When parents split (and you’re not a kid)
Younger children and teenagers are understandably a big concern when couples split, but what about adult children? It can be easy to believe that young adults will be able to cope easily with the emotional fall out of a divorce but it can be distressing to see your parents’ divorce after decades together. Adult children can find it difficult to come to terms with such as fundamental change in their lives, even if they no longer live with you, have a life of their own somewhere else, or have children of their own.
How you can be supportive of your adult children when you get divorced
- Think about how you will put the news across to your children. Will you do it with siblings together? Or will it be better to talk to your children separately? Either way, it will work best if both you and your former spouse deliver the news together and speak with each other about what you will say.
- Although your adult children may seem to take the news of your divorce well, it can take some time to sink in. As you begin to change your living arrangements and make new plans for your life, the impact of what is happening can rise to the surface and they may begin questioning more about what happened to make your relationship break down. Be prepared by answering their questions as honestly as you can.
- Although honesty is important. Don’t be tempted to tell your children all the ins and outs of why you are divorcing. It may be impossible not to mention obvious and serious problems in your marriage like infidelity or domestic violence, but if your divorce is relatively mutual, don’t go into too much detail. This may make them feel obliged to get involved and, in some cases, it may be a precursor to them taking sides.
- When your adult children grow up, you may begin to view them in a different light and enjoy a good adult friendship. This can make it feel natural to lean on them for support and advice at a difficult stage in your life. Although you probably won’t realise it, doing this can put them under extra strain and obligation.
- Remember that you being married is all your adult children have known and now that you are divorcing, this could cast doubt on their own lives and relationships. They may wonder more about their childhood and whether you were happy together when they were younger. Reassure them by explaining that your situation is different and that just because you are going through a divorce, it doesn’t mean they will. Explain how they can use your experience to learn from to help them feel positive about their own future.
- Adult children still need the support and guidance of their parents. Although there is no need to communicate to each other about child maintenance, school timetables or holiday dates, there will be other significant events in their lives where you will need to come together again with your ex-spouse. This could be the birth of a grandchild, a wedding or other family event. Your adult child will probably want you both there, so it’s important to figure out how this will work to avoid awkward moments at important occasions.
- It’s also helpful to remember that your adult children will now need to divide their time between their divorced parents. So be prepared that it may not be possible to see them on every Christmas Day and holiday time as they will need to share some of these times with your former spouse.
Finally, putting yourself in the shoes of your adult children and communicating with them well about your divorce will stand you in good stead for future healthy relationships for all members of the family.
