How Parenthood Changes a Marriage (and How to Stay Connected)
Parenthood is easily one of the best parts of being married. Sure it also might be the hardest part too.
Adding a little one to your family changes everything. Especially your relationship.
Sleepless nights, shifting priorities, exhaustion, and arguing over who changed the last diaper… Your relationship takes a serious hit.
The good news? There are steps you can take to come out the other side stronger than ever.
Here’s what you’ll learn:
- How Having A Baby Changes Everything
- Why Couples That Prep For Parenthood Usually Come Out Ahead
- The 4 Main Obstacles All New Parents Face (+ How To Overcome Them)
- Concrete Ways To Keep Your Connection Strong With Your Partner
How Having A Baby Changes Everything
The moment you become parents your world is turned upside down. You’re absolutely elated. But you’re also sleep deprived, overwhelmed and riding an emotional roller coaster.
It’s not that most couples aren’t expecting change… They just don’t realise just how much their relationship will change when a baby enters the picture.
Spouses used to spending nights out with friends or having the freedom to come and go suddenly find themselves feeding and changing the same baby every two hours. It’s no secret why new parenthood is so tough on relationships.
According to research from The Gottman Institute, approximately two-thirds of couples experience a significant decrease in relationship satisfaction in the first three years after having a baby. Yikes!
But wait… There’s more.
The researchers also found that couples who didn’t experience that decline had a few things in common:
They had a strong friendship, healthy communication skills and they approached the challenges of raising a newborn together.
Parenting doesn’t magically put you on the same page. A strong relationship has to be there before the baby is even conceived. That’s why so many couples are turning to premarital counseling.
Taking the time to work with the best marriage counselors before saying “I do” equips couples with a knowledge of how to communicate and resolve conflict in a way that will protect their relationship for years to come.
Why Couples That Prep For Parenthood Usually Come Out Ahead
When you think about premarital counseling what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
For most couples, it’s the wedding. But the benefits of working with a counselor pre-marriage go WAY beyond the wedding day.
Preparing for one of life’s most stressful changes (helloooo parenthood!) is exactly why couple’s counseling is so important.
Research has shown that couples who undertook premarital counseling were 31% less likely to divorce than those who didn’t!
Why is it so effective?
Because premarital counseling teaches you how to:
- Communicate with your partner (non-defensively)
- Fight effectively (all couples fight)
- Have realistic expectations about marriage and parenthood
When you know how to argue productively and why you fight in the first place… Having a baby doesn’t stand a chance of ruining your relationship.
Sounds crazy?
Think about how much time and effort goes into planning a wedding. Now think about how much gets put into preparing for the marriage. It’s common for couples to skip prep entirely.
Premarital counseling changes that.
The 4 Main Obstacles All New Parents Face (+ How To Overcome Them)
OK so let’s get into the nitty gritty of why parenthood is so difficult.
There are some pretty obvious obstacles that come up again and again for new parents.
Sleep deprivation. Arguably the biggest obstacle of them all. Lack of sleep makes everyone a little crazy. Couples who don’t get enough sleep stop communicating. They argue over things that wouldn’t normally matter. Nothing makes sense.
Division of labour. Suddenly one person is doing way more than the other. Whether it’s getting up with the baby at night or doing the household chores. Big time resentment builds when things are uneven.
Loss of intimacy. Spending less time together isn’t the only issue. Couples who had an active relationship before baby start to slack when it comes to keeping their connection strong. Date nights and conversation become things of the past.
Loss of Identity. Overnight you go from being husband and wife to Mum and Dad. It’s common for couples to lose touch with who they were as individuals. When that happens they begin to lose touch with each other.
There’s no denying that these obstacles are hard. But they aren’t impossible to overcome if you know what to do.
Concrete Ways To Keep Your Connection Strong With Your Partner
Alright, speed round. The baby is here. Things are feeling hectic. Now what?
For couples looking for ways to stay connected even after the baby arrives, keep reading.
Communication is Key
This cannot be stressed enough. The relationship wasn’t great before the baby and probably isn’t great after. Communication is the number one thing that changes.
Make sure you and your partner actually talk to each other. About how you’re feeling. About what you need. About everything but the baby.
Divide And Conquer
Again, you want to avoid resentment at all costs. Take an hour every week to sit down and divide up tasks.
Does that look like 50/50? Great! Does it mean one partner takes on more but the other cleans after the baby learns how to crawl? That works too.
Dividing up the workload however works best as a team.
Keep Date Night Alive
This may sound cliché but even 30 minutes a week of alone time will do wonders for your relationship.
Ask For Help
If you need help… Ask for it. One of the biggest mistakes new parents make is thinking they should be able to handle everything on their own.
You don’t. Ask your parents for help. Ask friends. Join a new parents group. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling either.
Couples that communicated and asked for help early were the ones that made it.
Wrapping It All Up
Becoming parents changes your relationship. But that doesn’t mean you have to let it ruin your marriage.
Couples that put in the work BEFORE the baby comes win the game. They work with marriage counselors to learn how to communicate, argue, and stay connected when life gets hard.
They know that parenting a newborn is difficult. They know they will be sleep deprived and crazy. But they also know how to navigate those challenges without tearing each other down.
Here’s your new game plan:
- Having a baby drains the happiness out of most marriages
- The biggest issues are lack of sleep, identity loss and arguing over petty stuff
- Premarital counseling helps couples learn how to communicate through the toughest of times
- Staying connected takes communication and commitment from both partners
Parenthood will challenge you. But it will also be the best thing you ever do as a husband and wife team.
Do it scared.
