Parenting After Loss: Why Mother’s Day Will Always Be Tough
I cried in the supermarket yesterday, looking at Mothers Day cards and pastel bouquets, reading the words ‘Mummy’ printed across coffee mugs and chocolate boxes. I stood there, blinking back angry tears and a lump in my throat, as it hit me that another Mother’s Day has come around without my child.
Years ago, before I became a Mummy, I imagined how perfect our Mother’s Day’s would be. I dreamt of chubby hands surprising me with my favourite flowers, a splodgy hand painted card brought home from nursery, a Sunday lunch in the local pub, my heart bursting with happiness at how lucky I was to be a Mummy at last.
And for two years I had just that.
I will never forget my first Mother’s Day, the fuss that was made, the presents I was showered with, a one year old Lewis held in my arms, pinching myself that everything I had ever wanted was right there in front of me.
The following year was so special for me with a two year old Lewis, and Joseph kicking away in my belly, all of my hopes and dreams right there about to unfold. Little did I know that it would be the last special occasion I would celebrate with all of my children; little did I know about the pain that would follow which would mar my future Mother’s Day’s, for always.
And I think it is this which I struggle with the most, the fact that not only did my child die and we lose the life we had hoped and planned for, but that in all of these moments going forward, which I have waited my whole lifetime to enjoy, they will forever be tainted with sadness now that Joseph isn’t here.
And that feels so desperately unfair.
I am sad that on Mothers Day, when my four healthy children, my beautiful little rainbows, hand over their cards which they have worked so hard on at school, when they throw their arms around my neck and shower me with kisses, when they snuggle into my chest and tell me how much they love me, it will never be enough.
I am angry that this Sunday, when we sit around our breakfast table together, all four of the children looking at me through eyes filled with love and admiration, completely unaware of how difficult it is for me to make it through the day, I will be thinking of the one who isn’t there.
I feel guilty that on a day so many will never experience, when so many others live with empty arms and broken hearts, despite the fact I have four children right here beside me, my heart will still be breaking.
Because as grateful as I am that they are mine, and as thankful as I am to have been given the chance to go on to have more children, I will always be thinking about that missing card, that missing face, that missing piece of our jigsaw whose loss feels even greater on the special days we spend together.
And there is nothing wrong with admitting that.
Everywhere you look, and everything we read, we are told that in the face of adversity we should find strength and determination, that with every hardship we should find happiness and positivity, that with every loss and every heartbreak we should be grateful and joyous for the things we do have, no matter what the circumstances.
And yet some days, like today, I don’t want to focus on the positives. Some days I don’t want to hear how lucky I am to have gone on to have more children. Some days I don’t want to be reminded how grateful I should be that my children are happy and healthy and safe in my arms. Some days I just want to wallow in the fact that my boy isn’t here, to explode with rage that all of our lovely moments have been overrun with heartache, that whilst there is four, there should have been five. Some days I just want others to appreciate that you can be grateful for the children you do have whilst still desperately wanting the one you don’t.
You see the truth is, Mothers Day can be tough for all of us – those without their children, and those without their Mothers – and even those with surviving children in their arms, or Mother figures in their lives, are entitled to feel sad on a day which celebrates the relationship between a Mother and her child. This Sunday, as I take Joseph Spring flowers to lay at his grave, just know that it won’t hurt any less because I have four children waiting for me back at home. This Sunday, as I read my cards from the children, know that I won’t miss Joseph any less because there are four names staring back at me. This Sunday, as I hold my children close to my chest and feel grateful for all that I have, know that I won’t feel any less cheated that my boy is not here because my arms are still so very full.
So this Mothers Day I want to send my love to all of you missing a child. I want to tell you that it is completely normal to admit that you find the day hard, that you feel angry and bitter and desperately sad for all of those stolen moments. It is perfectly okay, even with healthy children in your arms, if you still struggle to see the positives, to feel whole, to raise a smile, to accept that this is the hand you have been dealt. This Mothers Day I want to tell you that there is nobody more deserving than a Mummy who had to give one back, and my thoughts will be with you on Sunday, and always.
Thank you for your honesty, transparency and for sharing your story. You have a beautiful family and your little looks down and is blessed. You are a strong Mama!
This brought tears to my eyes, it’s how I feel too. My first little boy Leo died and I’ve felt lost ever since and not only did we lose our little boy but we lost out future and every day that should be happy is marked with sadness. 13 months after we lost Leo we had another little boy whom is so wonderful he fill my days with joy!. 18 months after having our rainbow we lost twin boys Owen and Milo and the hole in our lives got deeper.
Mothers day is tough for us too. X
I’m not missing a child this Mother’s Day. But I’m missing my mum. It’s a difficult day as my children want to spoil me, yet everywhere I look I’m reminded that my mum isn’t around anymore. It’s hard.
What love you got there for your child. Thank you for sharing your mind as I felt the emotions really in here.=(
Thank you for this honest essay spoken from a mother’s heart. Of course this will never be easy but there eventually will be light.
I totally understand how you are feeling and the emotions huge hugs it is times like this that seem to highlight a missing child x
I can only imagine how you are feeling. Mother’s Day can be bitter sweet for many.
My daughter in law had a very late miscarriage. Although she now has two lovely healthy children she still misses the one who should have been her first born. I also lost my first grandchild. Sending you a cyber hug.
Beautifully written as always Laura. I think this culture of ‘stay positive’ and ‘be strong’ can be damaging. We need to feel negative emotions too. If we bottle it all up we will combust. I think Mother’s Day is such a difficult one for so many people. xxx
Thank you for writing such an honest and emotional post. I can’t imagine how hard the day must be for you.
sending you a virtual hug! thank you for sharing your genuine thoughts and I wish you and your family the best!
Sending you lots of love my beautiful friend today, tomorrow, Mother’s Day and everyday. Because I know that every day hurts, some more than others. I hope those rainbows of yours manage to make you smile, while your thoughts are else where xxx
Beautifully expressed as always. Mother’s Day can be tough for so many of us, some having lost their own Mum’s, some having lost children. Sending huge hugs you way x
Oh my goodness, this made me cry. My heart aches for your loss. I too have experienced a loss, but i’m not open to talking about it. You’re amazing. Stay strong.
Thanks for sharing your raw thoughts with us, you are stronger and braver than you think. Keep hanging in there. You have a beautiful family xx
I can not even begin to imagine how tough the mother’s day is for you and thanks for your honesty in sharing such a tough topic
Thank your for sharing us your vulnerable side, and truly appreciate your no BS honesty. Motherhood is tough, I’ve seen it from my Mother, and yet she said she is the happiest.
I can only imagine how Mother’s Day must feel for those who have lost…beautiful heartfelt post as ever Laura sending big hugs to you xx
Sorry you had to go through so much hardship dealing with a loss, it’s never easy! I know you must really be thankful/appreciative for the family you have now that swallow you with love and hugs. Your boy you lost will always be with you, and he’s smiling and happy to see you as a wonderful mother to his siblings here on earth. You are a strong loving mother and I wish you the best!
You are an amazing woman. And it’s great the love you still hold for the child you lost. I realize it’s hard on your kids to not see why. I don’t know whether this would help but with my ex, she involved my daughter in celebrating the life of her brother when he died of cancer. My daughter was only one month old when she lost her uncle. I think it’s helped for her feeling closer to her uncle in a way she wouldn’t have been otherwise. Maybe having your kids walk with you on this would help them and you celebrate the child you lost, and make it more positive. I don’t know. You have done such an amazing job and you can see it in the love of your children’s faces. They are reflecting your love back to you. I can’t even fully understand the depths of your pain. I just want to say how inspiring you are to me and others with how you have dealt with your loss and been able to thrive despite it.
What heartfelt words, I’m sure you’re speaking for a lots of lots of women who don’t know where to put all those feels and what to do with them – they must feel lonely too on the top of the grief. They should all read this, so that they know that they are not alone.
Not many people understand the true hurt until them themselves have felt the pain. Lovely write up, honest and emotional to read. Sending warm wishes xxxx
I hadn’t considered the pain of mother’s day from this perspective. Thank you for your honesty and emotion and education. Big hug xx
Thank you for sharing and I can only imagine how you must feel but I’m sure that my sharing your feelings and experience you are also helping other Mother’s who may be feeling the same way. Sometimes we just need someone else who is experiencing the same thing to tell us that it’s alright to feel that way.
BIG TEDDY BEAR HUGS! I’m so truly sorry for your loss, reading this i could only feel the immense burden of this tragedy in your life & wish so much that you could have the one you lost back in your life.
I hope Mother;s Day was kind to you
I can relate some are empty handed too. Let’s just be happy and grateful for what we have and enjoy every moment with them.
What a beautiful heartfelt piece of writing. That really did move me to tears and I am so so sorry for your loss. No one should ever have to lose a child. You are one brave lady. I had 3 early miscarriages and lost 4 babies in total, so I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child of 2 years old. Whether some days you feel ok, happy, sad or angry, feel what you need to feel, that is your right. x