It’s inevitable when the children start school, having got friendly with the other parents, that sooner or later someone is going to utter those magic words, “We should plan a Mum’s night out!”. And it’s also inevitable that twenty things are sure to happen……..
1. The night is booked three months in advance and discussed, with a daily countdown, via a WhatsApp group you’ve labelled ‘Mums Big Night Out’.
2. Never before have you planned your outfit with such military precision following extensive discussions in the WhatsApp group over what constitutes smart/casual, whether it’s too hot to wear Spanx, and several screen shots of outfits you’ve ordered, and returned.
3. When it comes to the night at least two of you will cry off with a poorly child, lack of babysitter, or simply through fear that all of this hysteria may result in alcohol poisoning.
4. You’ll meet at 6.30pm, when the pub is still completely empty, but it means you avoid having to deal with the kids bath time and bed, and it gives you way more time for drinking….
5. All talk of taking it easy goes out the window the moment someone mentions Cheeky Vimto’s……
6. By the second Cheeky Vimto the talk has taken a turn for the worst and all of a sudden you’re over sharing with birth stories, sexual history, and, the inevitable, slurring of how much you love each other. On repeat.
7. Before you know it you’re heckling the DJ for some “songs we can dance to!”, specifically hits from The Greatest Showman, Trolls, and Frozen.
8. You’ll all go into a panic thinking you’ve lost one of the Mum’s only to discover she’s been in the toilet for the last hour, chatting to another equally drunk Mum, and you’ll welcome her new friend Julie with open arms, compliment her on her outfit, and ask if she too knows all the words to The Greatest Showman.
9. At some point during the evening you’ll plan your next night out. Only it will be an entire weekend….in Vegas…..Hangover style. Unsurprisingly, this will never actually happen.
10. There will be photos, mainly selfies, and videos where, at the time, you thought you were busting dance moves like Beyonce but in reality you look like those women you swore you would never become when you were 18 and actually had moves like Beyonce.
11. At least one of you will reappear from the bar with a straw behind your ear, singing into your “microphone”, a la Britney Spears circa 1998.
12. By the end of the night you will each have a nickname, and a catchphrase, that later, when you use it in the WhatsApp group, there aren’t enough crying laughing emoji’s out there to stress just how funny this is.
13. You’ll drunkenly tell anyone who will listen your age, and how many kids you have, and high five anyone who seems surprised.
14. You will show at least one stranger in the pub photos of your children on your phone whilst gushing, “But aren’t they so sweeeeet..”.
15. Someone will dash to the local shop to buy a packet of cigarettes, despite the fact that none of you actually smoke.
16. The group will slowly get smaller without you even realising but the remaining three will make a pact to get a cab to the nearest club and “stay out till the death!”. Ten minutes later you’ll admit defeat when the barman boots you outside and, as the weight of 8 pints of Cheeky Vimto hits, you’ll be falling into a cab.
17. You’ll spend the next day dying, whilst repeatedly saying “I’m not hungover, I’m just tired!” as your husband mentally chalks up a free pass to get equally leathered on his next night out, and, when the kids clamber all over you, screeching at the top of their voices for a drink of Vimto, death will suddenly seem like a more appealing alternative.
18. There will be a blow by blow debrief in the WhatsApp chat with some serious OMG’s, embarrassed emojis, and endless discussions about the perfect hangover cure. Mcdonalds, every time.
19. You’ll spend the whole day glued to your phone, untagging yourself in photos and videos on Facebook. Particularly the ones where you’re rapping Do The Bartman, word for word.
20. Monday morning will result in you shuffling into the playground, flashbacks of your maniac-like tendencies coming back to haunt you, only to discover that one of the Mum’s is already planning the next night out and, even better, you’re still invited! Cheeky Vimto’s all round!!