For Joseph, on a regular Wedneday without you.

It goes without saying that I think of you every single day. There are days when I think of you and smile, days when I think of you and feel grateful for the short time that we had, and days like today when I think of you and feel an aching pain in the centre of my chest.

And it isn’t because we are commemorating another anniversary, or a special occasion where I particularly feel your loss. Nor is it because the dusky scent of Autumn has taken me back to those wonderful days when you kicked inside my tummy, or a song on the radio provoked a memory in me so strong that it feels like we have gone back in time. But simply because it is just a regular Wednesday, an average September evening, just a moment in time when the beat of my heart whispers your name.

Joseph, Joseph.

For some days are just harder than others. For no apparent reason, no triggers, no special event or occasion. Just simply because of the fact that you are not here.

Today I sat in the park and I watched a little boy, older than you shall ever be, and he reminded me of you. I watched as he toddled around the swings, the slide, reaching his arms out to his Mama and giving her the biggest, most beaming of smiles. I gazed at him as his huge, soulful brown eyes took in the world around him, blinking in amazement at the bright colours, the characters, the wonders of life. I marvelled at the curl of his hair, the flush of colour in his chubby little cheeks and the sound of his laughter on the wind. And I could not take my eyes off him as he interacted with his siblings, as they ran circles around him, cried squeals of delight and showered him with kisses of adoration. And silent tears poured down my cheeks.

And sat there, taking in the scene, watching the little boy who looked exactly as I imagine you would have done at that age, it was impossible for me not to think of you as you would have been then, as you would have been now. I played the familiar game in my head, the morbid curiosity of asking myself, what would you be like now? How tall would you be? How different would our lives have been?

I remembered you, every inch of your being, every hair on your head, every perfect little piece of what made you special. And I missed you, I miss you, and all that you should have been.

And as the evening sun began to set and I stood to leave, I watched the little boy run over to his Mama, his arms outstretched and calling her name, and I scooped him up in my arms and planted kisses on his soft, warm neck. I held him tight in my arms and I thanked you, from the bottom of my heart, for sending him to us.

Your baby brother, Harrison Joseph. Our little piece of Heaven.

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35 Comments

  1. September 30, 2015 / 7:14 pm

    This made me emotional! Its so true and I wish that people grasped that sometimes its nothing you just miss you baby, your child and all of the things life should look like now but doesnt x

    • September 30, 2015 / 7:55 pm

      That’s exactly it. I still have people ask me, “Whats wrong?” and I feel like asking them where have they been for the last nine years? Havent they seen the heartache that we have experienced? Havent they noticed that every single day there is a great big gaping hole in our lives? Everything is wrong! Even when everything is right. Its just a very lonely place to be in some days, I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through such a loss. xxx

  2. October 1, 2015 / 12:44 pm

    This was such an emotional read but beautifully written. Well done you for pouring your heart out and being so honest and brave. Such a lovely but sad post. You are so brave. *big hugs* I am so so sorry for your loss xxxx

    • October 1, 2015 / 6:16 pm

      Thank you, it’s very therapeutic for me to write these thoughts down and know that I am sharing Joseph’s memory with others. My second little dove is very much a part of our lives and there is nothing nicer than seeing him live on in his brothers and sisters. Xxx

  3. October 1, 2015 / 7:15 pm

    This must have been really hard for you to write as it was hard for me to read. As a parent, the loss of a child is this unimaginable pain. This is a loss that I have not felt and I commend you so much for talking about it. Thank you so much for sharing your story! Visiting from #momsterlink

    • October 1, 2015 / 8:09 pm

      Thank you. It took me a long time before I was able to talk about it without feeling angry and cheated at all that we had lost. These days I love that others can read about my sons life, however brief, and that I can use my experiences to help others in the same position. Off to nosy at your blog now too! Thanks again!! xx

  4. October 1, 2015 / 7:42 pm

    I don’t really know what to say as a comment but I wanted to say something so you know that I’ve read this and it moved me hugely. Such a beautifully written piece. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this. Beautiful #momsterslink

    • October 1, 2015 / 8:05 pm

      Thank you. Just to know that people are reading about my little boy and his name is being spoken means the world to me. xxx

  5. October 1, 2015 / 7:46 pm

    This is really beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss. Obviously, I don’t know how you feel, but I can see how it would often be the ordinary moments, after all it is the ordinary moments you expect to have a life time of, to be able to take for granted. #momsterslink

    • October 1, 2015 / 8:04 pm

      Thank you. The ordinary moments are possibly the hardest. Everyone is there for you on the anniversaries, offering their love and support and yet very few are there on those regular Wednesdays when actually, you could really do with a big hug!!! Thank god for my four little doves who are always there with cuddles and kisses, they make me feel very lucky indeed!!! xx

  6. October 2, 2015 / 12:27 am

    What a beautiful post and tribute to your little boy! It not only gave me chills but brought tears to my eyes. Although I do not know you, it is evident that you are simply amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with your family from now on and always. =) #momsterslink

    • October 2, 2015 / 6:42 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and your lovely words. Some days are certainly harder than others but sharing my story means that my beautiful little boy shall never be forgotten. xx

  7. October 2, 2015 / 3:06 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss… What a powerful post! #momsterslinks

  8. October 2, 2015 / 4:03 am

    Such a beautiful post – thank you for sharing your memories and thoughts about your darling son. Visiting from #momsterslink

    • October 2, 2015 / 6:43 pm

      Thank you for reading, and your feedback. I hope that I am doing justice to Josephs memory, means a lot to share his story. xx

  9. October 6, 2015 / 4:17 am

    Wow…what a beautiful post and truly puts my bad day into a different perspective. I am so sorry you experienced such a tragic loss…one that no parent should ever go through…and finding the strength to write and share with others. Your family is beautiful and thank you for sharing this all with #momsterslink ((big squeezes))

    • October 6, 2015 / 1:44 pm

      Ahh thank you! Some days are still hard, even nine years on, and yet I have been blessed with four healthy children and that puts a smile on my face every single day!!! xxx

  10. October 15, 2015 / 3:39 pm

    Oh my gosh, I just want to scoop you in my arms and hug you. This post made me weep. I have no words for you. I wish I could just take that pain away. It is not the same at all but I have had four miscarriages and I know that pain in your heart where you feel all the air is going to be crushed out of you. It is unbearable. I am glad you wept. Sometimes years are the only way to ease the pain and I’m glad you had Harrison to give you a big hug too. Thanks so much for sharing this beautiful post with #SundaysStars. Big hugs and love Mrs H (Lucy) xxxx

    • October 15, 2015 / 3:55 pm

      Ahh thank you for your lovely words. I am so sorry that you too experienced loss, as a Mother it is just the hardest loss of all. Our Harry has healed our hearts in ways that I never knew possible, he is the brightest light in our lives, the little piece of Heaven that makes us laugh and smile each day. We have been so lucky to have four healthy children, it’s just very hard that even now, nine years on, one of my children is always missing.
      Thank you for stopping by, much love! xxx

  11. October 17, 2015 / 8:07 pm

    I am so sorry for your lost. You have written a beautiful post to remember him by. It has brought me to tears. Big hugs and lots of love, xx @SundaysStars

    • October 18, 2015 / 9:40 am

      Oh thank you, sorry I made you cry!! We are so lucky to have four healthy children, it’s just hard sometimes when one is always missing. Thank you for stopping by! xxx

      • October 18, 2015 / 11:46 am

        Please don’t be. I’m a very emotional person. Big hugs. Xxx

  12. January 19, 2016 / 9:15 pm

    Omg this has made me cry, what a beautiful piece of writing to your son, I could not imagine how that must feel and I don’t want to, so sad x #TheBabyFormula

    Pauline xxx

    • January 19, 2016 / 9:16 pm

      I’m so sorry I made you cry. But thank you so much. 💙xxx

  13. newmummyblogcom
    January 25, 2016 / 9:30 pm

    Oh, I had eyes filled with tears reading this. I actually put this off til last as I thought it might be emotional and I wanted to really read it without distractions on my own, it’s the least I can do. I can’t imagine your pain, especially as you say, your everyday pain, you can’t prepare for that. So beautifully written, sending a virtual hug! Thank you for sharing #TheBabyFormula

    • January 25, 2016 / 9:44 pm

      Oh I’m so sorry it upset you but I’m so honoured that you took the time to read it through. Thank you for the hug, much appreciated, and thank you for hosting. Xxx

  14. January 26, 2016 / 11:25 am

    So beautifully written and a tribute to apart of you and your loss I am so sorry but sometimes people don’t realize. This left me emotional for you but I thank you for sharing your Joseph with us all and the love within you in this post. Thanks for linking up to Share With me #sharewithme

    • January 26, 2016 / 12:15 pm

      Thanks Jenny. We have been so lucky to have four healthy children, it’s just very bittersweet watching them grow and knowing that Joseph never had that chance. Thank you for reading. 💙

  15. February 14, 2016 / 10:18 pm

    I can only imagine that was hard to write. Sending you a big hug – your words are always so touching.

    Sally @ Life Loving
    #LifeLovingLinkie

    • February 15, 2016 / 2:41 pm

      Thanks Sally, as always. xx

  16. April 2, 2016 / 10:24 pm

    You write with such poignancy that I can only imagine how difficult that was to write. I’ve heard it said that time is a healer, now i’m not so sure if that’s true x

    • April 3, 2016 / 7:41 pm

      Thank you, it was very difficult but I love to write about Joseph and share him with you all. I always believed that time was a healer until we lost him, now I know that time doesn’t heal at all, you just find a way to live with it a little better with every passing year. Thanks for reading. xx

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