For Eva, on your fourth birthday

Dear Eva,

Today you are four and although I say the same with each passing year, I have no idea where the last four years have gone! You have changed so much from our tiny newborn baby into such a beautiful little girl, in just the blink of an eye. It is so hard to imagine a life without you in it and yet I still remember a time when I never dared imagine that we would ever be so lucky to have you.

After losing your big brother Joseph, and the many babies that followed, we never imagined that a pregnancy would last the duration or that even if it did, there would be a life at the end of it. You were the first baby that we began to inject Clexane every day in the hope that it might keep you safe, never knowing if it would, or did, make a difference. And with each scan, of which there were many, we were told that you were growing strong, that you appeared healthy and that there was no reason whatsoever why you wouldn’t survive.

But still, I refused to buy a single Babygro (which is so unlike Mummy as you know how much I love shopping!), I wouldn’t let Daddy decorate the nursery or even let myself believe that you would be ours to keep. I was so scared, even when I felt those little flutters in my tummy that turned into huge, walloping kicks, I was simply holding my breath waiting for the day that they stopped. I was so terrified, every hour of every day, as I knew how much it would hurt to have to say Goodbye again.

And yet at thirty five weeks, following a massive bleed, I was rushed in for induction and it all began to feel very real. Laying there, strapped to machines and monitors, your little heart rate shooting up and down, I couldn’t help but think about the last time that I was there, by some cruel twist of fate in the same ward, and the same room, being induced with your brother. And physically, you were my hardest labour, you really weren’t for being born unlike your siblings! I should have known then just how stubborn you would become, and how you will only ever do anything in your own time.

So at 7.45pm on the 23rd February, just as Manchester United was about to kick off, a fact which your big brother has never let me forget, it was one of the most amazing moments of my entire life when you arrived into the world, 48cm long and weighing 5lb 4oz. You were absolutely beautiful with a shock of blonde hair, perfect in every way, and best of all, screaming at the top of your lungs. And I loved you in a heartbeat, as they placed you on my chest and I looked down into your perfect little face, I have never in all my life experienced a feeling like that of meeting my first little rainbow.

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There are moments in life that you never forget, so many moments that it becomes impossible to choose just one, and yet I think if I was forced to choose just one which made me happier than I had ever imagined, it was the moment that your big brother met you for the very first time. Just twenty minutes old, he burst into that hospital room, aged eight, ready to meet his sibling for the very first time and just thinking about it now, the tears are streaming down my face. There are no words which will ever describe that feeling, so much more momentous for all that we had been through, and he loved you so much. From the word go, you stole his heart and four years later you have never given it back.

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It took a long time for me to allow myself to believe that you were ours to keep. Walking out of that hospital with you felt like a dream, hearing your perfect lttle snores as you lay beside me had me pinching myself over and over, and having you in my arms just twelve weeks later when I married your Daddy I couldn’t believe we had ever been so lucky. I was floating on air for months after your arrival, I still am.

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You were such an adorable baby, not only beautiful, which you undoubtedly were, but just such a contented, laid back little girl and you made being a Mummy so easy. Everywhere we went people would comment on your huge blue eyes and your blonde hair, and I was the proudest Mummy in all the world, I always will  be.

By fifteen months you were a big sister to Megan, and from day one you thrived in your role, exerting your authority whenever possible. Just weeks after your second birthday you were big sister to Harry and suddenly had a whole tribe of siblings to boss about, Lewis included! You had us all wrapped around your little finger, and you knew it!!

You are so funny, clever, quick witted, sarcastic and have a wicked sense of humour, you get that from your Mummy. You are stubborn, the mastermind behind all things naughty, demanding, fiercely independent and can throw the mother of all tantrums if you don’t get your own way. But at the same time you are so loving, so caring and protective towards your siblings. You shower us with affection, will tell me ten times a day that I am your best friend in all the world, snuggle into me and say, “Love you Mama”, and you know full well that Mummy can’t resist your little face when you do that and will usually follow it up with a request for a biscuit!

We have had a whirlwind of fun over the last four years. Weddings, babies, birthdays, holidays, so many memories made together. And I love spending time with you, sometimes just the two of us sneaking off together so you can tell me all of your secrets, play Princesses or read books about magical far away lands. You will always be my biggest girl and yet you are very much still my baby, forever and ever.

Last night as I tucked you into bed, I told you, with tears in my eyes, that I cannot believe what a big girl you have grown into, how four years ago you were still just a tiny baby in my tummy and that time has passed so very quickly. And you clung to me, your cheek against mine and you said, “But all of the weeks have just gone and gone and gone, and then I will be big? Can we just go back and do it all again?”. And I almost sobbed at your innocence, at the sad fact that you will never again be three, that the years are flying by and one day, in years not so far from now, you will no longer be our little girl.

And just as I was about to have a full on break down, unable to cope with the inevitable emotions that birthdays bring, you looked at me and said, “Its better out of your tummy anyway Mummy. It was full of bones and blood in there and I was getting very bloody!”. And I swallowed back the lump in my throat and I laughed, silly, hysterical laughs into the warmth of your neck and tucked you up for the very last time as my three year old little girl.

You are so precious to me Eva Sienna, my first little rainbow, the one who taught me to never give up on my dreams, to always have faith and proved to me that there is such a thing as our happy ever after.

Happy fourth birthday, I love you all of the stars in the sky. xxxxxxxxx

 

 

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76 Comments

  1. February 23, 2016 / 8:08 pm

    This made me cry! 😥 She’s such a beautiful little girl. You’re an amazing Mummy. 😘😘😘 Love you both xxx

    • February 23, 2016 / 8:27 pm

      Ahh bless you, she is more hyper than I have ever known her right now!! Going to be a long night!! Thanks again for her present, she loves it. Love you lots. xxx

    • February 24, 2016 / 10:22 pm

      Thank you for reading! Xx

  2. February 24, 2016 / 1:50 pm

    What a beautiful post, and such gorgeous photos to boot! Happy bday Eva!! #abitofeverything

    • February 24, 2016 / 6:20 pm

      Thank you so much! xx

  3. February 24, 2016 / 6:47 pm

    This is such a beautiful post, brought tears to my eyes. Such a beautiful little girl and family. Your daughter will cherish this when she gets older. So sweet. Thank you for sharing your story. #bestandworst

    • February 24, 2016 / 6:57 pm

      Ahh thank you so much. She’s a complete miracle to us and that is the reason why she will always have us wrapped around her little finger! Thanks for reading. xx

  4. mrsmumnz
    February 24, 2016 / 8:05 pm

    What a beautiful little girl! I love that she wants to go back and do it all again. So sweet! This is such a beautiful post. So full of emotion. I can only imagine how hard your pregnancy was but I am thrilled that after all the heartbreak, stress and worry that you finally had your precious little girl. A truly happy ending. Thank you so much for sharing. #abitofeverything

    • February 24, 2016 / 8:06 pm

      Ahh thank you. She was so worth the wait. 💗💗💗

  5. February 25, 2016 / 2:18 am

    What a beautiful, incredible story! Happy birthday to your sweet little girl <3

    • February 25, 2016 / 8:50 am

      Thank you so much!! Xx

  6. February 25, 2016 / 10:29 am

    WHat a lovely post and such a great array of pics at the end. Love this a lot. #MMWBH

  7. February 25, 2016 / 11:12 am

    Such a beautiful little post. She’s been a real blessing in your lives #happydiaries x

    • February 25, 2016 / 11:33 am

      Oh she really has, thank you so much! xx

  8. February 25, 2016 / 11:32 am

    I cannot imagine going through what you’ve been through, but your post was absolutely beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.
    #happydiaries

    • February 25, 2016 / 11:34 am

      Thank you. I consider all of my babies to be a gift from their big brother and a little piece of him to live on in their hearts. We are so lucky, amongst so much sadness there has been so much joy in our lives. Thank you for reading. xx

  9. February 25, 2016 / 12:07 pm

    What a beautiful little girl. This made me cry. What a lovely post. You are such a strong, lovely mummy. Thank you for sharing X

    • February 25, 2016 / 7:43 pm

      Ahh thank you so much!! 😘😘

  10. February 25, 2016 / 12:18 pm

    And thank you so much for sharing. Your openness and honesty makes reading your posts that much more enjoyable. 🙂

  11. Yvonne - Double the Monkey Business
    February 25, 2016 / 1:32 pm

    Such a beautiful little girl and such an emotional journey. Thanks so much for sharing and for your openness. Happy Birthday Eva #happydiaries

    • February 25, 2016 / 7:42 pm

      Thank you so much! Xx

  12. February 25, 2016 / 2:29 pm

    Beautiful. Quite a journey. Four years and I bet it feels like the time has flown. You have a beautiful family and beautiful children. Thanks for sharing

    • February 25, 2016 / 7:42 pm

      Thank you so much. Can’t believe how fast time has gone! Xx

  13. February 25, 2016 / 5:53 pm

    Ah gorgeous girl and a lovely post. Happy birthday to your angel! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

  14. February 25, 2016 / 6:06 pm

    What a gorgeous post. I love all the photos and reading about your beautiful family. #happydiaries

  15. February 25, 2016 / 8:31 pm

    That made me tear up! What a beautiful post! I felt like I was there with you as you were so scared to be happy, worried (for good reason) that you would lose her but here she is, 4 years old and she’s beautiful! Happy Birthday little one! #momsterlink

    • February 25, 2016 / 8:34 pm

      Thank you! Still can’t believe how lucky we have been, she was well and truly worth all of that worry!! Xx

  16. Mary-The Boondocks Blog
    February 25, 2016 / 10:39 pm

    Happy birthday to little Eva. Wishing you and her many more wonderful memories. Thank you for sharing such a special post with us.

    • February 26, 2016 / 10:35 am

      Thank you! And for reading too. xx

  17. February 26, 2016 / 2:13 am

    I’m sitting here next to my almost 22 year old son reminiscing about him through all of his birthdays. Your post brings back so many wonderful memories for me of his younger days. That’s why you are one of my Over the Moon Link Party Features for OTM #12 coming up this Sunday. Don’t forget to link up with us again.

    • February 26, 2016 / 10:35 am

      Aww thank you Sandy! Wow 22, and I bet that time has flown hasn’t it? My eldest will be 12 in April and I know that the next few years will fly. I am trying to hold on to the last of his childhood before he becomes a grumpy, hormonal teenager! Thank you for hosting, see you next week. xx

  18. February 26, 2016 / 11:29 am

    Awwww such a moving post, this very nearly made me cry! It’s just lovely and Happy Birthday Eva 🙂 x

  19. February 26, 2016 / 12:10 pm

    How much I love this post. Thanks for sharing all these treasured moments and for writing a post which I know she’ll love to read when she gets older. if you’d like to link up at my new linky you’d be really welcome

    • February 26, 2016 / 12:22 pm

      I would love to! Will go look now! Thank you. Xx

  20. February 26, 2016 / 8:33 pm

    Beautiful, as always. Happy birthday to your little girl – she is absolutely gorgeous. #binkylinky

    • February 26, 2016 / 8:52 pm

      Thank you!! 😘😘

    • February 26, 2016 / 9:23 pm

      Ahh happy birthday girlies!! Enjoy!! Thanks for hosting. Xx

  21. February 27, 2016 / 12:35 pm

    Lovely letter. What a gorgeous girl 🙂 #binkylinky

  22. newmummyblogcom
    February 27, 2016 / 10:40 pm

    I love your posts! Every week I read your post and think how heartfelt your writing is, how honest and how I can feel every emotion with every word. What a lovely little girl and sister she’s become. Happy 4th Birthday little one 🙂
    Thanks for linking to #TheBabyFormula

    • February 28, 2016 / 8:04 am

      Ahh thank you so much, that means such a lot. Xxx

  23. February 28, 2016 / 7:16 pm

    Aww this is so gorgeous and so is she! What a beauty 🙂 I bet she is such a little character and brings such joy to you all. Happy 4th birthday Eva and I hope you have/had a brilliant day. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst xx

    • February 29, 2016 / 8:26 am

      Thank you! She really is such a character!! She’s a real little madam but way too adorable with it! Thanks for hosting! Xx

  24. Nige
    February 28, 2016 / 7:34 pm

    Wonderful post our girls turned four this week great age thanks for linking to the Binkylinky

    • February 29, 2016 / 8:25 am

      It’s the best isn’t it? They are such characters at this age, four going on fourteen! Thanks for hosting! Xx

  25. The Anxious Dragon
    February 29, 2016 / 11:21 pm

    Happy birthday little lady. The emotion you express in this post has me welling up a bit myself. I cant possibly imagine the fears of your pregnancy followed by the joy of taking your little girl home, but I am so very glad that you have been blessed with Eva and your other two rainbow children.
    Thank you for sharing here with us, Tracey xx #abitofeverything

    • March 1, 2016 / 4:47 pm

      Thank you Tracey, it was the most difficult time of our lives and yet we did it, our family is complete and now we have a whole new set of worries of keeping them safe!! It never stops does it! xx

  26. March 1, 2016 / 5:08 am

    They do grow so fast. I feel as if I blink my eye and another year has passed and someday they won’t need me as much. Except to borrow money lol. There’s no other love on the planet. Thanks for linking up to #momsterslink and happy birthday belated to your little one.

    • March 1, 2016 / 4:46 pm

      Haha yes, my eleven year old is getting very much like that! Only bothers with me when he wants something!! Kids hey? Thanks for reading,. xx

  27. March 1, 2016 / 1:34 pm

    Awww….. this is such a lovely tribute! I have tears in my eyes. She sound like such a fun kid to be around. My boy has just turned five too. Where on earth did the time go? Happy Birthday Eva Sienna! Xxx Thank you so much for linking up with us at #FabFridayPost

    • March 1, 2016 / 4:45 pm

      Thank you!! She is just the best, still pinching myself that she is ours to keep!! Happy birthday to your son, wont be long until Evas fifth birthday, time flies! Thanks for reading! xx

  28. March 1, 2016 / 9:53 pm

    Ahh they grow up way too fast don’t they? Happy Birthday beautiful girl! Lovely post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

    • March 2, 2016 / 10:25 am

      Way too fast!! Thanks for hosting! Xxx

  29. The Anxious Dragon
    March 2, 2016 / 8:04 pm

    Coming back from #happydiaries, thanks for linking xx

  30. Morgan Prince
    March 5, 2016 / 12:06 pm

    What an absolutely beautiful post. Happy fourth birthday to Eva! It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter.
    Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo
    PS: sorry for the late reply.

    • March 5, 2016 / 2:45 pm

      Thank you!! She had a wonderful day! Xx

  31. April 4, 2016 / 2:58 pm

    Totally sobbed whilst reading this. Beautiful post. xx

    • April 4, 2016 / 7:26 pm

      Ahh I’m sorry! Thank you for reading though! xx

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