Why I’m jealous of your loss….

Of all the feelings and emotions I associated with baby loss, jealousy was never one of them. Of course I imagined sadness and anger, an overwhelming sense of loss, of disbelief that our world as we knew it had cruelly been turned upside down. But jealousy? I just never thought that I would associate such an emotion with the baby we kissed goodbye all those years ago.

I’ve shared my feelings on jealousy many times over the years, writing how I struggle to see others enjoy a carefree pregnancy, to hold baby showers and pick out babygros, to have spontaneous births, hear the sound of their babies cries, and take them home to watch them grow. I’ve spoken of my jealousy at those who live their whole lives never experiencing such loss, never knowing such grief, living each and every day with all of their children safe in their arms.

And that’s normal isn’t it, to feel that sense of jealousy, it’s only natural given what we went through, and what we still go through? I have been nothing but supported by those who tell me that they too share those feelings, comforted to know I am not alone in feeling that way. But what I haven’t shared, and what I’m very afraid to say out loud, is that not only am I jealous of those who got to keep their babies, but I’m jealous of those who lost them too.

I’m well aware of how completely abhorrent that sounds, given that we lost Joseph, and fifteen much wanted babies to miscarriage. I can imagine how such an emotion is unthinkable for many of you and, believe me, I loathe myself at times for it, but hear me out…

Last week I saw a comment from a fellow mama whose beautiful daughter was born sleeping, and she shared how sad she was that she has just one hundred and fifty photos of her daughter to treasure.

And I actually felt sick with jealousy.

Because I have eight photos of Joseph. Just eight, all blurred, all grainy, all taken on an ailing camera with the battery light flashing red. I can still remember that moment of panic as the screen went blank, the sense of despair that nobody brought us a camera or lent us a charger, that nobody told us how in years to come the lack of photos would simply add to our disbelief that Joseph was ever really here at all.

So when I read about those who had professional photographers come to the hospital to capture their babies firsts, and lasts, who freeze framed the moments that can never be recreated, provided them with an album which, undoubtedly hard to look at, would be a huge comfort in years to come, it absolutely kills me that we don’t have that too.

When I look back at our photos, the blurred images of me holding my son, they simply remind me of how my ex husbands hands had shaken with every sob, how the tears had poured down his cheeks, how those moments were filled with nothing but grief and sorrow as we felt our hearts breaking. And in that way, I’m jealous, completely and utterly, insanely, jealous, that we didn’t have an outsider with a sturdy hand to expertly capture the moments we were lost in our grief, an image of the three of us, of the four of us, of his little hands in ours, of the precious moments that have blurred with age.

Its funny because when we lost Joseph I thought that we were lucky. Not lucky to lose him, but to spend twenty four long hours with him, to bathe him and dress him and sleep beside him for the first time, and the last. And yet over time, reading more about other other parents experiences of baby loss, it doesn’t feel that we were very lucky at all. On the hottest day of the year, at 28 degrees in mid July, without a cuddle cot to preserve our sons body, our time together was limited. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye and yet I wasn’t ready to see my babies body start to decompose, and that’s the brutal truth of it I guess.

And so hearing about those who kept their babies in a cuddle cot for days, even a week long, who created as many memories as they could, held them without fear, kissed them over and over, and had the time to begin to process the enormity of what had just happened, I’m incredibly jealous of that.

I see photos of siblings and Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, breaking their hearts as they hold the baby they had hoped to see grow over the years, and, although I am thankful that they have those precious moments with their loved ones, I’m jealous that we did not. We had no family, no friends, not one person who came to meet Joseph after his birth. It was just the two of us and, when our marriage ended just two years later, I had nobody else to speak to about my memories of those twenty four hours with our son. I’m still so very jealous of those who do.

I’m jealous that when I look at photos of other babies born sleeping, when their parents share them with such love and pride, that they look utterly perfect, their little faces untouched, their tiny features perfectly proportioned. Because, whilst should you ask me about Joseph I will tell you that he was completely perfect, the truth is, he was not. I won’t go into the details, it’s horrific to remember, and even harder to share, but due to hydrocephalus and prolonged infection, his body showed physical signs of distress which makes his photos hard enough for even us to look at, let alone to share with the world.

And I’m jealous that whilst most parents were tucked away on a bereavement suite with their babies, cocooned in gentle silence and treated with such love and care, I was in a room with paper thin walls, on the maternity ward, lying awake listening to babies cry knowing that mine would not.

I’m jealous of those who held their babies for longer than I did, more recently than I did, whose babies remain at the forefront of other peoples minds; I’m jealous of those who hear the sound of their child’s name spoken daily, whose babies are not simply forgotten as a tragic loss, a moment in time, an unfortunate event since lost in an expanse of memories.

And, ironically, I’m jealous of those who aren’t jealous, of those who managed to keep it together when their world turned upside down, who clawed back a little normality, held on to the people they were before, whose grief made them stronger instead of tearing them apart. I’m jealous of those who, like me, went on to have other children but still found a way to live without the constant fear that, any minute now, one of them would be taken away. I’m jealous of those who survived with far more dignity, far more strength, and far more acceptance than I could ever dream of.

And whilst I try to remind myself that we are still incredibly lucky to have had those moments, when so many parents have nothing at all, believe me when I tell you that they will never be enough. Just in the same way that having hundreds, even thousands of photographs, would never soften the blow of our loss, would never take away the pain of losing our baby, would never be enough to make up for a lifetime without our son. None of it will ever be enough.

I’m jealous.

But perhaps I’m not the only one?

 

 

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190 Comments

  1. April 8, 2018 / 11:10 am

    Oh Laura I just read this with tears running down my face. I am so sorry you didn’t get the chances others did and jealously is perfectly understandable ?

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 11:38 am

      Thank you so much for that Debbie. I was terrified of sharing this, it’s such a sensitive subject but one I hoped by sharing might help others. I know there are so many parents out there who didn’t get the opportunities that we did, and for those parents I didn’t want to appear ungrateful. It’s just hard, I wish I could turn back time. xxx

  2. April 8, 2018 / 12:20 pm

    Oh Laura, my heart breaks for you. I think I’ve mentioned this before and you may know about it but my friend edits photos for remember my baby charity and I think they can touch up old photos, to an extent. I’m not sure how with older ones but it could be worth exploring. It doesn’t help the lack of photos I know. I’m so sorry you couldn’t have more captured. Brilliant post as always lovely xx

  3. April 8, 2018 / 12:36 pm

    I get sad while reading this as well. And yes, you are not the only one who is feeling the same way. I have an officemate who is facing the same and it’s really been a hard time for her and her husband but they still move on and looking forward to best results.

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 5:44 pm

      Thank you Anosa, lots of love for your friend. xx

  4. April 8, 2018 / 1:10 pm

    This is a very sad story and something, frankly, that I never hear about. Thank you for being honest with us. Stay strong.

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 5:43 pm

      Thank you Victor. xx

  5. April 8, 2018 / 1:22 pm

    This had me sobbing – I can’t even imagine the pain of having your baby born sleeping. And those emotions are not things we can control – after my miscarriages I experienced pure rage and anger, heartbreak, jealousy, all of the emotions but not just the ones I expected to feel.

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 5:43 pm

      Thank you Alex. Yes! I felt the same after my miscarriages too, and of course with Joseph, and I think the anger and the jealousy surprised me the most. We expect to feel sadness, but that is merely a fraction of grief. Lots of love. xx

  6. Linh
    April 8, 2018 / 2:33 pm

    Your story makes me tear up. I hope you can recover soon. Be strong and move on!

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 5:42 pm

      Thank you so much. xx

  7. April 8, 2018 / 4:51 pm

    Oh Laura. What a heartbreaking but beautifully written post. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this and that’s as a mum who’s lost too. When Oliver was born we were told to be prepared for all eventualities and for 3 days I was in a labour room with no windows hearing women coming in to neighbouring rooms, screaming and then hearing their babies cry not knowing if mine would. When we lost Oliver at 21 months we did get the benefit of photos which we treasure, and it’s just of ours hands. All the photos from his final couple of months and weeks are not nice to see as he looked so poorly. I totally understand your post and its very brave to write and share.
    Lots of love xxx

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 5:42 pm

      Thank you Fran, I really appreciate you reading as I know it can’t be easy at all. I too often wonder how on earth you survived the loss of your beautiful Oliver, I can’t even imagine how I would have coped, or how heartbreaking it must have been so see him so poorly. Life is so cruel at times, I wish that wasn’t the case. Much love. xxx

  8. April 8, 2018 / 5:08 pm

    Reading this is truly heartbreaking. You are such a strong person x

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 5:40 pm

      Thank you so much for reading Maria. xx

  9. April 8, 2018 / 5:11 pm

    Oh hunny

    I’ve just sobbed my way through this and my heart breaks for you too.

    It’s so sad you weren’t given the chance to have someone capture those special moments for you. I’m glad things have changed now for others but that disnt happen soon enough and its very sad indeed x

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 5:37 pm

      Thank you Clare. It’s very hard to live with regret, and yet I know that for many parents who lost a baby before me, they were deprived even a few moments with their little ones, some never even got the chance to hold them at all. I just wish I knew then what I know now, but sadly that’s not how life works out. xx

  10. April 8, 2018 / 5:30 pm

    Such a brave and honest post. I can’t imagine having to experience a loss and then also be feeling this guilt as well. You are a really strong lady and I admire you sharing posts like this. Xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 8, 2018 / 5:36 pm

      Thank you so much Abi. I really hope that it can help someone feel a little less alone in their thoughts. xx

    • April 9, 2018 / 5:29 pm

      This is so touching and sincere…
      much love..
      I find it really compelling.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 12:17 pm

      Thank you my lovely. xx

  11. Ema j Lowe
    April 8, 2018 / 6:40 pm

    such a moving post to share.

    not been where you are, I cant imagine going through what you have with my 6 children.

    I am jealous of most mums because for only twice have I made it to full term. one thing that really pees me off is when you hear mums to be say on I want him/her out, umm no you don’t, they don’t realise how just a few weeks early can affect the child. that’s if they are born healthy, our 3rd child, my sixth (2nd marriage) was born needing help, the had to work on him for an hour and I wasn’t able to hold him for a day. that day is a lifetime.

    sorry ive gone off on a tangent.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 12:16 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear that Ema. My youngest three were premature so I know that feeling too when other Mums complain they want them out early. I had to sit and watch mine on breathing support and tube fed for weeks, it’s heartbreaking! Lots of love to you. xx

  12. April 8, 2018 / 7:06 pm

    You are most certainly not alone in this laura. I totally felt that same jealous feeling when i see lovely pictures and when I see they got a whole week too. And when they got to even have them in their home the night before. Ive heard of some being able to sit and read stories and so many more things. My heart aches we didnt get more time and more pictures and memories. I often get jealous of birth announcements and easy pregnancy and the attention and carefree births. It rips me up. Loves xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 12:15 pm

      Than you Mary, I hate that you get it but its such a comfort to know that you do. It’s so hard to feel those emotions but I guess it’s totally natural, and important to share them. Lots of love as always. xx

  13. April 8, 2018 / 7:44 pm

    You are very strong. This loss can never ever be compensated. My heart goes for you, for a mother, there is nothing worst then this. Be yourself and stay strong for yourself and our kids

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 12:01 pm

      Thank you so much, always appreciated. xx

  14. April 8, 2018 / 7:59 pm

    This is such a touching story and I applaud you for sharing it, just remember you are not alone and you should never feel like you are as much as it does feel like that at times.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 12:00 pm

      Thank you so much Joan, much appreciated. xx

  15. April 8, 2018 / 8:12 pm

    Oh Laura, your posts always move me to tears. I am so sorry you have been through this but I think the jealousy you feel is completely understandable. I am so lucky to have not lost a child but I’m sure many parents who have will find comfort in you writing this as o can imagine many feel jealous too but are too scared to voice how they feel. Sending you loads of love xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 12:00 pm

      Thank you so much Wendy. I have been so comforted to know that I am not alone, and have so much love and support around me. I really appreciate that. xx

  16. April 8, 2018 / 8:26 pm

    Oh dear! I’m so sorry, but you must know that you are not alone and you are definitely a strong lady. I can only wish you the best in life with tons of happiness.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:59 am

      Thank you so much Nida. xx

  17. April 8, 2018 / 8:34 pm

    Laura your post are always so moving. Thanks for your honesty. You’re never alone with feeling this way. Plenty of people do. However, never voice their opinions.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:59 am

      Thank you so much Tasheena, it’s so important to share isn’t it? xx

  18. April 8, 2018 / 9:09 pm

    Oh darling, what a brave post to write. I am so sorry that you didn’t get all of the things that seem to be available now. I just can’t imagine going through what you and so many people have gone through. It’s just not fair. Sending you so much love xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:59 am

      Thank you so much Lisa, always appreciated. xx

  19. Monica
    April 8, 2018 / 9:39 pm

    You are definitely not alone, I too feel jealous. Our baby was born sleeping merely 6 weeks ago and we were lucky enough to have a professional photographer volunteer come and take photos of our baby, lucky enough to have a quiet bereaved room away from the crying babies who safely made it into their parents arms, we had a special cold cot, we were offered to take him home for a few days, offered to take him for a walk to the park in the pram. But none of this would have been available if it wasn’t for mothers like you – who have openly shared their devastung stories and raised awareness in order to have these options, these non for profit organisations who do this for bereaved families available. But I too am jealous – jealous of the mums that weren’t so torn apart by grief that they weren’t afraid to hold their babies, who weren’t afraid to take their babies home, take them for a walk in the park, take hundreds of photos of their babies, cuddle them non stop, who bathed or dressed their babies, I have even seen photos of parents with their little angels who had the courage to smile in the photos, who had not only days but weeks with their babies – even though this was all offered too me I was too broken- I spent not even two days with him I keep telling everyone it was two days but now I think of it it was only 24 hrs – one whole day with our Franklyn and eventually I found the strength to hold him and by the end of those 24 hours I didn’t want to let him go. Why didn’t I stay with him for longer. “Take him for a walk in the park? I’m not a crazy woman” but I long to be able to go back and do it, I wish I dressed him and never put him down. We couldn’t bare to see his body decompose so we had him taken away because we just wanted him to rest in peace. The professional photographer came and we have in total 35 photos of him. When I read your comment that the woman had 1000 photos – I too was jealous.

    You being jealous, you have every right to be. What we have experienced no parent should ever endure.

    Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts. Stay strong beautiful woman xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:58 am

      Thank you so much Monica. I am so sad to hear that you lost your son Franklyn, and so recently too, I remember those early days and just how painful every moment was. You are so right, things have changed for bereaved parents over recent years and I am incredibly grateful for that, and the truth is that even with a thousand photos, and even with all of those memories, you and I both know that it would never be enough. I think it’s just that it would have been something more to hold on to, more memories to draw from, to talk about, to remember the saddest and the happiest moment of our life welcoming a new baby into the world, and saying goodbye at the same time. There are no words to make it better for you, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here. Sending you and your family so much love and holding Franklyn in my thoughts. xxx

  20. Anita Anderson
    April 8, 2018 / 10:47 pm

    I now understand my mother in law after reading this post. Unlike you that had at least 8 photos. She never got to see him or had any photos as my father in law thought it best. Till this day she always wonders what he would look like.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:55 am

      Gosh Anita that’s so sad. I know we were lucky in that sense, many before me did not even get the chance to meet their baby. It’s heartbreaking. xx

  21. April 9, 2018 / 12:16 am

    This was a very emotional, moving post. Thanks for sharing your raw experience so profoundly. I think your feelings are quite common and quite understandable.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:54 am

      Thank you Jenn, I’m sure they are, it’s a natural emotion I guess. xx

  22. April 9, 2018 / 1:21 am

    I cannot even begin to imagine what you’ve been through. I don’t think it’s wrong at all to feel jealous. Sending hugs 🙂

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:53 am

      Thank you so much Di. xx

  23. April 9, 2018 / 1:26 am

    Laura,

    Thank you for your honest post. Your experience is heartbreaking I’m so very sorry for your loss, and for the grief you feel daily. Lots of love to you

    Keeley x

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:53 am

      Thank you so much Keeley. xx

  24. April 9, 2018 / 2:14 am

    This is a very emotional and heart breaking post. Laura, you are very brave and strong. Recover soon.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:53 am

      Thank you so much. xx

  25. April 9, 2018 / 4:42 am

    This was utterly honest and raw, I cant even imagine the pair of losing your baby later on not having enough pictures of him.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:52 am

      Thank you Anosa, always appreciated. xx

  26. April 9, 2018 / 6:23 am

    Thank you for being authentic and sharing your heart. You are a brave and courageous woman. I am so sorry for your loss(es).

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:52 am

      Thank you so much Shelley. xx

  27. April 9, 2018 / 6:45 am

    Wow, this is such a powerful post. Genuinely I’m just tears. You are truly amazing, ❤️

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:52 am

      Thank you so much. xx

  28. April 9, 2018 / 7:12 am

    I’ve told you before how you have such a beautiful way with words. An eloquence and style that really allows us readers to feel some of your pain. You have every right to feel jealous and every other emotion you are experiencing. Don’t feel ashamed of that. Hope telling us about it lifted the weight a little from your shoulders x

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:50 am

      Than you so much Tracy. I found it so therapeutic to share this, and to know Im not alone is a huge comfort. xx

  29. April 9, 2018 / 8:32 am

    So sorry for your loss. I don’t think I would have thought to get in photographers or such likes so maybe the hospitals need to be a bit more forward thinking for parents imfaced with this who clearly aren’t in a place to organise such things themselves. I’m sure the 8 photos and memories that you do have are just as precious as those that took more. Jealousy is perfectly normal as it’s a situation that nobody would ever choose xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:50 am

      Thank you Lisa. I totally agree, especially 12 years ago when nobody spoke about stillbirth at all, I had no idea what we could and couldn’t do. I think the good thing about us sharing our experiences and speaking about it, is that if the worst happens to others, they may have an idea of how to fill those precious hours before they say goodbye. xx

  30. April 9, 2018 / 8:34 am

    Oh Laura, I can imagine that those feeling of jealousy are totally normal. I can never imagine what it must be like to go through loss that you have suffered. As always a beautifully written piece x

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:49 am

      Thank you so much Mandi, much appreciated. xx

  31. April 9, 2018 / 8:46 am

    Oh Laura, I would say that jealousy is a totally normal reaction and by you sharing this and being so open, you will help others who might have been afraid to admit that they felt the same. Such a beautiful and honest post xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:49 am

      Thank you Emma, I have had such lovely messages from those who feel the same. It was totally worth sharing that’s for sure. xx

  32. April 9, 2018 / 9:08 am

    We’ve lost 6 of our babies too, but before they were born. I suffer a lot when I think about it, and my husband shared your exact same feeling. He would be jealous of you, because we couldn’t even see our babies. He has become a very sad person, fearful, pessimistic, he’s been ripped off with each loss, and could never pick up his own pieces. He stopped believing in God too. I thank the Lord He gives me the strength to pick up my pieces and look forward. But it is not easy every day. I understand you, I do, believe me, but I also believe you can pick your pieces up, as I think my husband can too. I live only for this purpose, bring a little comfort and happiness to his life, and there are very short moments when I think I almost succeed. I live for those moments.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:48 am

      Thank you Nati, and I am so sorry to hear about your losses. It’s very hard to believe when bad things happen, I was never a religious person before but since, absolutely not. I found it impossible to believe in a God who could take away my child, so I can completely relate to your husbands feelings on this. There is always happiness amongst the sadness, I have been lucky to go on to have more children, to live a good life, surrounded by wonderful people. It’s just sad that Joseph isn’t here with us. Much love to you. xx

  33. April 9, 2018 / 9:36 am

    So heart breaking to read this. Having lost a baby to miscarriage and get being hard enough, I cannot imagine what you have gone through. Are still going through every day. So much love to you x

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:47 am

      I’m so sorry to hear that Stacey, thank you so much. xx

  34. April 9, 2018 / 9:55 am

    I don’t think you will be alone in this Laura, such an honest and raw post. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through but it’s understandable to want those moments and memories you didn’t get x

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:46 am

      Thank you Emily. I have been so touched by just how many people have messaged to say they understand and feel the same. I wish nobody did but it’s good to know I’m not alone. xx

  35. April 9, 2018 / 10:21 am

    Oh Laura, you’re not alone. Thank you for voicing your feelings and helping those who are unable to do so. Lots of love x

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:46 am

      Thank you so much, always appreciated. xx

  36. April 9, 2018 / 11:26 am

    Such as sad post to read but it’s great to see all the support on here from everyone!

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:45 am

      Thank you Jon, the support has been over whelming and reminded me why I share these posts. xx

  37. April 9, 2018 / 11:36 am

    Reading this has really touched my heart – I am however a little glad you have found some form of outlet through your writing. Pouring out your deepest and darkest thoughts always works for me too – this is why I keep a journal for the times my heart is unable to carry the weight of my sadness. Keep going my darling – you may never heal from this loss but your sadness will be replaced with happiness one day soon – I promise you!

    http://www.nmdiaries.com

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:45 am

      Thank you so much, it’s always good to share and get those thoughts down on paper. I feel so much lighter for having shared it. xx

  38. Komal
    April 9, 2018 / 11:51 am

    Oh wow this is such a touching story. I am so sorry for your loss but am so proud of your courageousneas

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:43 am

      Thank you so much Komal. xx

  39. Joanna
    April 9, 2018 / 11:53 am

    This was so heartbreaking to read… read your pain through the lines… as we know, we can’t bring back time, and it’s totally ok to be jealous. But also cherish those 8 photos because you got a chance to have them, as some women might be jealous of you, because they might have none.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:43 am

      Thank you, and that is so true. Those who lost their babies years before were often deprived of even holding their babies at all, let alone having photographs and memories to draw from. In that way I do feel very lucky. xx

  40. April 9, 2018 / 12:42 pm

    I haven’t been through this difficult situation, but with my age, my husband and I aspire to have a baby – we’ve been to many medical trials and no positive result till now. I felt jealousy too, knowing other lady/women can bear a baby seems easy. Though I am working on this feeling and trying to keep positive still.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:42 am

      Eliza that is totally natural, I think jealousy is actually a normal reaction to so many areas of life, especially those where we suffer heartache. Much love. xx

  41. April 9, 2018 / 12:50 pm

    I cannot imagine that you are the only one, but I did have a friend who I had read this post. She was jealous of you. She never had any photos or any of her pregnancies get as far as you. She said she understood your pain. From both of us, hugs and prayers for peace.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:41 am

      Ahh Terri I am so sorry to hear that, so much love to your friend. We also lost 15 babies to miscarriage so I know in that way, I was thankful that I got to meet him, but in other ways I feel that it made it all the more painful to say goodbye. Thank you so much for reading. xx

  42. April 9, 2018 / 1:13 pm

    A beautiful post and as we’ve spoken about before I know that you are not alone in your thoughts. I get why you feel like this and you have every right to feel like it. We can’t help the emotions that something like baby loss brings us, there is never a wrong way to feel. Well done for sharing, I know how hard that was for you xxx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:40 am

      Thank you my lovely, it was hugely cathartic to share and to know that actually, I’m not alone in this. It’s just desperately sad that so many can relate. xx

  43. April 9, 2018 / 1:55 pm

    First, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your words are so moving and so beautiful. I love how honest you were with them. I think as Moms, we all have moments of jealousy and it’s completely normal. Just use it to live your life to the fullest.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:39 am

      Thank you Heather, you are so right. I think that’s the biggest thing Joseph taught me. xx

  44. April 9, 2018 / 2:35 pm

    oh i am so sorry for your upsetting time, i dont see it as a loss , it was a gain of having such a beautiful gift although for just a short time , still a beautiful gift for those 24 hours , i know some like my sister will never even get that , that tiny hand to hold and those feelings of true love as you look into those babies eyes for the very first time, you may feel jealousy but please feel thankful for even the slightest of those very tiny but precious moments you were given , of course its sad , why you , why Joseph? its so especially hard for people to deal with a loss especially when its to a child they thought would leave well and truly after themselves , life can be cruel and unfair but life is also a way in which we find ourselves, it learns us how to feel all those emotions although some may feel heartbreaking at the time it builds courage and strength enabling you to be ready for the next time life may throw another heartache and unfortunately i dare say you’ve had your fare share and i hope you dont feel anymore now sweetheart. I wish you all the very best in your future and hope those tiny although little precious memories give you some sort of peace at least x

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:38 am

      Thank you Lisa. You are so right in that many never get those moments, and I was very lucky to have 24 hours with Joseph before we said Goodbye, but it was incredibly hard in that he didn’t open his eyes, or let out his first cry, that I didnt get even one moment to feel his heart beating outside of my tummy, and in that way I find it very hard to feel lucky for that. I also know that if it wasn’t for Joseph I wouldn’t be the person I am now, on the path I am now, and I am thankful to him for that. I just wish he was here beside me too. xx

  45. April 9, 2018 / 5:16 pm

    I think in these circumstances feeling jealousy is perfectly valid. I am so sorry you never got to experience all these things with Joseph. Sending the biggest of hugs to you Laura ???

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:34 am

      Thank you so much Siobhan, I really appreciate that. xx

  46. April 9, 2018 / 5:22 pm

    This is so touching and real to me, I can totally relate although not to a child, but a parent, I find myself reminiscing over all the times I took for granted, over all of photos I thought weren’t good enough to keep(but would find myself staring at even a poorly drawn portrait).. Yes I get jealous..

    I can totally relate. You are not alone

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:34 am

      Ahh thank you Samuel. I think we can all relate to those feelings, especially about our parents. I take mine for granted far too much, or forget to cherish the moments because I’m too caught up in work or the kids. I would hate to look back with regret. Thank you for your comment, much appreciated. xx

  47. April 9, 2018 / 5:30 pm

    Gosh this is such an emotive, painful yet beautifully written post. So sorry for your loss, you are so brave to share your story.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:33 am

      Thank you so much Rachel. xx

  48. April 9, 2018 / 6:53 pm

    Oh, Laura, such an emotional post to read and I can imagine how emotional it would have been for you to write this too. I cannot imagine what you must have been going through 🙁 Remember you did everything you could possibly do at the time (( Hugs )) xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:31 am

      Thank you so much, your words meant to much. You’re right, we did everything we could that was available to us at that time, I think regardless of whether we did less or we did more, I would always feel that it wasn’t enough. xx

  49. April 9, 2018 / 7:10 pm

    sorry for your pain, your story touched my heart. My mother has a story with the same subject and I have seen her struggle for years. Thank you for sharing your story and letting others know they are not alone

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:31 am

      Ah Angie I’m sorry to hear that, it’s heartbreaking isn’t it? Much love. xx

  50. April 9, 2018 / 7:46 pm

    I can totally relate to all of your feelings and I must say it is wonderful to hear you express them. All these feelings are completely natural and are your way of working through what you have been through.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:30 am

      Thank you so much Ali, it was hugely therapeutic to share! xx

  51. April 9, 2018 / 8:21 pm

    I could never imagine how awful it must be to lose a child. It’s not surprising that you feel strong emotions when others seem to breeze through pregnancy.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:30 am

      Thank you Melanie, it’s very hard to live with jealousy. I think its helped to share it and realise it is totally natural. xx

  52. April 9, 2018 / 8:31 pm

    What a sad post, I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel but I can understand where you’re coming from and all the different emotions you must feel.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:29 am

      Thank you so much Sarah. xx

  53. April 9, 2018 / 9:02 pm

    Going through such loss can be very hard to imagine. I know what is like to lose a parent but not a child, so it would be unfair to say I know what you have gone through. I do know and feel that these experiences can and do make us stronger. I do believe in a higher power and I do believe that families can be together beyond death.

    Never feel that sharing your feelings are a burden either. Great post.

    Thanks for Sharing

    John M

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:28 am

      Thank you John, much appreciated. I struggle very much to have faith in a higher power, I think the small iota of faith I had was crushed when Joseph died. I wish I did though, I think it would provide a huge comfort. xx

  54. April 9, 2018 / 9:26 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you are going through.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:27 am

      Thank you so much Kara. xx

  55. April 10, 2018 / 7:19 am

    This is such a heart breaking post, every line made me sense the deep pain inside you for the loss of Joseph and for just having 24 hours to be with him. Can understand your pain and grief!

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:24 am

      Thank you so much Jhilmil, I really do appreciate that. xx

  56. April 10, 2018 / 8:58 am

    This is so moving I am actually crying right now, I am so grateful in having 3 healthy sons, I suffered a stroke 11 years ago which has left me disabled, but I am glad that it happened to me, rather than my children #triamphanttales@_karendennis

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:24 am

      Thank you Karen. I’m so sorry about your stroke, how awful that must have been. But yes, I think we will always do are utmost to protect our children. I wish I could have changed the outcome with Joseph, living with that regret is so hard. xx

  57. April 10, 2018 / 9:20 am

    Oh Laura my heart is broken for you, I am so sorry. You should never feel bad for any of your feelings though and I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling or how much it must hurt. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings as I know this post must have been so hard to write but it will help so many people I am sure.

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:23 am

      Thank you Jess, it was so therapeutic to write and it turns out so many people can relate. I really appreciate you reading.xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:17 am

      Thank you Enda. xx

  58. April 10, 2018 / 9:58 am

    Oh! Laura this is heartbreaking as always brought a tear to my eye beautifully written as always #truimphanttales

    • Laura Dove
      April 10, 2018 / 11:15 am

      Thank you Nige, always appreciated. xx

  59. April 10, 2018 / 12:32 pm

    Thank you for being so honest in this post, I think it’s only natural to feel jealous as there’s so many experiences and things that you feel that you lost out on x

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:11 pm

      Thank you Rhian, yes! That is so much of it. I feel so cheated at times. xx

  60. Geraline Batarra
    April 10, 2018 / 12:39 pm

    Your story really makes me cry! Thank you for being honest on what you feel. I’ve never been experience what you’ve experienced but one thing is for sure this thing makes my hearts broken. You are such a great example of a strong woman in our society.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:11 pm

      Thank you so much Geraline .xx

  61. April 10, 2018 / 1:10 pm

    An incredibly honest post, I really feel heartbroken for you as you’ve been through enough, let alone to feel this way too. Sending you all the love.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:11 pm

      Thank you so much Lyndsay. xxx

  62. April 10, 2018 / 1:21 pm

    Totally can understand this emotion….and the feelings behind it. If there was one time I should have been selfish,its when I should have videotaped Lori more in life. She was photo shy due to childhood trauma about being teased and so hated to have her picture taken…I always respected that but in hindsight…….I have 3 video clips of her. And I am just crushed by that…..

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:10 pm

      Oh Patrick, I knew that you would relate to these feelings of grief. This is the exact reason why I try to be on camera more with my children, I am very camera shy but since having the children I realise how important it is for me to be there on print, or in video, for them to look back on in years to come. Much love to you. xxxx

  63. April 10, 2018 / 1:27 pm

    SO sad! I can never think, what you have been through or what you were feeling while expressing your thoughts in this post. Naturally, everybody feels jealous. But, we have to be strong and move on. You have to believe in god and he’ll take care of everything.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:09 pm

      Thank you so much, xx

  64. April 10, 2018 / 1:49 pm

    This post took too much strength to write and that’s why I admire you so much for your honesty and your heart. I’ve never had children and my time has passed to have one so I cannot imagine the heartache and the grief but I do understand what you’re trying to say. You shouldn’t feel bad for what you’re feeling. We’re all just human.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:04 pm

      Thank you so much Carol, I really do appreciate that. xxx

  65. April 10, 2018 / 4:35 pm

    Your posts about Joseph never fail to break my heart. I can’t imagine the pain and terror to lose a child. It’s one of my greatest fears – one that is keeping me from becoming pregnant again.
    Love and prayers to you and your family. And, of course, to Joseph in Heaven

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:04 pm

      Thank you so much. I am so sorry that you have such fear, I think far too many of us feeling that way. Love to you. xx

  66. April 10, 2018 / 7:34 pm

    My heart breaks for you! I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. Stay strong!

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:03 pm

      Thank you Rika. xx

  67. April 10, 2018 / 9:19 pm

    Heartbreakingly honest post. You’re so strong for writing this and I can completely understand your feelings.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 12:00 pm

      Thank you so much Jen. xx

  68. April 11, 2018 / 1:24 am

    Such a touching post! I teared up a bit, my mother and siblings have gone through miscarriages–its never easy. You start to envy happy families and that’s never good. Thanks for sharing, I hope you are doing well.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:59 am

      Sorry to hear that. Thank you so much. xx

  69. Blair villanueva
    April 11, 2018 / 2:16 am

    Im sorry that you have this feeling. But you shouldn’t be forever like this. Am sure your Joseph wouldn’t like seeing you have this feeling. Smile.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:59 am

      Thank you Blair. xx

  70. April 11, 2018 / 3:14 am

    Isn’t it funny how we covet the things we don’t have? Never mind if it’s rational or not. Thank-you for being brave with your words, because we’ve all been there at one time or another. Not necessarily with the loss of a child, but with other big life events. I always try to remember that we each have our own paths to walk, and while it may look like someone has something I don’t, I never quite know what they’re facing behind closed doors. xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:59 am

      Thank you Ali, you are so right. And. think it’s natural, especially during grief. I know for me, rationality goes out of the window at times, but again that’s all part of the grieving process. xx

  71. April 11, 2018 / 6:56 am

    I have a very dear friend who is a photographer for the butterfly network who take these photos and I know what a comfort the pictures are for bereaved families so I can completely understand how you feel. Its women like you that raise awareness though, that have allowed this to happen and I hope you get comfort in that fact x

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:52 am

      Thank you Kara, that’s an amazing thing that your friend does. I expect its so hard but equally beautiful to provide parents those memories for always. xx

  72. April 11, 2018 / 9:40 am

    I just don’t know how you do it. I can not imagine everything you and your whole family go through both at the time and everyday. I am totally certain that you are not alone on this and these feelings. It’s understandable. You are so brave and will help so many others that have gone through the same devastating experience. Sending love as always xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:51 am

      Thank you so much my lovely friend. xxxxx

  73. April 11, 2018 / 12:37 pm

    I am so utterly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it was like and how it must feel. It’s completely understandable though and you are entitled to feel how you do, however that is. You are so brave.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:49 am

      Thank you so very much .xxx

  74. Agentszerozerosetter
    April 11, 2018 / 2:50 pm

    Your story is so sad Laura, I can completely understand you. You’re a strong woman, it’s not easy to speak about deep feelings like yours. Send you hugs and love❤️

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:49 am

      Thank you so much, always appreciated. xx

  75. April 11, 2018 / 5:53 pm

    I just want to give you a hug. I’m so sorry you went through this and so sad that you’re going through these added feelings. But I think all of it, the jealousy, the wants, the needs, the things we can grab onto are all part of healing. Others may go through what you’ve been through but only YOU have those exact feelings you’re having. You will also always wonder what you could have done differently and if having extra cameras or chargers would have made you feel better, but sometimes I heal by thinking “those things had to happen exactly as they did because that’s what was meant for me to get through the path I’m going through now.” I help keep myself from going through the “what ifs” with reminders that the good stuff will happen because those specific details didn’t.

    I am thinking of you today and hope this “journey” is one that makes you even stronger. Life has a funny way of showing us just how powerful and amazing we can be!

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:46 am

      Thank you so much Karlyn. You are so right, I think that’s the one thing I have taken from our loss, that it was the path I was supposed to be on (however hard that was) to end up where I am today. I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave such a lovely comment. xxx

  76. Dannii
    April 11, 2018 / 6:44 pm

    I am so sorry that you don’t have those photos, but you will always have those memories. Sending you a big hug xx

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:45 am

      Thank you so much Dannii. xxx

  77. April 11, 2018 / 8:30 pm

    Given all the things you went through, I cannot imagine having any other response aside from jealousy to those who seemed to have happy and carefree pregnancies. I mean with ours we had a relatively easy pregnancy, but everything which was going around the pregnancy was chaotic and made it hard to enjoy the way we would have liked to enjoy it. And one month after my daughter was born, we lost my brother in law to cancer at the age of 22. It was crazy and hard. I guess it’s not the same as losing a child, but the whole experience of loss mixed with joy made it interesting.

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:45 am

      Oh David I am so sorry to hear that. I can imagine it was a bitter sweet time for you and your family. I think jealousy is a huge part of grief and it’s important to recognise that. xx

  78. April 12, 2018 / 12:45 am

    Oh Laura, I am reading this with tears running down my cheeks. You are one brave mama for sharing this. You have every right to be jealous of the perfect photos other bereaved parents might have had, or of the time they might have had with their sleeping babies. Everyone processes loss differently but the fact you write so openly about it must help so many. xxxx

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:44 am

      Thank you my lovely, it was so tough to share but so therapeutic and I hope helped others. xxx

  79. April 12, 2018 / 8:02 am

    I couldn’t finish reading your post. My chest tightened. But I salute you for looking at the glass half full. Such positively and courage. You are a great mom.

    Each one of us have been given different paths and directions. And you are doing well in yours. God bless you!

    • Laura Dove
      April 12, 2018 / 11:43 am

      Thank you so much Sigrid. xx

  80. April 12, 2018 / 3:13 pm

    I know it was such a painful experience on your part. I hope you will feel better soon. You are such a strong woman.

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:46 pm

      Thank you so much. xx

  81. April 12, 2018 / 8:23 pm

    What a beautifully written and honest piece. I cannot imagine your pain however I know that your words will comfort others struggling with the same emotions. You should never feel that how you feel is wrong you are only human. Take care of yourself x

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:40 pm

      Thank you Louise so much. xxx

  82. April 13, 2018 / 6:21 am

    I will feel same, your jealousy is well understood. No one feels good on a loss whatsoever it be. Most especially on this. Be strong and your bravery to make a post of this is awesome.

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:36 pm

      Thank you Lex. xxx

  83. April 13, 2018 / 6:25 am

    I read this post when you first published it, Laura, I didn’t know what to say then. I still don’t now, if I’m honest. I can’t imagine the pain. I think that envy is completely understandable and I’m sure many women will relate to it. <3

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:36 pm

      Thank you Beth, and sometimes no words are needed. xxx

  84. April 13, 2018 / 11:13 am

    Laura, I too read this earlier and didn’t know what to say. I haven’t been through all that you have, and I don’t know you, but I love you for sharing your heart and your family’s story. You help more people than you know, and your feelings are always valid. Never stop writing. xox

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:29 pm

      Thank you so much Lorna, that’s so kind of you to say. xxx

  85. Soffy
    April 14, 2018 / 9:05 pm

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am with you on this. First of all, absolutely well done for being so honest. Just by reading this it has helped me so much I can’t put it into words but I feel jealous too. I only have 3 photos of my son. I don’t have a memory box filled with things, or pictures with his hand and footprints or a lock of his beautiful hair. I barely got to spend an hour with him let alone a week! Thank you so much for making me feel that I’m not alone in this.
    Thanks for linking up with #DreamTeam

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:17 pm

      Ahh Soffy I am so sorry to hear that. It’s just so sad isn’t it? There are no words to describe that loss, or that regret, and I think it’s important to share that grief isn’t just a moment in time, but our entire lifetime, for always. xxx

  86. April 15, 2018 / 10:43 am

    This is such a heartbreakingly honest post Laura, and I’m sure that you’re not alone in having those feelings. It’s completely understandable that you’d feel that way, it’s a totally unfair situation, and I don’t think anyone would think any less of you for being jealous. I hope this post finds someone who needs to read it and it helps them to feel less alone. Thank you so much for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:12 pm

      Thank you Katy, I have been so comforted to know that many can relate to this, but so sad that far too many parents have been through the same. xx

  87. April 15, 2018 / 4:45 pm

    So heartbreaking to read your story and see so many comments from people who have equally suffered such losses. I take it for granted far too often that I have two healthy girls. #KCACOLS

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:10 pm

      Thank you Clare, I think anyone who hasn’t suffered a loss is incredibly lucky aren’t they? It seems to common these days. xx

  88. April 15, 2018 / 5:29 pm

    I’m pretty certain that you’re not alone in feeling like this. But like you say, it’s probably not something that people talk about, but they should and I’m so glad that you shared this. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been – and still is. My heart breaks for you every time I read about Joseph. But he is kept alive through your blog. And that’s a beautiful thing. Lots of love. xx Thanks for joining us at #TriumphantTales, hope you’ll come back again on Tuesday!

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:09 pm

      Thank you, I have had such lovely feedback from those who feel the same way. It was worth sharing just for that. xxx

  89. April 15, 2018 / 5:59 pm

    Im literally sat in tears reading this, I can’t imagine what you must have gone through, are still going through. But you got to hold him, spend time with him, he was there. My mum lost a baby (stillborn) before me and in those days they just whisked them away- she didn’t even see his face. It still haunts her to this day that she didn’t even know what he looked like. I know it probably doesn’t help but take comfort in the fact that you got to be his mum, even if it was only for 24 short hours. #kcacols

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:08 pm

      I totally agree, it kills me to hear what parents went through in those days, not even having the chance to hold their baby at all or know where, or if, they were buried. I cherish those hours we spent together, I just wish there would have been more, I think that’s natural. xxx

  90. April 16, 2018 / 11:10 am

    I’m so sorry you don’t have photos and I’m sure you’re not the only one who feels that way. I wish there was something more I could do help apart from offer a hug …

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 6:03 pm

      Thank you Tubbs. xx

  91. April 17, 2018 / 1:15 pm

    Laura, as difficult as this must have been to write and share, it is my hope that it will make all who read it more aware of how we can show more sensitivity and be of more help if this should happen to anyone in our lives. Sending you sympathy and a big virtual hug.

    • Laura Dove
      April 17, 2018 / 5:45 pm

      Thank you so much Jean, I really hope so. xx

  92. April 24, 2018 / 6:19 pm

    While mine is a completely different story to yours Laura, I get very jealous, angry even, when people jabber on about their perfect pregnancies and births. I can relate to a degree to your words because while I’m insanely grateful that our now 8yo daughter was and has always been healthy, I’d say that I almost mourn the picture-perfect time in the hospital. xx #kcacols

    • Laura Dove
      April 27, 2018 / 10:40 pm

      I think we all have those feelings within us and its okay to share that, or at least it should be. Thank you Carol. xxx

  93. April 25, 2018 / 6:35 am

    I can’t even begin to fathom the pain and confusion you must have felt and have been feeling for all of these years. Parents should never ever lose children and it breaks my heart that it even happens. Bless you and your beautiful family ? you’re helping so many people by sharing your stories, thoughts and feeling xxx Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time

    • Laura Dove
      April 27, 2018 / 10:35 pm

      Thank you Amie, I really appreciate that and I do hope it has helped others. xx

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