For Joseph on your 18th Birthday…
Joseph,
In all the years I have sat down to write your birthday letter, this year is probably the hardest. It’s taken me the longest time to write it and if truth be told, I almost didn’t write it at all.
Eighteen.
A whole childhood without you, a whole lifetime I have never know, a whole world away from that little boy I held in my arms and prayed with every fibre of my being that by some miracle I’d get to take you home, see each milestone, watch you grow. Eighteen long years without you.
Turning eighteen is emotional enough at the best of times Joseph, I know when your brother turned eighteen I cried about it for days and yet with him there had been so much for us all to look back on. There had been hundreds and thousands of photos to scroll through, infinite stories and anecdotes and memories to share, a lifetime of memories to soften the blow that my baby boy was all grown up. But with you, my beautiful boy, there is nothing and how do I ever put into words how much that breaks my heart even after all of these years?
On the day we said our goodbyes I never once allowed myself to think this far ahead, I was simply surviving from one grief filled moment to the next. I couldn’t even imagine how I would get through the journey home let alone the following year and had someone asked me how I felt about the possibility of missing you eighteen years down the line I’d have told them it was impossible I would ever survive so long without you. And yet here I am.
18 birthdays, 18 Christmas’s, 18 Mother’s and Father’s Days, 18 Easter days and Summer holidays. 6574 days if we’re counting and dear god, we are. 6574 days I would have hugged you good morning, 6574 days I would have kissed you goodnight. 6574 days I would have said your name in throwaway conversation, screaming it up the stairs when it was time for tea, signing your name in a Christmas card, writing it in each of your shirts. I miss that so much, just saying your name out loud in every day moments, like when we were choosing your name and we’d try it out for size, Lewis and Joseph, Joseph and Lewis, it rolled off our lips so easily. I miss a time before my voice broke on the J, before a lump would rise in my throat, before I’d catch that fleeting look in the eyes of others as though perhaps they find it uncomfortable to hear even after all this time.
I miss you, I miss you.
This would have been such a big year for you Joseph, becoming an adult, leaving college, perhaps heading off to uni with the whole world at your feet. It is almost impossible to know who you would have been at this age and yet sometimes when I look at Lewis I can almost see you there beside him, heading off out to the pub, riding in the passenger seat of his car, laughing about some random video you’ve been sent on Snapchat. And as sad as I am for each of your milestones, it’s those every day moments when I miss you the most.
I could sit here and write a million words to describe the emotions I’ve experienced over the last eighteen years but mostly I just feel sad. Sad for Lewis who had you within his reach before you were cruelly snatched away. Sad for Eva, Megan and Harry who have had to endure such a huge loss from the moment they came into this world. Sad for your Dad and I who were still so young and naive when our whole world fell apart. And I’m sad for you Joseph, for missing out on this beautiful life and these wonderful people, on a family who have loved and adored you from day one and a whole world which was yours for the taking.
I’m sad that although you live forever in our hearts you won’t ever feel the warmth of our hugs. I’m sad that although we include you in each of our adventures, you won’t ever get to experience the sand beneath your feet. I’m sad that for all we continue to say your name out loud it sounds less and less from the mouths of others. And I’m sad that the very best I can hope for is that your Uncle Stuart found you up there and the two of you have found comfort in each other. I hope he told you about Lewis and his crazy antics, about Eva and her cutting-sarcasm, about Megan and her flamboyant personality, about Harry and his gentle kindness. I hope he told you that you have a wonderful family down here Joseph and you will be a part of it for always. I have to believe that is the case, I simply have to.
Eighteen years of searching for you in every sunset, writing your name on every beach, lighting a candle for you in every city. Eighteen years of loving and missing you, our beautiful boy who changed our lives forever.
Happy 18th birthday Joseph Allan, we love and miss you all the stars in the sky.
Mum
xxxx
