Raising Awareness of Stillbirth with Channel 5
From the moment that Joseph came into our lives, almost twelve years ago now, I made him a promise. In the silence of the funeral home, as I kissed him goodbye for the very last time and held him close to my chest, I told him that I would never forget, that I would carry him with me for always, and that I would share our story in every way I can. And believe me when I tell you, I have tried so hard to do just that.
I won’t lie to you, whilst as a family we have carried his memory forward, and whilst my heart still beats to the sound of his name, it is still incredibly difficult to share our story. There are days when I falter to say his name, when it sticks to the lump in my throat, tears stinging at my eyes, the realisation that no matter how many years pass, this will never gets easier.
There are moments when I sit down to write, when I have every thought perfectly formed in my head, and I just can’t find the words to put down on paper how much it hurts that I can’t say them to him in person.
There are times when I want to shout from the rooftops that there are five, not four, beautiful children who make me so proud in so many different ways, and yet for the benefit of others I break my own heart and stay silent.
Last week I was incredibly honoured to be asked to travel down to London to film for a Channel 5 show focusing on stillbirth. And yet, as touched as I was to be invited, to say I was terrified would be an understatement.
Being on camera does not come naturally to me at all. I am incredibly self critical, overwhelmingly self conscious, and although I may appear eloquent in my words, when it comes to voicing those thoughts out loud, I really struggle. I’ll be honest, in the days leading up to the event I thought of a thousand reasons not to attend, and just one reason to go.
Joseph.
Because that little boy, who at almost twelve years old would not be so little at all, is the one who pushes me to be braver, to be stronger, to know that with him in my heart there is nothing I can’t do or achieve. That little boy has made me a fighter, a warrior, someone who can survive the impossible, who is unrecognisable to those who know my inner battles, someone who strives to make changes in just the same way that he has.
It’s true what they say – the smallest footprints leave the largest imprints, and Joseph, my darling boy, has done exactly that. His story has helped others in so many ways and, although he never opened his eyes or took his first breath, the legacy he left behind is infinitively great.
So I went down to London, clutching his memory box close to my heart, filled with my precious memories and photos I wasn’t sure I could share, and every time that I faltered at the thought of all those cameras, all of that pressure, I saw his little face and knew that this was the very least he deserved.
And I did it. I shared my story. I opened up that memory box, I allowed them, and the public in, and through a jumble of ‘umms’ and ‘errs’, I said what I set out to say. And tomorrow I will return to London for the live show, where I will try to ignore the knot in my stomach, the intensity of the lights and the cameras and a setting I am so uncomfortable with, and I’ll do my boy proud.
I’m sure it will be emotional, and I’m sure there will be tears (be that of sadness, fear or utter relief when it’s over!), but those feelings, every ‘umm’ and ‘err’, every lump in the throat, every knot in my stomach, they are all part of our story – a wonderfully tragic, devastatingly joyous, indefinitely life changing story that deserves to be told.
I hope you will support, not just me but, the eight brave and wonderful ladies who share their stories beside me at 6.30pm, this Tuesday 1st May, on Channel 5 followed by live streaming on-line.
And for Joseph, wherever he may be, I am so incredibly proud of you.
What an emotional and personal post. I’ll be sure to check out your article in the Daily Mirror tomorrow.
The journalist just rang to say it won’t be published tomorrow due to a big news event being published (not sure what that is!) but it may be on the website. Xx
What time is it on tomorrow? I had a stilborn daughter in 1971 and another 1973. I still grieve, visit their graves annually but no one else in the family is interested.
Sorry Wendy I missed this. I am so sorry to hear that, how utterly devastating for you and with no family support. The show is available to catch up on the Channel 5 news page over on fb. Much love to you. xx
What a brave thing to take part in and to discuss such a hard time in your family’s life. You should be very proud of yourself 🙂
Thank you so much xx
I think this is incredibly brave of you. It is always difficult to share the emotional times in our lives but they are important to share
Thank you Mickey xx
This is such an emotional post, I am sure being part of this with channel 5 will really help so many people who are sadly going through the same thing as you have.
Thank you Sarah xx
You’re so brave for you to tell your story for this Channel 5 show. You’ll be helping so many others out there.
Thank you xx
Wow, you are so so brave. This is such a hard subject and for some reason people still feel uncomfortable talking about it. You are doing an amazing thing for all the people who have been through something like this and aren’t able to speak out about. Well done.
Thank you, I think it did help a lot of people! xx
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that comes with going through a stillbirth. It’s literally too much for me to wrap my mind around. BUT there are a lot of moms out there who know the feeling all too well, and your story will certainly give them strength.
Thank you, it happens way too often and I think that’s why we need to talk about it way more than we do. xx
I think what you are doing is amazing. I lost twins and I don’t think I could stand up and talk about it, part of that is to do with not being able to discuss it with anyone when it happened, people just don’t know what to say. Good luck xx
Oh Cathy I am so sorry to hear that. It was incredibly tough but important that I did it. xx
I’m glad you were so brave to share your story with others. I think it resonates with more of us that you might know. Angels we will never forget.
Thank you Crystal. xx
Just reading this brings tears to my eyes. I think it is great that you share your story and help others who have been through similar. Your photos and your story touch the heart. Bless you.
Thank you Mandee. xxx
Thank you so much for sharing your story. There are so many grieving families out there who will be comforted by your strength.
Thank you so much xx
I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story, I know that must have been hard. Hugs mama.
Thank you so much xx
You’ll be amazing Laura, Joseph will be so proud of you I’m sure, as will the rest of your family.
Thank you so much xx
The pain of losing a child will always be with you. You are brave to share your story with others.
Thank you so much xx
Well done for being so brave. Joseph would be very proud and you should be proud of yourself too xx
Thank you so much xx
I definitely think that more awareness needs to be made of this as I’m sure so many people feel all alone when something like this happens to them x
I totally agree, we need to be speaking about it way more than we do! xx
You’re so amazingly brace Laura. Good luck tomorrow, I will be watching xx
Thank you so much xx
Your story made me cry especially when you said “There are times when I want to shout from the rooftops that there are five, not four, beautiful children who make me so proud in so many different ways, and yet for the benefit of others I break my own heart and stay silent”. I lost a child as an infant and don’t usually say there are 3 children instead of 2 since the explanation still hurts my heart many years later. You are incredibly strong 🙂
I am so sorry Patty, that’s devastating for you and your family I’m sure. It’s very hard when people ask how many children you have, it’s the one I struggle with the most. xx
So brave hun as it is a hard situation to be in but one that need to be told and it helps us learn.
You’re right, thank you. xx
I wept from the first paragraph of this, you are so brave and so inspiring. Sharing stories like this must be so horrifically hard and I really admire your bravery in doing so.
I’ll definitely be tuning in
Sending love
xx
Thank you so much xx
What a beautiful and emotional post. I am so proud of you for taking part in such an important programme.
Thank you so much xx
I read this earlier via your Instagram Stories and honestly my heart broke for you, like you said the pain never gets easier even as time passes and while you might have found it difficult to film the documentary I am very proud of you for not just doing it for Joseph but for all those parents out there who have shared a similar loss. Losing someone is never easy but losing someone who never truly got to live must have been devastating. But honestly it has shaped you into this amazing woman that you are today and I know that it will help so many people out there too x
Thank you so much Ana. It was such an emotional experience but one I am so pleased to have been a part of. Showing Josephs face to the whole nation was a huge high point for me, I cry every time I think about how special that moment was. xxx
Laura this is perfect. You’ve hit the nail on the head and I loved every line. It is so much pressure and scary, and sometimes we all shy away from saying their names… but this is the reason x x
Thank you Mary. What an emotional week hey? xx
What a beautiful post, beautifully written. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story with the world.
Thank you Michelle xxx
Our hearts are breaking for you and you’ve done an amazingly brave thing to raise awareness in front of cameras which is scary in itself. His memory lives on through you. He’d be very proud of his mummy x
Thank you so much xxx
Thank you for sharing this information. It’s so important that people really understand this issue.
Thank you for reading. xx
What an emotional post. You are so brave for sharing this with us.
Xo, Sondra
Cuisineandtravel.com
Thank you so much xx
Such an emotional and beautiful post I love reading your story. Honestly, it makes me cry while reading it I am so proud of you, you are such a strong person and I admire of being like that.
Thank you so much xx
What a fantastic thing to do. I can’t imagine how tough it was for you and know we’ve frequently spoken about our lost boys. I’ll definitely make sure I watch. Well done for being so brave xxx
Thank you Fran xxx
What an honest, emotional post. Thank you for the honor of reading it. I wonder how many hearts you sooth by sharing this story of yours? It must be the story of somany mothers out there.
Way too many. Thank you Penny xx
I am tearing up just reading your post. I will be sure to check out your story when published.
Thank you so much xx
I think you are totally brave to do the show and to shed awareness and provide help to others who are feeling lost without any help. I will be watching your story tonight on Channel 5 as I feel this topic is not discussed as much as it should be.
Thank you so much xx
You are so brave. What an emotional topic and post, it deserves awareness! #kcacols
Thank you so much xx
This is really brave and amazing all at once. I love that there is awareness about stillbirth out there. It’s something so many I know have experienced, prior to that I had no idea it existed and it’s heart breaking. xo
I was the same, I had no idea about it at all until it happened to us. xx
This must have been really difficult to do especially with your experience. It’s good that you are helping to raise awareness and help others that might have had a similar experience. It isn’t discussed enough as far as I can see and it’s important to make sure other parents are aware that it isn’t just them it happens too and help them cope.
It was very difficult but very important to me too. Thank you so much xx
It takes a lot of strength to talk about this. I can’t imagine what you have been through. It’s good to raise awareness and it helps to support other moms going through the same thing.
Thank you so much xx
That is an incredibly brave thing to do for you and for your little boy. I hope your article reaches many people and gets the awareness out there about still births:)
Thank you so much xx
Thank you for sharing your personal story. The pain that you share truly helps others to understand the depth of grief that you feel. The ability to embrace your reluctance to do TV; share your story is a testament to the strength you have from your experience.
Thank you so much xx
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. I hope that you find strength in knowing that you are helping spread awareness on such a sensitive topic. Joseph would be very proud of you for stepping so far out of your comfort zone in order to tell his story!
Thank you so much xx
This post has made me all emotional. I am sure Joseph is so proud of you. I will be watching you today.
Thank you so much xx
You were, and still are, a wonderful mummy to your little boy Joseph and I’m so sorry that you cannot hold him the way you can your other children. But you do hold his memory up for us all to see and to learn something from you both, and that’s so valuable and generous of you. Best of luck for the TV show x
Thank you so much Janet, I really appreciate that xxx
I absolutely loved reading through this. You’re extremely strong and brave. Not many can even write about this. You should be extremely proud of yourself.
Thank you so much xx
It’s not easy to share something that you’ve been going through for a long time. But I admire you because in doing this, you’re going to help so many other parents out there who are experiencing the same things. It’s not easy, yes. But it’s always going to be worth it.
I love that saying Alison, you are so right. xx
I think you are incredibly brave and inspiring to share your story. It’s so important though. As a mother I can’t imagine the pain you’ve had to deal with. so when another person I know goes through the same situation I struggle to find the right words or the appropriate ways in which to behave and react around them. Thank you, I’ll certainly be watching.
Thank you so much xx
I have followed your blog since starting mine back in September 2016 and there’s nothing I’d love more than to watch you and support you – I’m so glad you decided to go. You’re amazing! Sadly I won’t be home to be able to watch it at that time, but I’ll be bugging you to find the online streaming if I can’t find it! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time.
Ahh thank you so much Sara, that’s so kind of you and much appreciated xxx
I truly loved reading this. I could feel the love, the pain, the emotion that went into writing it and I am so grateful that you shared it with us.
Thank you so much xx
Oh Laura how incredibly brave of you to share such a raw and personal part of your life! You do such a amazing job of treasuring Joseph’s memory and raising awareness! x
Thank you so much xx
a truly beautiful and emotional post and thanks for your strength in sharing this..
Thank you so much xx
What a heartbreaking story. Thank you so much for sharing. I can’t even imagine.
Thank you so much xx
You are strong and brave and I know Joseph would be proud of who his mother is. While I’m in the states and can’t see it, I know it will be incredibly moving and you will help so many others with your story.
Thank you so much xx
I can not even begin to imagine how it must have been for you to sit there open up and sharing you story. Its different writing it to strangers but must be even different to speak it.
Yes! Saying it out loud was incredibly different!! xx
This post is just so heartfelt and so full of emotions – thank you for sharing your story. Not many people share theirs but I think we should so that we can educate others about it.
Thank you Lisa, I really appreciate that. xx
Thinking of you and Joseph. We lost our first daughter, Braylie in 2014. I am so proud of you for continuing to speak about your loss. It is so difficult emotionally, and there is still a lot of stigma surrounding the subject of pregnancy loss. ?
I am so sorry Kaitlyn, that must have been just heartbreaking for you all. It’s so hard to share isn’t it? But so important that we do. xx
Being a mother has brought so much joy and so much heartbreak at the same time. Your sweet Joseph was honored by your remembrance. I appreciate getting to know his story.
Thank you so much xx
What a heartbreaking story. You are so brave to share this with us.
Thank you so much xx
This was so heartbreaking and I commend you for sharing your story with others. It can certainly help others who are struggling with this.
Thank you so much xx
Thank you for your courage. I hope the show was well received.
Thank you so much, it really was! xx
You are amazing or sharing your story. I know some people wouldn’t be that brave, but you are going to help so many people by sharing.
Thank you Danielle xx
Joseph would be so proud of you – off to watch it on catch up now
Thank you Kara xxx
I watched the show and can I just say how incredibly brave you are, Joseph would be so proud of you.
Thank you so much Sarah Ann. I didn’t feel at all brave! xx
I will have to check to see if I can catch the live streaming. I think it would be amazing to hear your story. That’s so awesome you have been able to carry his memory forward this way and hope to help other women who suffer with having to deal with the loss of a child so early on. You are a beautiful soul.
Thank you David, that’s so kind of you to say xxx
Laura, you are bloody incredible. Well done, darling. I know this won’t have been easy. AT ALL. But the lengths you go to in order to honour Joseph are so so wonderful. You’re doing a brilliant job. I am so proud of you.
Thank you Holly, I really appreciate that. It’s been a strange week, I’m more than a little emotional! xx
Such a beautiful post. And I truly admire your strength and your courage for sharing your story. I will have to check the show.
Thank you Lynndee xx
This is a beautiful post. As a mother myself I couldn’t imagine opening up and sharing your story, but it was very courageous and brave of you to do so! Thank you for sharing your story, there are a lot of women who go through this and these kinds of topics aren’t as openly discussed as they should be, so that others know they aren’t alome.
Thank you Nicole, its important for us to share isn’t it? xx
What an absolutely heartbreaking thing for you to go through. You’ve been so brave in sharing your story and have definitely made your little boy proud.
Thank you Jean xx
Having a stillbirth– is something I could NEVER imagine. I have had miscarriages but it is so not the same. There is a new level of loss that comes with it. So sharing this is not only hard and yet freeing but super brave. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much xx
You are very brave to be able to share your story with others. Such a beautiful way of supporting others going through the same. Hugs xx
Thank you so much xx
This is beautiful, sorry to have missed the programme but what an incredible thing you’ve done. #KCACOLS
Thank you Sarah xx
Oh Laura, every time I read your blog it brings a lump to my throat. And what a lovely photo to end on x #kcacols
Thank you so much much Carol xx
Your posts are always so beautifully raw and emotional, and very heartfelt. I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through back then, but I think it’s very courageous of you to raise awareness like this now x
Thank you so much Becca xx
Ahh Laura, I’m so proud to say I know of you! Well done on raising awareness… it’s still the elephant in the room to a lot of people.
Thank you so much Beth, that’s so kind xxx
So much love in this post. Your memory box looks beautiful, I think it’s important to have memories such as photos, hand- and foot prints, maybe clothing or a blanket the baby was dressed or wrapped in etc. It must help somewhat to have those tangible memories, to really feel (and be able to show others if you want to) that this was a real little person, who will always be part of your lives, even if the time of their physical presence was brief. Big hugs xx
Thank you Malin. It definitely helps to have those memories, they are the only tangible memories I have and as you say, they show that he was a real little person here in my arms. xx