As many of you know, our journey to parenthood hasn’t been easy and over the last eighteen years we have been through more than our fair share of heartache. Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a Mother and naively assumed that when the time was right, it would happen very naturally for my husband and I. Like 1 in 7 couples, we soon discovered that this was not to be the case and over the course of the last eighteen years went on to experience infertility and, subsequently, baby loss. Although we were fortunate to have support from a handful of family and friends, our experiences during the worst times of our lives were made even harder due to the actions of others – the comments made, the phrases used, and the ignorance surrounding infertility and baby loss as a whole.

This week is National Fertility Awareness Week in the UK and also marks the launch of the Language of Fertility, a campaign devised by the fertility clinic IVI London and supported by five women who bravely and openly share their own fertility stories with their thousands of followers on social media. 

IVI London, alongside medical professionals and those who have experienced infertility and baby loss on a personal level, put out a call on social media and hundreds of women responded by sharing their own stories and examples of times when what was said, or how it was said, has inflicted pain. From comments about their BMI or being too old,  unsolicited advice from family and friends to “just relax” or belittling their experiences with “well at least…”, these women shared their stories and I felt every single word, knowing all too well that we had been there too, heard the same old lines, gritted our teeth at comments made from family and friends, and cried behind closed doors just moments later.

As is the case when we were personally living through it, these women spoke of how the language used to describe infertility and baby loss is very much surrounding that of “failure”. A failure to get pregnant, a failed cycle of IVF, a blighted ovum, a failed pregnancy – all of which add to the shame and the stigma for those of us experiencing these issues. Countless times during our infertility journey my ex husband and I were asked, even by medical professionals, “Which one of you is at fault?”. When experiencing yet another miscarriage, at a time our hearts were breaking in two, we were asked “Have they found out which one of you is to blame?”.

I know that for me, the use of this terminology played a large part in my feelings of shame and loneliness and my mental health was hugely affected with every miscarriage and every failed cycle. Recent research published in The Lancet suggests that miscarriage doubles the risk of depression and quadruples the risk of suicide, and although this saddens me, it absolutely does not surprise me. Even now I experience a huge level of PTSD from our miscarriages and the stillbirth of our son with research showing that one in six live with this long-term after experiencing the same.

IVI London want to change the way that fertility and assisted reproduction is talked about in the UK – by medical experts, by the media, and by society. They want to make women feel empowered, not undermined, wherever they are on their own personal journeys. And they want to make them feel less alone, with the confidence to speak out, without fear of being judged or misunderstood. To do this we all need to play our part, those of us with stories to share, those of us willing to listen, and those of us open to change.

Make your pledge

Making a pledge to support this campaign is easy and IVI London have released three very concise ways in which you can change the use of your language regardless of your profession or role as a family member or friend. I would have loved to have this information to pass on to family and friends when we were undergoing fertility treatment in a bid to lessen our pain when hurtful terminology was used and I am hopeful that the Language of Fertility campaign will prevent more couples from experiencing that in the future.

Speaking out about our fertility journey and baby loss can be hard, I struggle with it massively at times knowing that, with the breakdown of my first marriage, our story is no longer just my story to tell, but whether we are shouting it from the rooftops, making changes to the language we use or the ways in which we support others, every single one of us can help to make a difference. Taking part in this campaign has reminded me that although we were fortunate enough to go on and have four healthy children, the pain we experienced is still valid and that is a huge comfort to me on a personal level. And as a blogger, as an advocate of baby loss awareness, and as a very grateful Mother, I pledge to continue sharing our story and supporting others, and I really hope you’ll join me.

You can find out more about the Language of Fertility campaign here.