The 3 Things To Never Say To Your Tween Girl!
That time between being an adolescent and a teenager is probably the most trying times in a girl’s life. They are hitting puberty and lots of hormones are raging. Not to mention that social issues crop up since they are not completely sure how to navigate a more complex life.
As a result, being a parent of a tween can feel like walking through a minefield. One wrong comment or even a lack of a comment can send them into a tailspin. Your job is to teach them life lessons but, sometimes it comes across all wrong.
It’s a trying time and can be made worse by an unaware parent. Understanding what they are going through is very helpful to make this transition as smooth as possible. To help you get through it together, I put this list together of the things you shouldn’t say to your tween.
1 – “Don’t be so sensitive!”
Unfortunately, a tween is in the midst of a period of very high sensitivity to a lot of things an adult with calmer hormones understands are no big deal. So, take that into consideration when you are talking to a tween about a situation that they don’t seem to be handling well.
It could be a remark somebody made that they didn’t like, or a gift that they felt was inappropriate or not a good fit for them. Cool gifts for teenage girls and even tweens should be bought with this perspective in mind so you get the right one and avoid a situation.
Instead of telling them that they are being oversensitive, say something else. “You seem upset. Can we talk about it when you feel ready?” will go a long way towards defusing a situation and helping your tween to understand you are on her side.
Telling them they are being sensitive is coming from a judgemental place and will make them pull away and not want to engage. Then the situation can end up getting worse as a result.
2 – Just calm down!
In the entire history of calming down, nobody ever calmed down after being told to just calm down. It simply doesn’t work and it is even less effective when dealing with a tween girl.
Yes, you want her to actually calm down, but you’ll need to take another tool from your toolbox to accomplish this. Telling somebody, anybody, to calm down comes across as dismissive. As if there is no reason for somebody to be upset.
Then the defense mechanism kicks in and it is difficult to turn the situation around. Even if you feel that they are overreacting, it isn’t helpful.
Not only that, but it encourages your child to stifle her feelings. It’s ok to be emotional and upset. Lashing out is normal as long as it is not destructive. Let her know that you understand that she needs to get it out. Don’t tell her that you understand what she is feeling as it is not what she wants to hear.
If your tween comes home from school, upset from some event, then give her some space before you ask what is wrong. If you give some space and time you may find that they end up calming themselves down and then you can calmly talk about things. Make sure you are actively listening to her and give her a chance to talk.
3 – How was your day?
No, I’m not joking. Even something as innocuous as asking how their day was is enough to set off the distrust factor. It comes across as robotic and not genuine. Yes, you want to know how her day was, but this is not a good conversation starter.
By asking how the day was, it makes it seem to her that you are simply going through the motions. And you’re setting yourself up for a one word answer that doesn’t tell you anything about their day.
Instead, don’t ask them anything. Simply tell them that you are happy to see them. That sets a tone of openness and sincerity. Then you can get a conversation going that is natural and organic.
If you know they had a test that day, ask them what the weirdest question on the test was to break the ice. Something that is engaging and allows them to express themselves in a way that is coming from a place of comfort and not out of feeling forced.
