Helping Your High Schooler Make Friends at School
Learning how to make and maintain strong friendships is a crucial part of any adolescent’s development, but it will not come easily or naturally to every teen. For every popular, charismatic teen who seems to be the life of the party, you’re sure to find one who’s withdrawn in social situations much of the time. Some of this difference comes down to personality, some to culture, and some to the immediate social environment in which they find themselves, to name just a few factors.
Teens attending a high school in Singapore for international students, for example, have numerous opportunities to interact with many different people, and will thus have many chances to work on their socializing. Some teens may embrace these opportunities, forming multiple close friendships and friendly relationships with their peers. Conversely, some may feel daunted and overwhelmed and subsequently struggle to establish meaningful connections.
If your child has a hard time connecting with others, impress upon them that these difficulties are common and that there’s nothing “wrong” with them. Making friends is, at its core, a process of learning and honing particular skills. As with any new skills, getting better at friendship takes time, patience, and practice—and a little guidance when necessary. Luckily, as a parent, you’re well-positioned to help your teen along. Try a few of the helpful tips below to get started.
Practice Conversation with Them
Light, casual conversation can open the door to making meaningful friendships, but it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Teens who are shier or more reserved may struggle to figure out what to say and end up not saying anything at all. Practice making small talk with your teen about simple topics like homework, hobbies, favorite music and media, and the like. Encourage them to listen as much as they talk, and show them how asking thoughtful questions conveys interest and facilitates connection.
Get Them Comfortable with Conflict
Your teen may be afraid that fights and arguments will spell the end of their friendships. Help them understand that this is not the case by discussing ways to manage interpersonal conflict healthily. Talk about what it means to “fight fair,” and let them know that they can and should graciously step away from arguments to cool off if they feel the need to. Lastly, stress that conflict is not only normal but also sometimes necessary, as it often offers opportunities to grow and strengthen relationships.
Encourage Them to Join a Club
Clubs and organizations bring together people with shared interests or a common purpose, which are always promising starting points for meaningful friendships. Urge your teen to look into co-curricular activities or group activities that align with their interests, whether these are school clubs or community groups. Do not, however, sign your child up for any activity without their permission, or force them to participate. Letting them choose and explore these pursuits at their own pace will better set them up for success later.
Express Your Opinions Mindfully
They might not express as much to you, but your teen values your opinions of them and the people they associate with. Because of this, they may find unsolicited criticisms of their friends and acquaintances as personally hurtful, which leads in turn to unproductive conversation all around.
At every turn, be thoughtful about how you talk about your child’s friends with them. Hold off on expressing personal judgements and opinions if they haven’t been asked for. Instead, try asking your teen what they like about hanging out with certain people, and show genuine interest in their responses.
If you notice your teen is being mistreated by someone they consider a friend, you should by all means bring it up in a constructive way. You might observe that you notice a friend of theirs interrupts them in conversation a lot, for example, rather than simply calling that friend stuck-up or disrespectful. When you point out the specific problematic behavior rather than making broad judgments, you’re laying the groundwork for a much healthier and more productive discussion.
Organize Structured Bonding Activities
Teenagers who feel awkward and unsure in social situations may find the organic, unstructured nature of casual hangouts stressful. These teens may benefit from opportunities to socialize and bond with friends in a slightly more organized way, with concrete activities to focus on. You might take your teen and their friend to watch something together, like a play, a movie, or a sporting event, for example, or plan a trip to a zoo or museum. Having something else to focus on will give them plenty to talk about while eliminating the pressure to keep up a constant one-on-one conversation.
As the kids get more comfortable with one another, gradually reduce the amount of structure and supervision you bring to their get-togethers. If they enjoy going to the theatre together, for instance, you might suggest they go out for lunch or to the mall next. From there, you can also encourage them to hang out for longer periods of time.
Even if getting there won’t be without its challenges, having a close circle of friends will fortify your teenager’s self-esteem and nurture their overall sense of well-being. Moreover, learning to relate healthily with others in a variety of social situations is an essential skill that will serve them well at any age. With your help, your teen will be more than capable of overcoming their interpersonal difficulties and they will be making the kinds of friends that will stand by them for a lifetime.
