

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  64. Such a wonderful article! I cannot imagine what you are going through but it is very brave to share this and I am sure it will help others who are going through similar tragedies.

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  65. Firstly, a big hug Laura. I’ve been following your blog since over a year now and I think you are one of the bravest women I know… I have lost a fiance three months before my wedding and it took me years to come out of the grief. So I can’t even begin to imagine the loss of losing a child. But as the quote you mentioned says, happiness is about what you make of life. And I think you’ve dealt with the grief beautifully, and are celebrating life again with your four beautiful children. Joseph was so lucky to have a mother like you, and I’m sure he’s so so proud of you! Keep the faith.

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    2. Ahh Nicole your lovely comment brought tears to my eyes, thank you so much for saying such lovely things. I am so sorry to hear about your fiancé, that must have been absolutely devastating and I can’t even imagine how you found a way forward. I think we are all so much stronger than we think. I have gone on to be incredibly lucky and I wouldn’t change it for the world, Joseph was the most special little boy and it’s an honour to share him with you. xxx

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  66. So beautifully written. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I’ve only had very early miscarriages. It took me some time to get over each, but I was grieving for babies I never felt kicking inside me, babies I never got to meet or to hold. I can’t begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you. Thank you for finding the strength to share. #TwinklyTuesday

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    1. Thank you Patricia. I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriages, I felt the same about my miscarriages too, having very few memories was very hard. Love to you. xx

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  67. My heart breaks for you, I’m glad you have fond memories to hold on to.
    Thanks so much for linking up to #kcacols, we hope you can join us again

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  69. Such a heartwarming post, so beautifully written. You have a grateful heart and such beautiful memories. What a mindset shift. I so wish that for you! xoxo #ThatFridayLinky xoxo

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  70. Such a beautiful post Laura. You’re one special lady. To be so strong and gracious when something like that could really make you sort of bitter (in a sad way not a mean way) – you’re one brace lady x #SharingtheBlogLove

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    1. Thank you so much Susie. I think I was very bitter for a long time but I finally realised that being grateful is far healthier. Thank you for reading. xxx

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  71. Beautiful post Laura that has completely got me (and it’s not even 9am), thanks for being so brave for sharing this with us and continuing to be super strong everyday. Claire x #BloggerClubUK

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  73. Such beautiful words Laura, you always manage to bring a tear to my eye. I’m sure he’s looking down on you, proud of how you have dealt with the loss and that you have the strength to share your story. And glad that you managed to bring three more beautiful siblings for him to enjoy watching over! #sharingthebloglove

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  74. Aww… Laura, beautiful written. I am so glad you are feeling much happier where you are now. Letting go is the hardest thing. Well done to you my friend. Big hugs!

    Thank you so much for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost

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    1. Thank you Su, I’m also so sorry I didn’t get the chance to speak to you last night! I spotted you across the room and when I next looked you were gone! xx

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  75. I think this is a lesson that can only be learnt with time. I am sure that Joseph loved his time with you too, and it’s lovely to hear the happy, precious moments you recall #triumphanttales

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  77. This is just a beautiful post. I can’t even imagine the sadness that you have gone through but I am so glad that you can see the light. Joseph is and always will be a huge part of your life. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

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  78. Thank you so much for opening up about your loss. I can not even begin to imagine what something like that feels like. Reading your blog has really touched me. You are incredibly strong, and honest. It takes a lot of bravery to be so open about this. <3

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