Bye bye baby

I’m sure that I just had a baby.

It’s as clear as day in my mind, the labour, the birth, those long weeks sat in neonatal willing him to get better. It feels just like yesterday when we carried him out of the hospital, drove 10mph all the way home, introduced him to his brother and sisters, watched as the girls stood up on their tip toes at the side of the cot. It’s like no time at all has passed since he was nestled in the crook of my arm, dressed in his tiny babygros, as we marvelled at his perfect fingers and toes, his eyelashes, the windy little pouts and adorable cooing noises. I’m sure that it was just a couple of months ago, six months at tops, and yet somehow, in the blink of an eye, my gorgeous little newborn is eighteen months old and there is very little “baby” left in him.

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It’s hard to remember exactly when he stopped being a baby and became a little boy. Perhaps when he began to walk, to babble away, to become so fiercely independent and discovered a love of climbing. Perhaps when I found myself surprised when his long spindly legs no longer squished into his tiny babygros, when his toes hit the end of his cruisers and I could no longer fasten him into his baby car seat. Perhaps when I stopped counting his age in weeks, or even in months, and just told people, “He’s one” or even worse, “He’ll be two in May!”. Perhaps when I noticed myself going gooey eyed over other babies, when my ovaries twinged and my arms ached to hold my tiny little newborn again.

“Be nice to Harry, he’s just a baby!”, I repeatedly tell the girls when they are playing too rough. “It was only an accident, he’s just a baby!” I explain at least ten times a day when he has launched a toy in their face or plonked himself down on their head. “Ssshh, Harry needs to sleep, he’s just a baby!” I tell them as he gets ready for his afternoon nap, a nap which he no longer goes down for so readily. But he’s not a baby anymore, not really. Technically he is a fully fledged toddler. And worse than that, it’s not just that he isn’t a baby anymore, it’s the realisation that there are no more babies full stop!!!

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And I thought that I was okay with that, I really did. When we agreed for Gaz to have a vasectomy there wasn’t a single part of me that questioned whether we were making the right decision. I drove him there with a look of sadistic pleasure on my face, laughed myself stupid when he hobbled out of there like John Wayne and with every moan, groan or whinge I would shoot him down with, “I gave birth five times!”. And I was fine with it. Really, I was.

But the older my baby gets, the older they all get, I do feel quite sad to think that this is it. I’ve had a baby for three consecutive years and to realise that there will never be another suddenly feels very final. Never again will I feel those gentle little flutters in the pit of my stomach, those brutal kicks in the ribs, the rolls and the turns as they struggle for space in those final weeks. Never again will we debate over baby names, hours spent pouring over the “1001 baby names” book, drawing up lists and agonising over whether the baby will suit their name. Never again will I experience a labour, the agonising pain of each contraction nor the indescribable feeling of joy as they are placed in my arms. Never again will I take home my tiny little newborn, change a gazillion explosive nappies, endure sleepless nights and spend hours patting their back just praying for that elusive burp. Never again will I look down on that perfect little baby, breathe in the scent of their head, hold my little finger in their tiny fist and marvel at what I created.

What I will have, and what I do have, is four healthy children. Children who, although admittedly no longer babies, are growing into the most amazing, intelligent, beautiful individuals and reminding me every single day why I persevered with my dream to extend our family. And although it is sad to see how fast they have grown and to accept that the baby days are over, with every new word that Harry says or every funny little thing that he mimics from his siblings, he makes us happier than we could ever have thought possible. They all do.

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And today when I was feeling sad at hitting 18 wonderful months, I realised that actually I’m not sad at the fact that there are no more babies, although admittedly I shall be eternally broody, I’m just sad that mine are no longer babies. Everyone tells you, “They don’t stay babies for long” and there has never been a truer word spoken. You can try your hardest to keep them small, you can keep them in their cot, in their little white babygros, refuse to give up the bottle, the breast, their dummy. You can baby them as much as you like and yet the fact remains that one day you will look at them and realise that whether you like it or not, they are walking, talking, packing their bags and leaving home. It’s the hardest job in the world letting go of your children and it starts right here as young as this, letting go of the fact that in the blink of an eye our babies aren’t even babies at all.

 

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And my only real consolation is that hopefully, in a long, LONG time from now, I shall be surrounded by Grandchildren, by newborns, toddlers and children….and by my own babies, who regardless of how old they are, will still ALWAYS be my babies to me.

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42 Comments

  1. November 28, 2015 / 2:24 pm

    It does happen very quickly, doesn’t it? Every once in a while my wife will see a little baby and give me a certain look. I need to reminder that I took care of that temptation already and it’s not happening

    • November 28, 2015 / 2:32 pm

      Haha the look!! Yes my husband saw that look far too many times! If money were no object I’d still have ten of them!!! 😉

  2. November 28, 2015 / 10:23 pm

    This is such a lovely, heartfelt post… My daughter recently hit 16 months, and when she occasionally falls asleep on my shoulder, I can’t help but remember when she would be there as a newborn, her feet barely touching my stomach! Now they are dangling near my thighs!! It feels like you blink and so much wonderful time has passed… #coolmumclub

    • November 28, 2015 / 10:52 pm

      Thank you! 💙 oh 16 months, cling on to these baby days!!! I remember the days my son fit in just one hand, now I struggle to contain him in both arms. If only there was a pause button, time goes way too fast when you’re a mummy!!! Thanks for reading! 😘xx

  3. The Anxious Dragon
    November 29, 2015 / 11:17 am

    The time flies by so quickly. Mine are not even children any more, and yet in a hearbeat I can be taken back to the time when I first saw each of them and their cute little old man scewed up faces.
    Thank you for sharing with us, Tracey xx #abitofeverything xx

    • November 29, 2015 / 11:19 am

      Ahh yes, there’s no forgetting those first precious moments. I expect that will be the same whether they are 5 or 50! Still our babies. ❤️ Thanks for hosting xxx

  4. November 30, 2015 / 11:20 am

    Ah this is so lovely it made me feel all tingling reading this – it is amazing how time flies isn’t it! And so on to the next adventure. Thanks so much for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

    • November 30, 2015 / 11:26 am

      Thank you! Yes, onwards and upwards….literally. He just will not stop climbing!!! 😂 Thanks for the link up! Xx

  5. November 30, 2015 / 1:45 pm

    aww this must be such a strange feeling. I have only 1 and we are thinking of another soon so I will probably have those pangs after. My girlie is 2 now and I quite like her being the age she is as she is fab company. It will be strange to have a newborn again if we are lucky! I hope your 4 continue to grow to become amazing young people and you get your grand children…eventually!! Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst and see you soon x

    • November 30, 2015 / 1:48 pm

      Ahh see, you have it all to come again which I always think softens the blow as they grow! When the last baby EVER is no longer a baby it just seems so final! I totally get why some people have 20 kids!! 😂 Thanks for hosting! Xx

  6. December 3, 2015 / 8:37 pm

    They grow up just hat to quickly don’t they! I’m sure my 2 year old grew up over night. Thanks for linking up with #justanotherlinky xx

    • December 3, 2015 / 8:44 pm

      Far too quickly 🙁 Two suddenly seems to be approaching way too fast!!!! Agghhhh!!! xx

  7. January 12, 2016 / 11:25 pm

    They grow up so painfully fast don’t they! My youngest {and final} child turns three in two weeks and I truly dont know where the last {almost} 3yrs have gone! Thanks so much for linking up with the Mad Mid Week Blog Hop. I hope to see you again tomorrow! #MMWBH

    • January 13, 2016 / 10:33 am

      Far too fast! And I think knowing that there won’t ever be another baby is a really hard thing to accept. I’m just looking forward to the grandchildren, ha!! Thanks for hosting! xxx

  8. newmummyblogcom
    February 22, 2016 / 9:46 pm

    Ahhhhh what cute photos! I must say, your post resonates so strongly with me: H is 15 months this weekend, and I really can’t believe it. Seeing your pictures of what 18 months looks like, makes me see how much she’ll change in the next few months, how I need to savour every moment. I hope you’re ok and enjoy every minute of your little ones x
    Thanks for sharing #TheBabyFormula

  9. VaiChin
    April 25, 2016 / 5:12 pm

    They really do grow up so quickly, don’t they? Wish time could stand still for that one little moment…

    • April 25, 2016 / 5:12 pm

      Oh me too. He will be two next month and I can’t believe where that time has gone….😢

  10. Alina
    April 25, 2016 / 5:42 pm

    Such a sweet sense of motherhood. My mum says the same about being babies no matter what. It’s great that you have so many memories and the best thing about it is that you’ll never forget the baby years 🙂 To that next stage in life x

    Alina | interiors home blogger UK

    • April 25, 2016 / 6:02 pm

      Yes, that’s so true. Bring on the terrible twos!!! 😬xx

  11. April 25, 2016 / 7:46 pm

    It’s true they grow up to fast, my little man is 2 1/2 now, I miss the little baby cuddles and feeding him his bottle! I agree totally no matter their age they’ll always be your baby X

    • April 26, 2016 / 9:19 am

      They will, and boys I find are much more dependent than girls. My eldest still loves a cuddle and needs me in a way that my daughters never do these days. Xx

  12. April 25, 2016 / 7:48 pm

    What an adorable little man! I know what you mean, time does fly doesn’t it? I can still remember the day we brought T home from the hospital too 🙂 Happy days! xx

    • April 26, 2016 / 9:18 am

      Yes! I feel like it’s only a few months ago since I gave birth!! Saying that, I feel the sAme way about my eldest and he was 12 last week!! Xx

  13. April 25, 2016 / 8:08 pm

    What a beautiful post, he is adorable. I can so relate to this as my youngest is 20 months and I keep thinking of him a a baby but he not baby like at all. He will also be my last baby and I too often feel broody but know my family is now complete xx

    • April 26, 2016 / 9:16 am

      I think once they hit two then they really aren’t a baby at all are they? Harry will be two next month and I keep telling myself that I will finally see him as a little boy, but in all honesty I think we will always see him as the baby of the family!! Xx

  14. April 25, 2016 / 8:40 pm

    As I don’t yet have kids I can only imagine what you’re feeling but you have a very beautiful baby boy 😊

  15. April 25, 2016 / 11:11 pm

    Aw this is beautiful hun, I am so glad that you have your kids to keep you afloat. It is sad though when you feel like you are at the end of an era x

    • April 26, 2016 / 9:09 am

      Thank you. Harry is growing to be such a character, even though I miss the newborn days, the toddler days are way more fun!! Xx

  16. April 26, 2016 / 8:13 am

    Sebby is my last and turns three in June. He will always be my baby but I have only just accepted he is getting older and is now a little boy but I did make peace that my family is complete when he was born

    • April 26, 2016 / 9:08 am

      Aww I’m the same with Harry. I knew he was our last (in all honesty he was never part of the plan full stop!) and I’m okay with that, five children is enough for anyone, but I do wish that he wouldn’t grow so fast. He is two next month and such a little boy already, I think it’s time for me to accept that now!! Xx

  17. April 26, 2016 / 11:50 am

    Aw what an adorable post and those facial expressions are really quite something x

    • April 26, 2016 / 1:59 pm

      Haha he is hilarious isn’t he? Thanks for reading. xx

  18. April 27, 2016 / 1:18 pm

    Heh. I still refer to my girls as ‘the babies’ even though they’re nearly 4 and 5! They correct me. “We’re big girls, Daddy!”. That’s me told…..

    • April 27, 2016 / 4:48 pm

      Aww yes my four year old says the same! I still see my 12 year old as a baby….he hates that!!! Xx

    • April 28, 2016 / 11:43 am

      Eek junior school! My eldest daughter starts primary school in September and I am having a real wobble about that, she too is just a baby!!! xx

  19. April 28, 2016 / 6:17 am

    My little girl is almost 18 months and my hubby likes to remind me no longer a baby, she still loves to cuddle up and go asleep on me at the moment and i savor every moment. Time does pass way to quick.

    • April 28, 2016 / 11:43 am

      Aww they are still babies to us though, at almost two I still see Harry as the baby, I probably always will!! xx

  20. April 28, 2016 / 11:11 am

    He is such a beautiful boy, how blessed you are! I remember that moment when I suddenly realised my boy was a baby no more and was far too independent for my liking. He’s now three and is my little shadow and as you say, no matter how old our children get they will always be our babies.

    • April 28, 2016 / 11:42 am

      Yes! It feels like all of a sudden we are redundant! Harry is very much a mummys boy in some ways, even at twelve so is my eldest. I find boys need us for much longer than the girls do! Thanks for reading. xx

  21. Michelle Murray
    May 2, 2016 / 5:31 pm

    I know this feeling too well. My baby has just turned 3. 3? How and when did that happen? They do grow so fast. treasure every moment

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