Tick tock, tick tock…

From the day that Eva was born and placed into my arms, opened her eyes and stole my heart, I knew that we were on borrowed time. When we took her home from the hospital, the proudest parents in all the world, through those crazy baby days, those long nights feeding and winding, those moments when she called me Mama and took her first steps, I could hear the distant sound of a ticking clock. Tick tock, tick tock, the constant reminder that time would pass us by so fast.

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Through her first Christmas, her first birthday, our first holiday together, it was always there, like an irritating itch that I couldn’t quite scratch, a niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach. Tick tock, tick tock, the dreaded reality that the weeks were fast turning to months, the months turning to years.

As two turned to three, and three turned to four, the ticking noise became louder and louder, and where previously I had tried to push it away, to banish it to the back of my mind, tell myself that it wasn’t really happening, now it consumed me.

Tick tock tick tock, tick tock…

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And finally, last month, I had to face it head on, thrown right in at the deep end, with the dreaded “Primary School Induction Evening.”

And I cannot stress to you enough just how emotional this has made me. In my mind, however deluded, my baby girl was just born. It took all of my strength to hand her over for just two mornings a week at nursery and there was nearly a full on melt down when she began her fifteen hours at pre-school. But now, the idea of waving goodbye to her for five days a week, makes me want to wrap my arms around her and never let go. The thought of watching her disappear behind a closed door, knowing that for six hours of every day she will be just a few metres away down the road, but not with me, not with us, kills me.

I’m sure that many of you are reading this thinking, For Gods sake woman, get a grip! And perhaps I could well do with a good shake, someone to remind me that she is four, that she is ready to learn, ready to find her feet and no doubt flourish within the support of a classroom environment. But then not everyone will understand when I tell them that Eva is special, as all babies undoubtedly are, but to us she is the baby that we genuinely never believed that we would have, the baby whom we fought so hard for, whom we wished and hoped for and, four years later, still pinch ourselves that she is really ours to keep. She was the first baby sister for Lewis, the first to prove to us that miracles do happen,  that after all those years and everything we went through, we were sent the most beautiful of rainbows to heal our hearts.

And in that way, starting Primary school is a minefield of fear, anguish and upset. As we looked around the school during the Induction Evening, I could see Gaz doing a quick risk assessment of every classroom, commenting on the steepness of the steps, the low level of the gates, imagining in his head the possibility of our little girl tripping, falling, escaping…and I knew that it wasn’t just me who was worried, it was him too.

And her teacher seems lovely, she really does, but then she too has no idea how special our daughter is. It took all of my self restraint not to grab her, to take her by the hand and tell her please don’t assume that Eva is just another child in your class,  please take care of her, know that she is so precious, that we waited for such a long time to have her. I wanted to tell her that Eva needs constant reassurance, that she often feels over-whelmed in large groups, in new environments, with new people. I wanted to tell her how Eva needs direction, a warm hug, a hand in hers, she needs praise and encouragement and an opportunity to let her imagination run wild. I wanted to tell her that Eva still struggles to say her ‘R’s, that she sometimes writes her letters back to front, that she can be shy and scared and worried, and there are days when all she really wants is her Mummy. But instead I just stood there, my jaw clenched, every muscle in my body tense, imagining her there in the classroom, choosing a reading book, counting blocks, painting me a picture. And, as I blinked back my tears and swallowed the lump rising in my throat, I headed back home to my daughter and promised myself that I would make the most of every single day from now until September.

But it’s still there, the whole time, that sound, the constant ticking of that clock, tick tock, tick tock. And I want to put my hands over my ears, to sing “La, la, la!” in a child like manner, to stamp my feet and stick out my tongue and say, “I’m not listening!”, “I cant hear you”, “I’m not ready…..”.

But in actual fact, today as she tried on her new uniform, I realised that I couldn’t deny it any longer. As I stood there looking at her little face, so proud and excited and unafraid, I realised just how fast these next few weeks will fly, how in no time at all I shall  be sobbing on my doorstep, a wreck of a mother, tears and snot and complete devastation that my baby girl is all grown up.

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At the same time, I know that we have been through this before. I experienced the upset of Lewis’s first day at primary school, a day so traumatic that, having cried so much on the drive home, I smashed my car straight into a brick wall. Just last year I experienced Lewis’s last day of Primary, his first day of Secondary, days which I had dreaded for months beforehand, that I had been sure would completely destroy me. And yet I survived them, I adapted, I realised that actually it is an amazing thing to see my child grow, to watch them experience new things, reach new milestones and discover their independence.

And I also know that it will always be far easier to see her growing healthy and strong, to watch her running down that school path with her brand new little book bag, her red ribbons streaming out from behind her braids, her face flushed with excitement and anticipation, than to have never experienced it at all.

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I am so, so sad to think that she is at this age already, that she is spreading her wings and leaving me behind, but it hurts that little bit less when I remind myself just how very lucky we are, how very blessed we have been, how utterly wonderful life is to have the most beautiful little rainbow of all.

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119 Comments

  1. June 13, 2016 / 6:40 am

    This is so beautiful and I can really relate to that feeling of a big clock ticking. My eldest is due to start primary school this year too and I want the time between now and then to go as slow as possible. I’m not ready for my baby to be all grown up and ready to be away from me for six hours a day. As you say though that reminder that to be able to witness those milestones and that growing independence is better than never having been able to do so at all. Hope the time goes by slowly for both of us between now and September x

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:19 pm

      It’s so hard, I know that they are probably totally ready for school but it’s us parents who find it the hardest!! I look at Eva and she still seems like my baby, I guess I don’t see her as others do as a four year old ready to learn. God help me when Megan starts next year and Harry the year after. Then I really will be distraught!! xx

  2. Fi Ni Neachtain
    June 13, 2016 / 7:24 am

    They grow up too quickly don’t they? I have that tick rock anxiety with my new baby at the moment. Eva is absolutely adorable by the way.

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:18 pm

      Aww thank you! You can almost hear it can’t you? Every day something new or they’ve changed that little bit. Eva is fast losing her baby face and shooting up, I can’t bear it!!!! xx

  3. Sharon Parry
    June 13, 2016 / 9:33 am

    I know exactly how you feel! My beautiful eldest baby girl turned 18 last month and is leaving for Uni in September. Actually leaving me! I have no idea how I will cope with this, just the thought of it makes me want to cry. The years that your children spend with you are so precious! XX #MarvMondays

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:17 pm

      Eighteen?! Oh god, uni is my biggest worry, I lie awake some nights thinking about it! I hate the thought of them moving away, marrying, having families of their own, I just can’t cope with any of it! I look at my Mum differently now thinking how hard it must have been for her to watch me leave home at 18, I never realised it before. xx

  4. snowingindoors
    June 13, 2016 / 10:39 am

    The time just flies by, our youngest heads off to school in September and I know I’m going to miss my little mate

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:16 pm

      Aww yep, that’s the worst part, I’m just really going to miss her! As are her brother and sister! xx

  5. June 13, 2016 / 10:46 am

    You are not alone! I have that feeling everyday, my eldest starts junior school and my youngest primary school in September. I could cry, they are getting so big so fast, I wish they would slow down #bigpinklinky

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:15 pm

      Oh no! Double whammy!! I keep telling myself that it’s ages away yet but the weeks are flying, I feel as though it was just Christmas!!! xx

  6. June 13, 2016 / 11:32 am

    What a sweetheart! T is turning six in August, and can still roll her “rs” 🙂 I’m like you. I was a total wreck when she started reception last year. When she goes on school trips, I worry about her and like you, want to grab unto her teachers and say “Oh please take care of her. She’s my one and only”. I worry that because she is so tiny, they might lose her. Of course they never do. And her teachers are all lovely. I can’t thank them enough for taking good care of little T 🙂

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:14 pm

      Oh god class trips!! The thought of that makes me feel sick! Even now with Lewis who is 12 I hate him going on class trips, I worry endlessly about the many, MANY things that could happen! Next easter he is going to Italy skiing for TEN days with school. TEN DAYS!!!! I’m in complete denial about that, I’m going to have a full on melt down by then!!! xx

  7. June 13, 2016 / 11:47 am

    I don’t think you can truly appreciate how fast time goes until you become a parent. We celebrated my daughter’s second birthday in April and I’m still trying to get my head around it. I just know she’s going to be stood in front of me in school uniform in no time at all. It’s petrifying! Good luck in September! xx

    #marvmondays

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:13 pm

      I know! People say it all the time don’t they and yet you don’t realise until that little baby comes along how true it is. They just grow SO fast, every single day there’s something new or another milestone reached and gone before you’ve even had the chance to appreciate it. I am going to make the most of this Summer that’s for sure! xx

  8. June 13, 2016 / 12:30 pm

    What a beautiful post, and as usual, your pics are so lovely. Gosh all those development milestones are so tough. If only we could back and relive it all. But then, along with all the memories, are all the new experiences to treasure, the lovely milestones still to come x #bigpinklink

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:12 pm

      Thank you. Oh I would love to go back and re-live it all again, it goes by so fast that you barely have the time to register one stage when you’re approaching the next! You’re right though, there are so many lovely milestones to come, it’ll be her wedding day before I know it! Ha! xx

  9. June 13, 2016 / 12:35 pm

    Aw, big hugs! As a preschool teacher I quickly realized that every mother thinks something similar to this. One mother even told me her twins were precious because they were so expensive ( ivf babies). I’m sure the teacher will take great care of her and she will thrive. And you’ll be fine too xxx

    #fartglitter

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:11 pm

      Oh I bet you see it all the time!! Every parent thinks that their child is so special, I think it’s hard to imagine them as just one amongst a class of many. I know she will love it, she’s so ready for it, it’s just me who isn’t!! xx

  10. June 13, 2016 / 1:29 pm

    Just beautiful, I think lots of mums feel the way you do at some point. My daughter starts secondary school in September and it is so scary, before long she will be a teenager and I really don’t want that yet xx

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:10 pm

      Aww my eldest started high school last year and it was HUGE!! It feels like the end of an era doesn’t it? I’m dreading the teenage years, then it really is a slippery slope into a whole new world of crazy!! xx

  11. June 13, 2016 / 2:03 pm

    Oh this is so beautiful and brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes – you write just so so beautifully – this part: “I wanted to tell her that Eva still struggles to say her ‘R’s, that she sometimes writes her letters back to front, that she can be shy and scared and worried, and there are days when all she really wants is her Mummy.” I just wanted to say to you as if we were chatting over a coffee “tell her, tell her!” She will understand and she will get it. Oh this letting go part is so hard isn’t it – I still struggle and mine are teens. Sending hugs #MarvMondays

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:09 pm

      Ahh thank you. I think we get the opportunity to speak to the teacher before September and I will try and relay all of my fears, it’s hard though as I don’t want to sound totally neurotic…even if I am!! Ha!
      My eldest started high school last year and I was equally as emotional, I don’t think that it ever gets easier does it? xx

      • June 13, 2016 / 6:07 pm

        aww it doesn’t – they really test our emotions these children … makes us better mummies I’m sure xx on another note are you going to Britmums??? xx

        • June 13, 2016 / 7:16 pm

          Sadly not. It’s such a long way for me to travel and I had planned to but child care got in the way as my husband is gallivanting to Amsterdam that weekend for his best friends stag do. Of all the weekends!!! I shall be there next year though, no way am I missing out again! I take it you are? Xxx

          • June 13, 2016 / 8:01 pm

            Oh totally understandable – well I really look forward to meeting you next year xxx

          • June 14, 2016 / 12:09 pm

            You too! Enjoy! xx

  12. June 13, 2016 / 3:12 pm

    Oh Laura you have made me all teary again. As usual you have so eloquently and beautifully written about something I think most parents struggle with. My baby boy is growing so fast and I can’t believe how quickly it is going already. I honestly don’t know how I will manage when he is at an age to start pre school and school. But as you say we are so lucky to see them grow and to have these moments. beautiful photos – she is just the cutest! I hope the summer goes slowly for you. #bigpinklink

    • June 13, 2016 / 3:22 pm

      Aww bless you! At least that’s two of us who are emotional!! It’s crazy how fast it goes, you tell yourself that time cant possibly speed up when you have children, after all 365 days is still 365 days, but it just flies! It’s impossible to even understand where the time has gone, all of that sleep deprivation and crazy baby days must all merge into one! I’m hoping for a super long summer, fingers crossed. xxx

  13. Anosa
    June 13, 2016 / 4:34 pm

    Eva is such a beautiful young lady and though I don’t get have kids I can just about imagine the tread of time moving so fast

    • June 13, 2016 / 4:39 pm

      Thank you so much. We are so proud of her, she really is the most special little rainbow. 🌈🌈🌈xx

  14. June 13, 2016 / 5:56 pm

    It’s scary how fast time goes especially after having a child my son is 18 months next week and its scares me to know soon enough I’ll have to start applying for him to go to pre school.

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:12 pm

      Gosh yes! I was in bits just applying for her place, and I have to do it all again this year for Megan and the following year for Harry! Time goes way too fast, if only there was a pause button! xx

  15. June 13, 2016 / 6:30 pm

    She looks so adorable and happy in those pics and though my story is different, I can totally relate. My A is only 2.5 but I know school will be here before we know it and I can’t even imagine not knowing what he’s been doing all day. I’m going to enjoy every second with him until we get there. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:12 pm

      She was SO proud!! You have a while yet, my youngest will start school at the same time as A and then I really will be a wreck, no more babies at home! WaaaahH!! xxx

  16. Philippa
    June 13, 2016 / 7:01 pm

    My 7 yr old went to school with a spring in her step and enjoyed it. Through Yr R and Yr 1 we seperated. But now we home educate, for reasons of choice and a dislike of the way our education system is moving. We share the joys, discoveries, explorations, frustrations and learning along with my almost 4. Time with children is so wonderful and precious. For 10+ years, I can give them my full time if they want it.

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:10 pm

      Oh wow home schooling would solve all of these worries of mine! I don’t have the patience at all, but I hugely admire those who do!! xx

  17. June 13, 2016 / 7:40 pm

    She is so cute! Such an inspiring blog for mothers and families!

    The Blonde B

  18. June 13, 2016 / 8:23 pm

    She looks so cute in her new uniform! I just know I’m going to be a total mess when Marianna starts school. I can’t believe she is almost 18 months already – it really does fly by so fast. I’m always aware of the ‘tick tick tick’! x

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:08 pm

      Thank you! Aww 18 months! That’s a FAB age! My youngest has just turned two so I know I have two more years before the last little dove flies the nest, and then I really will be a wreck!!! xx

  19. June 13, 2016 / 8:30 pm

    This was me this time last year – I found the prospect of reception year highly emotional! #marvmondays

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:07 pm

      Aww I know that there isn’t a parent on the planet who mustn’t feel these emotions on some level, it’s just always harder when it’s YOUR child isn’t it? Thanks for reading! xxx

  20. Mrs Morgan Plus 3
    June 13, 2016 / 10:09 pm

    Aw how lovely. My daughter also starts in reception in September and I cannot believe she is already 4 time goes by so fast xx #mg

  21. June 13, 2016 / 10:39 pm

    Oh gosh. My eldest id headed to “school” which is more preschool in September, full uniform and I’m not ready so I understand everywhere you are coming from but oh my, those plaits, that uniform – she is adorable!! #FartGlitter

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:05 pm

      Thank you! As Eva starts school Megan will start pre-school and Harry will start two mornings at nursery. For the first time in over 4 years I will have 5 hours a week to myself totally child free!! Now that kind of softens the blow!! xx

  22. June 13, 2016 / 11:25 pm

    Aw its ok to never want to let go because she is the precious daughter you thought you would never have. I bet Lewis loves her xx

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:04 pm

      You’re so right. I think even when she is as old as I am now, she will ALWAYS be our first little rainbow. xxx

  23. June 14, 2016 / 6:12 am

    So sweet in her new uniform! Gosh, I don’t have kids but I still wonder where the time goes xx

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:03 pm

      Thank you!! She didn’t want to take it off bless her! xx

  24. June 14, 2016 / 9:10 am

    Awww what a sweet post. You daughter is lucky to have you as her mother. I can feel the love.

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:01 pm

      Thank you so much. I am the lucky one, I genuinely still cant believe just how lucky we are. xxx

  25. Becky, Cuddle Fairy
    June 14, 2016 / 10:20 am

    Eva is the cutest in her uniforms!! She’s too adorable. You knew how precious & how fast the time would go right when Eva was born which is making it so much harder. I’m just realizing how fast the time goes – our youngest turned 3 in February & I wasn’t expecting everything to blow by so fast. All we can do is focus on the good – that they are growing & developing which is what we want as parents. #MG x

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:01 pm

      Ahh thank you, she was so proud, I get tearful just thinking about it! I think with your second, and the more you have, the more aware you are right from the word go that the time will go by way too fast. My memories of Lewis being small are so blurred, I look at him sometimes and wonder how we got to the point where in no time at all he will be bigger than me! But yes, focusing on each stage is so important, I think that’s why I take so many photos!! Thanks for reading! xxx

  26. June 14, 2016 / 11:07 am

    What a cutie! My little girl is only three weeks old and I can’t begin to imagine her starting school, but given how fast the past three weeks have gone, I’m sure it will be here in the blink of an eye! Do make sure you tell her teacher all of the things you mentioned, as a teacher I promise you they will find it very useful! xx #MarvMondays

    • June 14, 2016 / 11:58 am

      Aww congratulations!!! You have it all to come, I’m very envious of that! Oh I will, I just hope that she doesn’t think that I am neurotic (even though I am!) as I’m sure they get countless parents worrying about these kind of things every day! xx

  27. June 14, 2016 / 12:07 pm

    Ah it’s such a mixture of feelings isn’t it. My oldest is about to finish year 2 and he has two younger siblings. Some days I am lucky to get much time to talk to him which is so hard, but on other days I see him growing and learning so much and it’s all good. #TwinklyTuesday

    • June 14, 2016 / 12:14 pm

      Absolutely. Mine are 2, 3, 4 and 12 so regardless of school, some days are just impossible to get any real time together full stop. But school feels like a huge deal and in no time at all all four of my children will be in school and then I really will be a mess!! xx

  28. June 14, 2016 / 1:38 pm

    This time last year I was the snotty blubbering wreck in the months leading up to my baby starting school. In fact I sort of refused to think about it and spent most of the summer in complete denial. It was the school shoes that did it for me. They made it all seem a bit too real for my liking. Almost a school year later I can hardly imagine having her home with me now (but she’s still my baby). It’s amazing how quickly you all adjust to the new ‘normal’. Tissues, shades and waterproof mascara, you can do this! x #TwinklyTuesday

    • June 15, 2016 / 5:58 pm

      Gosh yes the school shoes! They are the part that Eva is the most excited about – black shiny shoes! They are going to break me aren’t they? You’re right though, it will soon get easier and the best part is that the school is literally 30 seconds down the road so even if it doesn’t I can hide my snotty blubbering face each morning until I’m safe behind the closed door!! xx

      • June 15, 2016 / 8:48 pm

        Aww, well it’s a big day for us Mummies too, we’re definitely allowed a little blub. You won’t be the only one!

  29. June 14, 2016 / 2:00 pm

    She is absolutely adorable with such an infectious smile, but yes time does go so quickly, I cant quite believe my oldest nephew is 10 x

    • June 15, 2016 / 5:57 pm

      Thank you so much. My eldest is 12, I still find that crazy! Next year I will have a teenager!! God knows how I’ll deal with that! xx

  30. June 14, 2016 / 2:58 pm

    Oh I was exactly the same when my eldest boy started pre school, I was a blubbering mess.
    But as we now home school, I’m so happy that I get to share his love of learning and cherish every single moment, our kiddies need to stop growing up!
    Little Eva looks beautiful in her uniform 🙂

    Thanks so much for joining in with #MMBC, hope to see you next week xx

    • June 15, 2016 / 5:57 pm

      Oh that’s lovely that you home school, that time must be so precious!! I just don’t have the patience!! She was so proud of her uniform bless her, way more excited than I was! Ha! Thanks for hosting. xx

  31. June 14, 2016 / 6:07 pm

    I am dreading my youngest starting school – I know he isn;t a baby anymore but I see it as the end of babyhood. I have one more year to make the most of

    • June 15, 2016 / 5:55 pm

      Defintely, it’s the end of an era isn’t it! No longer will I have three pre-schoolers, and for the next three consecutive Septembers I will lose them one by one! Hopefully it will get easier! Thanks for reading. xx

  32. June 15, 2016 / 2:53 pm

    Oh goodness Hun. I really do believe it’s all linked to our basic character. You’ve talked about anxiety here on the blog and I think it’s all linked. I love my kids and yes I felt ‘gosh she’s all grown up’ when my youngest started school last year and I realised as the last one in, I’d ‘missed’ their childhood and let it slip through my fingers but my eldest went when she was 3 and I never looked back and I didn’t feel tearful for a minute as I was so glad to get to that phase of life. I must seem hard! We all react differently. Part of me is envious though that your hubby did a mental risk assessment; mine is so laid back (uninvolved?) that he refused to even attend our eldest’s first day and I took her on my own, and he rapped on the window to hurry me out of the classroom when I was trying to settle our distraught middle child on his first day a few years ago!! You are a hell of a lot more attached to your kids and with good reason after all you’ve been through. She’ll be in good hands. #MarvMondays

    • June 15, 2016 / 5:55 pm

      I think you are so right. I think when it comes to my kids I am irrationally anxious, it’s something that I am very aware of but still cant snap out of either!! My husband is THE most laid back person on the planet but when it comes to our kids he is super vigilant and possibly even more cautious than me! I think it’s definitely linked to what we went through, I know that for me I feel that I let Joseph down, that I missed vital signs that he wasn’t well and I couldn’t save him. I guess with the other four I am hyper vigilant in the hope that I wont make that mistake ever again. She’ll be fine I know, it’s just me who wont! xx

  33. June 15, 2016 / 4:27 pm

    Oh bless you 🙁 My son starts school next year and I am already dreading it – nursery alone has been a massive challenge for me as I’m so overprotective and my anxiety is so high, but to think of school is heart breaking and I always feel as though others will think I’m so dramatic for phrasing it that way because its just part of life – but we can’t help how we feel can we.

    Eva is such a beautiful little thing, I hope you manage as best you can with it all – I’m sure she’ll be very well taken care of #bloggerclubuk

    • June 15, 2016 / 5:52 pm

      Yep I am exactly the same. I was never an anxious person until the children came along, now I am all too aware of every risk and potential danger! Thank you so much, she really is so precious and I know that she will love school but wow it’s going to be tough those first few weeks!! xx

  34. Michelle Murray
    June 15, 2016 / 4:31 pm

    I feel exactly the same about little J. I feel like I’ve blinked and all of a sudden he’s off to pre school!!

    • June 15, 2016 / 5:51 pm

      I know! And before you know it they’ll be leaving home! Waaaaahhhhh!!! xx

  35. June 15, 2016 / 5:31 pm

    The first time my baby girl outgrew one of her outfits, I cried. Just stood there, in front of her closet, sobbing like a fool. It just happened so much sooner than I expected. It makes me sad and happy to watch her grow. They always talk about women having a biological clock that makes them desperate to have children. But I didn’t hear any clock until after my baby was born. That’s what made me so very aware of the passing of time. It seems that life has sped up the day she was born. I hold her close every day and wonder how much longer she’ll let me do that before she’s wiggling out of my arms and running off in search of adventure.
    #bestandworst

    • June 15, 2016 / 5:51 pm

      You’re so right, I think children make you all too aware of how fast the time passes, before my children a year felt like the longest time, now I blink and I miss it. Thank you for reading. xx

  36. June 15, 2016 / 7:22 pm

    In a way it doesn’t matter if you are pleased to get them into school or desperate to keep them close, time goes past fast either way. Lovely post #bestandworst

    • June 16, 2016 / 9:15 am

      Absolutely, I doubt there is a parent on the planet who doesn’t feel that way on some level! xx

  37. mackenzieglanville
    June 15, 2016 / 10:52 pm

    She does look so adorable! I totally relate to this. When Aspen started it was so hard here was my miracle baby that we had struggled to have and I was sending her off into this big school with people I didn’t know. She was so painfully shy and I was so afraid for her. She is now in her last year of primary, and I worry about how she will cope next year! There has been times I have questioned should I homeschool so they can be with me, but I do love their school and I have seen how nurturing they are with my children. Last year Adam started school, my baby, my youngest. I was so lost and scared, blogging really helped me through it. Big hugs lovely xx #mg

    • June 16, 2016 / 9:14 am

      Primary to secondary is such a huge leap, I really struggled with letting go and allowing Lewis his freedom but actually, it has been the making of him. I think once you start to see the positives you can relax a little, it’s just hard initially when you want to keep them with you for as long as possible! I can’t even imagine how awful it must be when your youngest starts school, I’m hoping that I will enjoy the peace and quiet!!! xx

  38. mummyfever
    June 15, 2016 / 11:32 pm

    Oh gosh – we do survive and adapt don’t we but it’s blooming hard, Our third turned three today and I can’t cope with that. He has his pre-school induction next week and he’s so excited which is lovely but I need a pause button.
    Thanks for linking to #sharewithme – do join us again

    • June 16, 2016 / 9:13 am

      Isnt it just? I love that she is gaining her independence and blossoming as she is, but WOW it’s hard to let them go!!! xx

  39. twotinyhands
    June 16, 2016 / 5:39 am

    She is just adorable in her uniform! She will be well looked after… You know it will be alright don’t you? Be brave, your little one definitely is doing that for you! Thanks for linking up to #abrandnewday

    • June 16, 2016 / 9:12 am

      Thank you. Oh I know she will, it’s just a big jump isn’t it? I will miss her so much, as will her siblings!! xx

  40. June 16, 2016 / 9:35 am

    Oh darling, so normal to feel this way-I cried every day for a week or more when Oliver started, it’s a huge milestone and you while it’s a wonderful new chapter it’s normal to mourn it a little too. Life is about to change but it really is wonderful, I promise x

    • June 16, 2016 / 3:50 pm

      Thank you. I think you’re right, it does feel like mourning in a way, the end of an era having my three little ones at home. God help me when my youngest starts, now THAT will be hard!! xx

  41. June 16, 2016 / 11:12 am

    Beautiful post Laura! I went through this last year with my eldest. I was desperately sad to let her go to school and it was made worse by the fact that she is a very young one – born at the end of August she had only just turned 4 when she started and it made me want to weep. In fact I did weep, a lot! We had a wobbly start probably because she was so young, but 9 months on and she absolutely loves school. It’s a huge milestone but it Eva will be fine. Enjoy and make the most of your summer together. xxx

    • June 16, 2016 / 3:50 pm

      Thank you. Oh gosh that must have been SO hard!! I’m so glad that she is enjoying school, I know that Eva will but it’s a huge leap isn’t it? Definitely planning on milking every last second out of this Summer, if the rain ever stops!! xx

  42. June 16, 2016 / 11:45 am

    This is so lovely Laura. I think as parents all we want to do is put a massive pause button on them being any bigger, any more independent, any more grown up. And yet we revel in their achievements, will them on, celebrate their milestones, all the while being aware that every day forward is one closer to losing them. I wrote about ‘losing my baby to school’ last year at around this time, and now that she is nearing the end of reception, I just don’t know how to feel. I still miss her but I also see how very happy she is. She looks flipping gorgeous by the way though! She could model! 🙂 Thanks for linking. #bigpinklink

    • June 16, 2016 / 3:49 pm

      Thank you, she was SO proud to try on her uniform…as was Megan, bless! I think my heart breaks for me losing her but also Megan, it’s really going to hit her hard come September and I definitely think that the dynamics amongst my youngest three will change with Megan and Harry teaming up! It’s hard isn’t it, accepting that they are growing up, learning to let go…..waaaahhhhh!!! xxx

  43. June 16, 2016 / 4:50 pm

    Ah lovely my eldest started last year and my heart broke a little – it’s such a huge milestone and I miss her so much. I am dreading next September when my baby starts!! Good luck xx #marvmondays

    • June 16, 2016 / 6:34 pm

      I think it’s always going to be worse when it’s your baby, I dread to think how hard it will be when Harry starts!! I know that school is amazing and she will absolutely love it but still, another year at home would be lovely wouldn’t it? xx

  44. June 17, 2016 / 2:43 am

    This is so so beautiful! Hold her tight ad give her lost of hugs and kisses (of course you already do this). I find my self constantly saying I love you and giving hugs and kisses because I also still can’t believe that we got to keep him. That we got to meet him and that he was healed. I don’t know what I would do if my little guy didn’t go to my aunts while I work. I am so dreading the days he starts pre-school. Although I know already he will love it. #ABrandNewDay

    • June 18, 2016 / 6:56 pm

      Thank you so much. It’s so hard isn’t it when they are so special? Of course every baby is special but these babies with a story to tell are so close to our hearts, it hurts perhaps even more to let them go. Good luck when pre-school comes around! xx

  45. June 17, 2016 / 8:52 am

    Oh lovely – this is such a gorgeous post. I’m preparing for Emma going to nursery very soon and feeling all of this. I know people may think – but it’s only 2 mornings a week – but I’m thinking what will I do with myself! Treasure the time before she goes to school and know that she will absolutely love it and love returning to her mummy afterwards. xx #abrandnewday

    • June 18, 2016 / 6:55 pm

      Thank you. I know exactly what you mean, Harry will start nursery just two mornings a week in September and even though it’s just a couple of hours, I know I will feel so lost! I’m hoping that I’ll be so relieved to FINALLY get some time to myself that it will make it all the more bearable, the main thing is that it will be so good for them, it’s important that they gain their independence from a young age. xx

  46. June 17, 2016 / 8:26 pm

    This is such a lovely post. I really hope you enjoy these next few weeks and months without the clock ticking too loudly and spoiling things. I just went to my eldest boy’s induction evening the other night – emotional doesn’t even start to describe it! Then two weeks after he starts our very own little rainbow baby is due. We really do go through the ringer as parents don’t we?! But as you say, I will focus on the fact that they are here, we have them and we love them. #ABrandNewDay

    • June 18, 2016 / 6:53 pm

      Thank you. Congratulations on your little rainbow, these babies are so super special, I’m not sure that it ever gets any easier! xx

  47. June 18, 2016 / 8:19 pm

    Lovely post, so many emotions to go through as parents. Thank you for sharing #sharewithme

    • June 20, 2016 / 5:43 pm

      Thank you for reading. xx

  48. randommusings29
    June 19, 2016 / 3:15 pm

    It’s funny because I think the kids are usually more ready for it than the parents. It’s sad to see your baby all grown up, but I think it’s good too because like you said you get to see the people they are becoming. She looks so cute in her little uniform 🙂
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
    Debbie

    • June 20, 2016 / 5:39 pm

      Absolutely, children never seem to be as phased by things as we do! She did look adorable but I have packed it away for the next few weeks!! xx

  49. June 19, 2016 / 10:45 pm

    She is absolutely gorgeous bless her! Thank you for sharing this because I can remember feeling very similar and wondering if I had something wrong with me but I can see I’m not the only one to have such strong feelings about it. Maybe walk her to school if you can for her 1st day rather than drive this time! Beautiful pics x #KCACOLS

    • June 20, 2016 / 5:37 pm

      Thank you! Yes! I feel that maybe I’m over-reacting or being overly emotional so it has been reassuring to know that I’m not the only one! Thankfully the school is on our doorstep, no chance of any accidents this time!! xx

  50. June 20, 2016 / 8:45 pm

    Awwww lovely! I have no idea how you feel, and I’m putting up my defences and lalalalalalaa’s! I must say, Eva looks adorable in her uniform and I’m sure her teacher will be lovely and look after her. Enjoy every minute until then xx

    Thanks for sharing on #TheBabyFormula, hope you can pop by this week x

    • June 24, 2016 / 5:05 pm

      Haha stay in denial, it’s easier that way!!! Thank you! xx

  51. June 21, 2016 / 7:51 pm

    Oh my gosh, she is so adorable! I can’t stand it! : ) : ). What a lovely post about Eva. It must be really hard with the last baby, I can understand why you would be so emotional about preschool. : ) I just recently returned to work from maternity leave and left my 6 month old at nursery, it was literally the hardest thing I have ever done (besides the birth), so I can imagine with your last child it would be 10,000 times harder! But at the same time, it is such a good experience for her (and for my son who is thoroughly enjoying it, even though he is a bit young), she is learning and socialising and becoming independent (but of course you know all of this! I think I am trying to convince myself as well.). Thank you for this heartfelt post and for sharing with #StayClassyMama!

    • June 24, 2016 / 4:57 pm

      Haha yes I constantly try and convince myself of things also, it’s so hard to let them go! Tomorrow is her graduation at nursery, I’m not at all prepared!!! xx

  52. June 29, 2016 / 4:05 pm

    Lovely post! I can’t imagine how you feel – we’re a year and a bit away from school uniform and I’m already dreading it! Beautiful post though, and she looks so grown up and lovely in her uniform. #KCACOLS

    • June 30, 2016 / 3:43 pm

      Aww thank you. It’s so emotional, god help me come September!!! Xx

  53. June 30, 2016 / 7:48 am

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  54. June 30, 2016 / 10:39 am

    Oh my goodness, her cuteness is melting my heart! You have every right to be proud of that little rainbow, mama, she looks like such a ray of sunshine! I’m still years away from having to consider school, and I’ve never really thought of it that way. But, I know you’ll get through it, and she’ll be eager with anticipation to come home and tell you all about her day <3 #kcacols

    • June 30, 2016 / 3:37 pm

      Thank you! She absolutely is! Time is flying, she leaves pre school in two weeks and then it becomes real!! I say it all the time but seriously, where does the time go? Xx

  55. Emilie
    June 30, 2016 / 5:22 pm

    I can totally relate. My son is only 14 months but it has gone so fast!! #KCACOLS

    • June 30, 2016 / 5:35 pm

      Doesn’t it just? If only it would slow down a little! Thanks for reading! xx

  56. July 1, 2016 / 12:34 pm

    Oh look at her, so cute! It is just so emotional when they start school right? When Bella tried her uniform for the first time I had some tears! It is true how fast they grow but at the same time it is just amazing seeing them growing up in front of your eyes. Beautiful post as always Laura! Thanks for sharing it with us at #KCACOLS, 🙂 x

    • July 3, 2016 / 7:48 pm

      Thank you! I am milking every moment of this summer with her before she starts school in September, Megan is going to miss her so much too. Thanks for hosting as always. xx

  57. thefrenchiemummy
    July 1, 2016 / 2:26 pm

    What a beautiful post to remind yourself of all these moments! You look so fresh and nice on your pic from the maternity ward! I was far from that 😄 so stylish well done!
    #KCACOLS

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