For Lewis on your 21st Birthday….

Lewis,

Every year I sit here on your birthday wondering how another year has passed us by when I could swear you were just blowing out the candles on your last birthday cake. You should know by now that I find every one of your birthdays difficult, torn between wanting to shout from the rooftops just how proud I am to be your Mum whilst also wanting to cry hysterically that my baby boy has grown up so fast. But this year, at twenty one, I can barely even believe that it’s true and yet somehow here we are at yet another milestone and there’s no denying that the little boy who made me a Mama is officially all grown up. 

I was thinking last night how when you left high school your fellow classmates voted you as “Most likely to break hearts” and although we laughed about it at the time, it couldn’t have been further from the truth. From the moment you came into the world, just 15 months after we’d lost our first baby, you began to heal our heart in ways I can never explain.

When Joseph died 2 years later and I couldn’t see a way forward, you showed me that there was still so much love in this world and you forced me to survive. When your Dad and I split and I genuinely thought my heart might break in two, you loved me enough to piece it right back together and held my hand as we moved forward. When Gaz came into our lives when you were just 6 years old, you allowed me to share my heart with the both of you, and you gave him a piece of yours in return. And when Eva, Megan and Harry completed our family you never questioned that my heart would be big enough to share with all 5 of you and everything I know about being their Mum ultimately comes down to you. The truth is Lewis, you’ve been healing hearts from the moment those 2 lines showed up on that test and 21 years later my heart has never been so full.

It’s never easy watching the years fly by but twenty has been an amazing year for you and you have packed so much into twelve short months! You’ve completed your final year of your apprenticeship and in two months time you will be a fully qualified electrician. I still can’t get over the fact my baby boy has such a huge responsibility but you seem to know exactly what you’re doing and I have no doubt that the sky is the limit for you now.

Twenty has seen you celebrate another year with your lovely girlfriend Emily and the two of you are happier than ever. It’s crazy to think you were just sixteen when you became a couple but she really does bring out the best in you, and you her, and I can’t imagine a time that won’t be the case. I know neither of you are in a rush to grow up too fast but one day I like to think the two of you will get married because honestly, I’m not sure Eva and Megan will ever forgive you if you don’t!!

Twenty saw you head off on another lads holiday to Tenerife where, for the second year running, I tracked you on your phone going from one bar to the next and impatiently waited for your calls where you’d reassure me you were still very much alive before you dashed off again to make the most of Happy Hour. As much as I feel that I age a decade each time you go away, I love that you are literally having the time of your life whilst you’re still young. When I see the photos pop up on Facebook, shared by another Mum whose son is a little better at communication than mine, it brings a lump to my throat to see you and your mates standing arm in arm, laughing hysterically, making the very best memories together….even the ones you can’t remember! For such a long time I worried you would spend your whole life missing having a brother so close in age and yet when I see you in those moments I know you have that same relationship with these boys ten times over. You are so lucky Lew, hold on to each of them so tightly.

Twenty saw you and Emily jet off to Turkey for the week where you’d send me blurry room tours that gave me motion sickness just watching them, and Amsterdam with your friends where you bombarded me with grotesque photos of mummified bodies from museums I’d never even heard of. You’ve spent weekends in the Lakes in luxury lodges we could never have afforded at your age, weeks in Wales celebrating yet another of your mates birthdays where there’d always be some kind of story I’d rather not hear but you’d tell me about anyway. In between there have been countless nights out where you’d stumble in drunk as the sun was coming up and be back out and on it by lunch time the same day. I honestly don’t know how you do it!

And twenty saw you grace me with your presence for a day in Manchester where you forced me to down cans of gin walking down the street like some kind of wayward and plied me with cocktails in crowded bars. I took you to watch Peter Kay for the first time and you said “Garlic bread” on repeat to the point I wanted to launch you off the balcony, but we laughed so much that our sides hurt and I was so happy to be spending quality time with you, even if you fell asleep on the train ride home.

Amongst each of the happier moments, twenty also saw the sad loss of your Great Grandma who you have loved and adored since the moment you came into this world. As a baby she would take care of you when I had to dash off to an appointment, as a child you would love nothing more than going to visit her after school to have a glass of milk sat on the “slippy chair”, and just a few weeks ago you visited her at the care home to say your final goodbyes as she asked, “Is he soft?” with a twinkle in her eye. She loved you so much Lew and would have loved that you and Grandad carried her coffin on her final journey – two of her favourite ever people saying their final goodbyes.

You have always been an amazing grandson but over the last year you’ve really stepped up and the way you look out for Nanna and Grandad since Uncle Stuart died is so special. Every Monday without fail you’ll go over there for your tea and, as Nanna plies you with enough food to feed a small army, you regale them with stories about your day and I know it means so much to them. As your life becomes busier and your work leads you far and wide, I hope you’ll always have time for your family and remember that at the end of the day, the people you love are all that really matter.

And as always, and above all, twenty saw you be the best big brother to six of the luckiest kids going – our three here, two at your dads and Joseph in your heart. I love seeing how close you and Harry are as you secretly whisper to him that he is your favourite, how much you love to wind up Megs even if you don’t always know when to stop, and how you and Eva play fight at any given moment despite the fact she is fast getting stronger. They love you so much Lewis and I hope you will always be as close as you are right now.

And as for me, I am so proud of you Lew and it has been an absolute honour to be your Mum for all of these years. You are the most loving, craziest, laid-back wind up merchant possible and although every year I think maybe this is the moment when you’ll finally become more sensible, you come at me with another of your hare brained ideas and remind me that you are destined to always be young at heart. Please don’t ever change.

Happy 21st Birthday Lewis Robert.

We love you all the stars in the sky.

Mum

xxx