Losing a baby is devastating. I cannot sit here, having lost sixteen much wanted babies, and tell you otherwise. But what I can tell you is that the precious moments I shared with each baby were so wonderful and precious and, although the pain of a loss is always prevalent, it is those happy memories I choose to hold on to. Those are the moments which will always made me smile through my tears.
I was very lucky to have made the most wonderful memories with Joseph, to have shared months of wriggles and kicks and the honour of holding him in my arms for twenty four precious hours. Sadly I did not have that with the babies I lost to miscarriage, although I was fortunate to see several of them on scans, to witness the flicker of their heart beats, to have grainy print outs to hold on to and the undying memory of just how loved and wanted each of them was.
I think it’s important that we celebrate those moments, that we find joy amongst so much sadness, and that when we think of those babies we feel grateful for the short time we spent together. And for that reason I asked a group of parent bloggers to share their precious memories of their own babies who sadly never made it into their arms.
“My baby will always have the place in our lives when I told my husband that he was going to be a daddy for the first time. To see his smile, however short lived it was, will always be special.” ~ Dear Bear & Beany.
“My third baby was the only baby that was planned, possibly the first time I looked at a positive pregnancy test without feeling overwhelmed and nervous. I’ll never forget that moment of sheer happiness and telling my husband. Unfortunately it wasn’t to be and we lost our baby at 11 weeks.” ~ Meme & Harri.
“I had a feeling I was pregnant on our honeymoon with our first baby. When we got back I took a test and it was positive we were so happy and extremely excited. Unfortunately it was the first of 3 miscarriages before we got our rainbow baby.” ~ Rachel Bustin.
“Losing my baby has been a true lesson for me to remember how fast life can be altered – or lost – without any warning, at any time. Life is so easily taken for granted, and my baby has reminded me how important it is to be thankful for the time we do have.” ~ The homemakers journal.
“When we found out I was pregnant it was a big surprise, and we had to get it confirmed with a scan because we had no idea how far gone I was. Turns out I was 9 weeks. I’ll never forget, the evening after that first scan, curled up on the sofa with my husband and two eldest. The children were rubbing my belly and talking to their little sister. My daughter named her Sunshine that night. It was such a lovely night and we were so close and so happy. Sadly we would never have the chance to meet Sunshine. We lost her at 16 weeks.” ~ The Mum Conundrum.
“I was out for the evening with some lovely friends and they all wanted to know why I wasn’t drinking the wine with dinner, oh wow! They knew we’d been trying for number two for a while and how much it meant. It was just a lovely evening. Sadly a week later it all started to go horribly wrong when I started bleeding. But that was a precious happy moment.” ~ Over 40 and Mum to one.
“We didn’t know we were expecting until it was too late but at that moment of finding out, my husband and I were brought even closer through our grief. It was the tightest he ever held me and that moment was so bittersweet.” ~ Thrifty Mum.
“The baby I lost in between my two had a due date that was my Biggest’s birthday. That made smile. Also watching the test turn positive together.” ~ Someone’s Mum.
“My sister and I had our first babies just 3 weeks apart and we’ve loved watching them grow up so close. So it was a wonderful moment when, just after telling her I was pregnant again and her congratulations, she told me she was pregnant too! Our due dates were just 3 weeks apart again – it was such a happy moment for all of us, although I did go on to lose that baby.” ~ Hot pink wellingtons.
“My Angel Baby helped me re-evaluate my life completely. I went from having a breakdown to completely turning my life around and exactly a year later, right down to the date, I found out I was pregnant with my Rainbow Baby who also shared the same due date. It sounds silly written down but I believe it was my little Angel who made that happen. ” ~ Gee Gardner.
“I remember the day we found out we were having another girl – that Izzie was going to have a sister. I was so happy as I never dreamt of having two girls – I went out and bought them matching outfits. Sadly having two girls was not meant to be for us, but we went on to have two boys – and now I get to twin them!” ~ Somewhere over the rainbow.
“That first moment of finding out I was pregnant was utterly amazing – trying for my first two children had been really hard and this one happened out of the blue. When we had our miscarriage we decided to plant a tree in the garden and our other two children chose an apple tree. The moment when that little tree produced its first little apple was so lovely and emotional – as if somehow that little lost life went on.” ~ Wild Mama – Wild Tribe.
“One of the happiest moments was when we ‘finally’ at 13 weeks told our close friends over dinner one Friday evening that we were expecting our first child. It was a fab London restaurant, everyone (except for me!) celebrated with good wine. The joy was short lived as I then suffered a miscarriage but I still remember their delight over us joining them in the parent club.” ~ Absolutely Prabulous.
“A special moment I had was when I saw our little baby on the screen for the first time. The baby was only only very small but I saw the tiny flickering heartbeat. The baby was only here such a short time but I’ll never ever forget that feeling. He was here, he existed and I’ll never forget.” ~ Rice cakes and Raisins.
“I’m so thankful that I got to see my baby’s heartbeat twice before he/she passed. That moment when the sonographer said ‘and there’s your baby’s heartbeat’ was amazing, to hear that didn’t seem real. I have two scan photos to treasure, both of which my little bean was strong and growing. 8 weeks in my tummy, forever in my heart.” ~ The Adventures of an Allergy Mummy.
“For me it was when my toddler put his hands on my belly and said “baby”. I wasn’t showing and I’m not sure he really understood, but it made it so real and I’ll never forget that moment. “ ~ Scandi Mummy.
“I’ll never forget lying on the hospital bed as the sonographer pointed out 3 tiny babies. The shock was quickly replaced by elation – after 5 years of trying we were going to be blessed with triplets. We called my dad to tell him and he said ‘turns out babies are just like buses – you wait ages for one and three come along at once!’. It was a really joyful moment. Unfortunately we lost them at 11 weeks. My friend gave me a beautiful necklace with 3 stars on it and so I carry them with me.” ~ Better Together Home.
“Following a miscarriage we decided to have a private scan when I was pregnant again. Seeing the little one kicking and spinning felt amazing. Six weeks later , at the twenty week scan, we discovered our little one had no working kidneys. I now still have that DVD of the time we saw him when he was well.” ~ Balance Collective.
In memory of all of the babies lost who live on in our hearts.
Loved and missed, always.